Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Amy is a big fan of Liam Payne.  I so love your eyes, my beautiful Liam/When you go back on tour I can't wait to see 'em. Such beautiful words from the young Ms Barlow, eulogising the fourth-best member of One Direction (for the record: Zayn, Harry, Niall, Liam, the fifth one).  I wonder if she's still into him now the band have split up, or if she's moved onto some other popular beat combo I am too old to know about?

Moira is back!  Back!  BACK!!!  In a week featuring druggy vicars shooting up in churches and teenage lapdancers with PTSD bottling random men, a moment of levity was desperately needed.  Thank goodness then for Moira, storming back into the Rovers for a celebratory glass of prosecco after overcoming a tribunal we knew nothing about.  She immediately started banging on about her menopause, accused Eileen of being an alcoholic and sexually harassed Josh.  What a woman.

Eileen fled to the (suprisingly spacious and well-appointed) Rovers loo, where in another shocking moment, we actually saw her mid-pee.  You didn't get this sort of thing with Martha Longhurst.  Moira was soon down there too, calling Liz a "true friend" and referring to her ill-fated romance with Vic Reeves as "Colingate".  Frankly, I can't get enough of both her and Louiza Patikas's performance, and I hope she clatters round the Street passive aggressively insulting the residents for months to come.

Weatherfield's queer women are really, really keen.  The comic Lea DeLaria used to have a joke:  "What does a lesbian bring on the second date?  A U-Haul."  It's a cliche that gay ladies rush into commitment far quicker than their heterosexual counterparts, but it's one that the girls of Corrie embrace wholeheartedly.  Kate and Rana had, at most, three snogs before they were declaring their undying love for one another.  Now Sophie, who has been dating Kate for about a fortnight, leaps at the opportunity to move in with her.  Admittedly they'd have had separate rooms, but that's still a lot closer than you'd expect from a couple who probably haven't even updated their Facebook relationship status yet.  There's no need to jump into anything Sophie, not least because Kate is incredibly dull and you can do better.  I'd suggest sorting out your shaggy fringe should be a much higher priority on your "to do" list than shacking up with a tedious lesbian.

Legumes are big in the Grimshaw house.  Peas and beans, Eileen?  No wonder Summer was unenthusiastically picking at her tea.

A mother's love is a wonderful thing.  In a week of such unremitting misery, let's finish by focusing on the happy family relationships that closed off Friday's episodes.  Sally was upbeat and supportive to a disheartened Sophie, telling her that the world was her oyster and boosting her confidence about her relationship with Kate.  (Of course, at that exact moment, Kate was snogging the face off Rana, but let's not dwell on that).

Then Beth was tearfully helping Craig take his first step into adulthood, helping him move into his new flat.  Being Beth, she also embarrassed him about a thousand times in the process - I'll just say Janet the Giraffe and leave it at that - but that's what mothers do.  Sometimes they make you cringe, sometimes they make you angry, but most of the time they're quite, quite lovely.

Please send pictures of kittens and puppies and Paul Rudd smiling to the author on Twitter @merseytart.  After this week's episodes, he seriously needs them.

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