Every day is another day closer to the grave. This week Maria came to a sad realisation: she just isn't cool any more. We all reach this point, somewhere in our thirties usually, when it clicks that we don't know any of the songs in the chart and the idea of standing a taxi queue at 3am makes us want to hide under a duvet. Maria is 36 and her taste in music is officially Now That's What I Call Tragic. She seems to want to resist this slide towards senility, when actually the best thing to do is embrace it. If you try to stay young, you end up wearing rubber skirts and too much make up and everyone feels uncomfortable. Break out the comfy sweaters and the box sets and enjoy it. Also, there are worse role models for aging than Gail and Audrey, both of whom still have extremely active and fulfilling personal lives, so she really has no room to sneer. Personally I'd love to spend an evening blitzing my toes in a foot spa. chatting about Meryl Streep films and knocking back the chardonnay. That's an ideal Friday night as far as I'm concerned.
Of course some people are effortlessly cool no matter how old they are: Yasmeen got on like a house on fire with DJ JD and Jamie D because she is eternally ace.
Adam is terrible in bed. After a session of afternoon delight, Sarah-Lou headed for the kitchen to replenish her fluids, and Adam came in for a hug. He touched her arm and made her gasp, surprising him that she was still in pain. And then I realised that Adam is no good in bed. Either he was so lazy during their lovemaking that he barely touched Sarah-Lou, or he was so wrapped up in himself he didn't notice her yelping in agony throughout. I suppose if you're that good looking you don't need to bother. Pay attention to your partner, Ads, and you'll get a much more satisfying experience all round.
The Bistro will be going bust soon. Remember a couple of months ago when Michelle boasted of her "business nous" when it came to the restaurant? In Monday's episode she hosted a wine tasting that descended into chaos and I'm pretty sure made absolutely no money at all. There were only five paying clients, for starters, and two of those only got swept up when Michelle happened to wander into the cafe when Cathy and Yasmeen were in there. According to Sean, they only paid twenty quid each, and by the looks of it they weren't "tasting" the booze but were actually inhaling it by the pint. By the time Brian was belting out Danny Boy I reckon that evening was about two hundred quid in the hole, plus the goodwill lost for the rest of the Bistro's clientele who had to put up with drunken rowdiness while they tried to eat their mushroom risotto. It would've been easier for Michelle to simply tip a dozen bottles of wine down the sink.
Memories are short. Brian pooh-poohed Craig's self-defence classes on the grounds that Weatherfield was perfectly safe and Yasmeen's mugging was a one-off. If I lived in an area that had as many muggings, murders, rapes and assaults Coronation Street does - I mean, Gary's been beaten up about fourteen times just this month - I'd spend half my life learning krav maga and the other half hiding behind my front door with a baseball bat and the police on speed dial.
Any lie will do. Off the coast of India there is an island occupied by a tribe of people who are utterly untouched by civilisation. Protected and shielded from society, they have no concept of technology, and have crafted their own beliefs and ways that are utterly alien to us in the West. And even they would've come up with a better cover story than Robert's "I was going to the travel agent to book a honeymoon for an unspecified date." Michelle spent all week telling him he was a terrible liar, while also falling for every piece of garbage that fell out of his shivering duplicitous mouth, while Vicky swallowed it all as well. That's particularly hard to believe, as not only has Vicky been round the block more times than a cabby trying to bump up the fare, she's also not the kind of woman who'd take kindly to another muscling in on her territory. The minute Robert told her Michelle was being extra demanding of his time Vicky would be straight round to the Viaduct to rip out her extensions and tell her to back off her baby daddy. She certainly wouldn't mope around her actually quite nice house waiting for him to drop in. I suspect we've got another few weeks of this runaround with Ryan and Ali almost but not quite catching Robert's lies over and over; the only thing keeping me going through it is the knowledge that at the end Michelle and Robert will be leaving the show, so at least it'll end happily.
Of course, the two biggest storylines of the week were Gary becoming a loan shark and Geoff gaslighting Yasmeen. However Gary's slide into supervillainy is so preposterous and Geoff is so awful I really don't want to think about them too much. Send your complaints via Twitter @merseytart.
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