Saturday, 5 January 2019

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week


Romance is giving your lover frostbite.  A picnic is a lovely idea if you want to delight the object of your affections... in summer.  In January, it's just two people turning blue on a bench.  Chesney tried to warm things up by serving cheesy chips and onion rings, because nothing says romance like a big wodge of heavy carbs and onion breath.  If you still fancy a snog after all that you're destined for one another.


The show needs a new prop buyer.  Roy's Rolls is a backstreet caff.  It does bacon sandwiches and dry-looking eclairs and things with beans.  The propmaster, however, seems to be under the impression that it's one of the trendier coffee shops in the Northern Quarter, and has customised the menu accordingly.  Beneath the "eggy bread" and "beans on toast" we've got Tomato, basil and parmesan scrambled egg served on malted grain and crispy bacon and spring onion scrambled egg.  Can you imagine Beth ordering any of those?  She'd send them back thinking the green bits were the result of Shona sneezing in the pan.  But the biggest, most horrific item on that menu is in big red letters at the top.  ROYS ROLLS.  ROYSOur beloved Cropper would close up the cafe forever rather than distribute menus with a missing apostrophe.  And rightly so.


Someone needs to give Mary a hug. What a week it's been for Ms Taylor.  She spent a fortune trying to trace Jude and she found him in Blackpool.  It's always Blackpool, isn't it?  Corrie is there more than Strictly.  There are other north west seaside towns, producers; Southport's lovely, and Morecambe has a certain charm.  Anyway, Jude was up to his old tricks, stealing Ken Barlow's name and Jim McDonald's accent and fleecing cash out of passers by.  He's descended from "a bit of a liar" to "evil scumbag con artist" awfully quickly. Soon he was getting hundreds of pounds off his mum.  Patti Clare's face as she walked away from the B&B, knowing that she'd probably never see her son again but still retaining a tiny hope that he'd come to her was absolutely heartbreaking and they should give her a Bafta.  Mind you, I'm sure Jude will be back, a new Terry Duckworth to periodically turn up and rob his mother of her savings.  Even when she returned to Weatherfield, the bad news kept coming, as apparently South Africa has a chronic shortage of accountants and needs to import them from England.  Victoria Ekanoye was a very talented and funny actress who was never given a decent plotline, but it's hard to say Angie will be a loss to the Street.  The only sadness is this means Mary is alone again.  Bring Norris back to perk her up, quick!


Cleanliness is next to godliness.  Fresh from turning the snooker hall into a CGI terror fest that wouldn't have looked out of place at EuroDisney, Peter and Carla sat back to celebrate the New Year with some red hot sexual tension.  It all got too much for Ms Connor and she needed a drink.  The only thing available was tap water, served in a Charles and Di mug.  And how long has that been there?  The snooker hall looks like it hasn't been used for the best part of a decade - that cup will be filled with black mould and spider webs.  She probably saw in 2019 on the toilet with a nasty case of botulism.


Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.  I know she's part owner of Audrey's now and therefore a serious businesswoman but that doesn't mean Maria has to start dressing like Karren Brady.  Those are some deeply unflattering slacks, and I'm surprised Samia Longchambon agreed to wear them.  She should take fashion advice from Yasmeen, who poked her head round the gardens while wearing THIS HAT:


Incredible.

You'll notice that there's no mention of Rana and Kate reuniting; this is because the author dozed off during their many interminable scenes and had no desire to rewatch them being all cutesy to one another while ignoring the whacking great insurmountable crack in their relationship.  Send your complaints to @merseytart on Twitter.






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5 comments:

Chez said...

Thank goodness it's a hat! I thought it was Yasmeen's hair style at first.watching from Canada, so have not seen this yet.

popcorn said...

Re: Roys Rolls (sic) - - - If you have been reading the updates provided by ITV, you will know that knowledge of grammar is not a prerequisite for employment by Corrie. Very sad.

Sharon Boothroyd said...

Great! Made me chuckle!

maggie muggins said...

Had some good chuckles as I always do with Five Things, Scott! You have eagle eyes to have caught the Roy's Rolls menu! I clicked on the photo and it really does look like we have a case of creeping hipster-ism. I knew Peter's new short on the sides and Peaky Blinders on the top look was a portent of things to come. He does actually carry it well, but what if some stylist decides to experiment with long wispy beards for Tyrone and Chesney?

njblas said...

Rana and Kate's reunion was ridiculous. None of their issues were even remotely resolved, and we had a ridiculous scene where Rana attributed all of Kate's faults to herself! Kate, being a completely self-centred Connor Woman, of course did nothing to correct her. By the way, the actress who plays Rana is excellent, and it's time for her to be given something else to do aside from blubbing. The actress who plays Kate, however...well, let's just say, they're leagues apart:)

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