Saturday, 26 January 2019

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week


Keep a running joke running.  When Tyrone went skulking after Maureen Lipman, who should find him in the bushes but PC Tyms, played by Steve Cooper.  That's the same PC Tyms who found Roy and Evelyn dogging in the Woody a few weeks ago, and he naturally leapt to the same conclusion that Tyrone was a big old pervert up to no good.  I hope this continues as a theme, and every six weeks or so he turns up and misinterprets someone's perfectly normal behaviour as sexual deviancy.  Toyah bending over to adjust her tights by the side of the road and getting mistaken for a hooker.  Billy's belt breaking and his trousers falling down while in front of a congregation of infants and pensioners.  Sean accidentally supergluing a blow-up sheep to the crotch of his jeans.  Bring the world of Ray Cooney to the Street.


There's a difference between a spade and a shovel.  Steve took advantage of Geoff's gardening - January being the ideal time to dig over your front yard, of course - to threaten Aadi with a tool in the shop.  Everyone seemed to be way too concerned about who the father of Amy's baby was, rather than concentrating on the fact that, you know, a fourteen year old girl was scared and vulnerable and probably wanted her parents to be supportive rather than bashing round Weatherfield like heat seeking missiles pushing teenage boys up against the wall and demanding to know their sexual history.  It meant that the poor girl ended up moping round alone, constantly appearing in dramatic profile like she was the Anni-Frid in an Abba tribute act.


Aadi was rejected as a potential father, mainly on the grounds that he's only been in about four episodes since 2016, so the finger of suspicion swung to Simon.  Considering Amy and Simon have been brought up together and are more like brother and sister, this was a very disturbing twist, and thankfully Simon repeatedly shouting "I'M A VIRGIN" convinced his mum and dad he wasn't the culprit.  (Incidentally, under English law cousins can marry - just ask the Royal Family - and as Tracy is only Peter's adopted sister, there's no genetic closeness to harm the baby.  Though it's still gross and weird).  The culprit was eventually revealed to be Tyler, head of that band of well-spoken thugs we all hoped we'd seen the back of, and who'd never even shared a shot with Amy up until now.  Apparently they met at a party and almost immediately got down to it under the pile of coats; this still seems completely out of character for Amy.


In the meantime Craig and Faye decided to have a supportive chat with the confused teen and in the process persuaded her that keeping the baby was a better idea than aborting it.  I'm not sure what part of Faye's experience changed her mind, given that she basically said "childbirth is awful, but not as awful as you think it might be, and then I handed the baby and all responsibility over to someone else."  Unless Amy's hoping to send her child off to Canada too.  It's a country, not an orphan donation scheme.  (In case you were wondering, a shovel is for scooping, and a spade is for digging.  You're welcome).


Television is a visual medium.  On paper, Abi applying for a job in a call centre was a perfectly ordinary scene.  (Why isn't Sally using her influence to get Kevin to give her a job at the garage?  Just this week he was saying they were snowed under, and considering she saved the mother of his children from despair, you'd think he'd want to show his gratitude.)  In the hands of director Matt Hilton, the scene was transformed into a Hitchcockian interrogation scene.  Off-centre framing to disorient us and create tension...


...angles from above to show Abi's panic as she tried in vain to think of any city in Botswana (Gaborone, Abi!  Have you not read The No 1 Ladies Detective Agency?!?)...


...angles from below to convey her hope and desperation as she confessed to her criminal past...


...and this completely insane shot, which is like something out of Dr Strangelove; the interview seemed to be taking place in Wernham-Hogg as designed by Ken Adam.


Coronation Street is such a machine these days it's difficult for directors to be anything other than workaday - there simply isn't enough time to create a specific look when you have to churn out three hours of drama a week.  Every once in a while, though, you can sneak something distinctive through, and it's always welcome.


Choose your punishments wisely.  This week, Sarah-Lou tried to make Gary suffer by not talking to him.  Frankly I'd have welcomed the break.  I'm not sure what's happened to Our Sarah - she's turned into a right old nag.  Admittedly, nobody wants to sleep on a leaky lilo - though there was a perfectly good sofa in that same room that one of them could have kipped on, and let's be honest, Tina O'Brien is so tiny they probably could've tucked her up in a bottom drawer on some towels - but that's still no reason for her to go round sulkily stamping her foot and making demands of every family member.  She finished the week by getting roaringly drunk, giving the come on to Adam then acting like a Mother Superior when he tried to kiss her, and forcing Seb to lie about how he got a smashed nose.  She's not winning any awards for charm, put it that way.  And when she wasn't almost-cuckolding Gary, she was sniggering with Izzy and Nicola about the size of his, ahem, equipment.  I still think you're a Big Ginger Stud (© Nicola Rubenstein), Gary, and I totally believe that Sarah-Lou was just being needlessly cruel.  Perhaps you could send me a tasteful nude to prove just how wrong she was.


Avengers 4 looks incredible.  Claudia and Audrey discussed their future business plans in the Rovers, and somehow, nobody mentioned the fact that both women were wearing CAPES.  Amazing.  I assume this means they're superheroes and that they spend their downtime between shampoo and sets flying round Weatherfield fighting crime.  Those enormous hairdos are Utility Wigs, concealing their many super gadgets, and the real reason for the collapsing floors in Grasmere Drive is Audrey has built a Batcave-style headquarters underneath.  (This would make Maria their equivalent of Robin, which seems about right).  Someone get me some crayons; I'm pitching The Thrilling Adventures of Claud and Aud to Marvel sharpish.

Do you, like Evelyn, regularly dig through your dog's faeces in search of chips?  If so, please contact the author on Twitter @merseytart, and he can send round the men with the butterfly nets.






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4 comments:

Sharon Boothroyd said...

Great post Scott - you always make me chuckle, chuck!

popcorn said...

Thanks for your weekly dose of sanity and hunour!

Laura said...

Always love reading these, another great post. Utility wigs, haha...

David Hughes said...

Brilliant as always. Next week, can you tackle the mystery of Peter’s boat and how it magically appears and disappears from the cobbles at will. Also how Peter Barlow, who is incapable of doing anything, has managed to get all the gunk off it, and seemingly move it in and off the cobbles without help, as well as painting it a delightful shade of blue without spilling one drop on his overalls. We should be told.

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