Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

If you don't pay, you don't play. Watching Classic Corrie on ITV3 you're struck by how many bits of the real world are installed on the set to add realism.  Rita has a rack of familiar magazines in the newsagent, delivered by a man in a WH Smith van, and the Kabin's sign is sponsored by the Manchester Evening News.  Alf's shop is full of stickers and posters for genuine groceries.  The Rovers has a dispenser for R Whites Lemonade and Pepsi.  They're tiny touches but they add to the feeling that Coronation Street is a real place.  In 2019, however, the freedom to charge for product placement has meant ITV are ridiculously strict about what appears on screen and unless you've sent them a cheque, you won't make it on set.  Hence Tim losing his mind over the joy of a Kenners bar rather than a Mars, while the Kabin's magazine rack is exclusively copies of Chit-chat and moxy! and nobody in the Rovers ever orders a shandy because there's no way of topping up the bitter.  The exception are the two shops by the tram stop whose real world signage strangely makes them even more incongruous.  A handy little earner for the channel, a loss of verisimilitude for the viewer.

Practice feng shui in the home.  I was a bit surprised to see that Ken has a picture from his first marriage to Deirdre on the sideboard - the one he wrecked by diddling Wendy Crozier.  I was even more surprised to see he has a bronze monkey pointing its anus directly at his late wife's face.  That's not nice at all, Ken, and I wouldn't be surprised if she came back as a vengeful poltergeist to smash it round your bonce while you slept.

It might be unlucky for some.  StreetCars turned 19 this week, and after all that time they've finally got some competition in the form of GoLucky taxis.  Which is a shame because the StreetCars gang were on top form this week, from Eileen insisting that a cab was morello - "if you want to call it purple that's your prerogative" - to their revolted reaction to Sally's kale cookies and finally, dinner at number 4 devolving into discussions of chick pea meringue and Tim getting pelted with crisp packets.  After Craig Charles left there was a real danger the laughs in the cab office would vanish, but Tim's more than picked up the slack, and it's good to see him bantering effortlessly with Eileen and Steve.  Hopefully GoLucky's presence is just a bit of healthy rivalry and they won't end up collapsing into bankruptcy because they couldn't scrape together an app.

Legal representation is recommended.  Toyah found THE REPORT under Nicky's bed; he immediately denied putting it there.  Both Battersby sisters were baffled, and Imran would've used it for his own nefarious reasons if he'd know about it, so clearly it was planted by the only other member of the household: Oliver.  All Corrie's children turn a bit malevolent at some point, so Olly's getting a head start on his supervillainy and smashing Wayne's car with his rattle and crawling off with THE REPORT tucked into his nappy.  Nicky got arrested anyway, so they called in Paula as legal representation to ask all those questions the audience were shouting like "where is your evidence?" and "why are you asking about the roof when he's been arrested for breaking into Wayne's car?" and "what on earth are you blithering on about?"  She got Nicky out, apparently by just being the most sensible person in the room, and he was promptly belted by Imran because... I don't even know any more.  I'm so tired.  On the plus side Paula seems to have grown out that awful asymmetric bob.

Never trust a man in a gold chain.  How has it taken me this long to notice that Geoff wears a chunky gold necklace under his open necked denim shirt?  That's a sign of poor taste and judgement right there.  I can't believe the fragrant Yasmeen would allow him to get away with something so blatantly naff.  Mind you, she lets him get away with an awful lot he should be punished for, like his complaints that she had a job and interests of her own, or eulogising about the wonders of buttered toast with Ramadan right round the corner.  And this is even without the fact that his son had a heart attack a few weeks ago and he's not been round to see him once.  He even seemed disgruntled that Yasmeen had invited Tim and Sally round for dinner.  Perhaps he should perform the ultimate magic trick and disappear.

The author is currently on a silent retreat in Shepton Mallet but he can still be contacted via Twitter @merseytart.

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