Sunday, 16 June 2019

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week


They need to put bromide in the water supply.  Is Maria okay?  Should we call someone?   Because she spent most of this week rattling round the Street like an unspayed dachshund panting for any kind of male attention.  She started work at the barber shop, acting as David's manager - a move that makes no sense, because she owns half of Audrey's salon now, so she'd surely be far more interested in keeping an eye on that business.  It turned out she was there mainly for the booty, complaining that while the work was boring "there were some fit blokes".  Next thing you know, she's hanging around on street corners, licking her lips while eyeing up Michael Bailey and having to cross her legs to control herself.  Does she need help?  I can't decide what would be better for her - some intense therapy sessions or an Ann Summers gift card.


Tame those locks.  Adam's new greasy slick haircut is certainly a look.  Not necessarily a good one but a look.  The reason for it became clear in Monday's episode because without the Brylcream he was less dashing hero, more Sideshow Bob.  I haven't seen that many flyaway curls since Annie was last revived.  Hair seemed to be a general concern, actually, with Ali debuting a new style copied off Roy Cropper:


...while Gemma carefully interrogated Gary about the odds on her getting four ginger babies.  Not that she was bothered, you understand, she just wanted to know how to decorate the nursery so it wouldn't clash with a sea of redheads.


Love your animals (no, not like that).  Corrie has a proud history of dealing with contentious issues - male rape, sexual grooming, the very real problem of long lost sons pretending to be marine biologists.  The newest reason for viewers to call the ITV Action Line is a complex storyline covering the intense love between a man and his horse, with Tim falling headlong for Tiny to the extent that he talked about nothing else.  I'm surprised he didn't kick Jenny, Sinead and Yasmeen out of the syndicate just so that he could have his fine foaly friend all to himself.  It gave us yet more facets to the interesting soul that is Tim Metcalfe, as we discovered Geoff got rid of his dog Mr Biscuits because he was annoying (Geoff claimed this was a lie, but as Geoff is awful, I'm quite willing to believe it's true).  By the time Tim was confessing to nocturnal fantasies where he rode Tiny barechested on the beach it was all getting a bit disturbing.  When the always horny Metcalfes introduced horseplay into their love lives, you can't imagine my relief when Sally turned up dressed like this:


...and not like this:


It should also be noted that Sally was still wearing her helmet after they'd finished their shenanigans.  Presumably to avoid headboard related injuries.


Get that work where you can.  I hadn't realised there was an actor's strike in the Greater Manchester area.  That must be why Kerri Quinn returned as Vicky for about the eightieth time this year - they simply can't get any other actresses inShe's turning into a Juicy Couture Zelig, appearing on the fringes of numerous storylines whenever they need someone who doesn't live on the Street.  She was briefly employed at Underworld, she caused misery for the Barlows (Peter, Tracy and Amy), she was on the receiving end of both loan sharkery and passport blackmail, and now it turns out she's Robert's baby mama.  It seems she's been promoted to a proper character now because they've built a (surprisingly well-appointed) set for her front room, but I hope she stays recurring and pops up in ever more unrealistic ways.  On the jury at David and Nick's trial.  As a driver for GoLucky.  Labouring for Ed.  Behind the ticket counter at the tram stop.  Just lying on Maxine's bench in the back of shot for no reason whatsoever.  It could be a kind of Where's Wally for the show,  to distract the viewers when the storylines get especially dull.  Look!  There's Vicky over there, disguised as a tree in the community garden!



Bras!  Bras everywhere!  Michael's date with Michelle was brought to a shuddering end when she found a big box of bras in his "bachelor pad".  Thank goodness for that, because how would you come up with a #Kana style hashtag for two people with such similar names?  Michelle immediately leapt to the conclusion that he was a big old pervert because he had a lot of ladies underwear in his living room.  Don't kinkshame, Michelle.  What Michael gets up to in the seclusion of his own home is entirely his business.  Mind you, that is a lot of bras.  I'm not an expert in the field of lingerie but do ladies really need that many boob harnesses?  A whole box of them?  And they're quite saucy too - none of those are boring old Playtex Cross Your Heart.  Mrs Tembe Aggie looks like a down to earth housewife but she seems to be quite the saucebox on the sly.  You be you, Mama Bailey, though remember the walls in Coronation Street are a lot thinner than the ones in your former luxury detached.  Ken doesn't want to be distracted from another of his tedious documentaries by the sound of you doing a full-throated performance of You Gotta Get A Gimmick for Ed of a Tuesday night.  I know we're meant to be intrigued by why the Baileys have downsized quite so drastically, but looking at their old home, it's obvious.


That horrible kitchen splashback would drive anyone insane.  They've clearly bought the first house they saw just to get away from it.

The author is pleased to announce that Ken Barlow's first photography show will soon be opening at the Rita Tushingham Community Centre.  Titled "That Which Divides Us", it's thirty six black and white close ups of walls from the Weatherfield area with particular emphasis on crumbly mortar.  Tickets cost £15 and can be obtained via @merseytart on Twitter.  No refunds.






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7 comments:

Louby said...

You were missed last week! Welcome back, I hope your absence was a beach in the sun somewhere.

Brilliant review, but so much material to take the p*ss out of. Ali's hair, he reminded me of a little boy starting school.

Sharon boothroyd said...

Great stuff - it made me chuckle!

CK said...

Adam is so handsome but that new perm is awful

David Hughes said...

Brilliant as always!

maggie muggins said...

Just have to say thanks, Scott! Soo funny as always, and much of it stuff I thought maybe no one noticed. Like the hair thing. You'd think with a new barber shop available, the men would be better groomed!
It's all funny, well observed and written. :)

Mrs Lynch said...

Can't wait for MissHell to leave!

MartesBC said...

Too funny, love the observation of Vicky! I can see her and Robert accidently meeting in some gin joint, where she would order some snake bite, and they would strike up a conversation about Tyler...and then go home to accidentally? make another one.

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