Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Friday 19 April 2013

Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

Well if Anna hasn’t been hitting Faye, I don’t mind flamin’ doing it for her! What a madam! In my day we gave kids a clip round’t earhole for just looking like they were doing summat wrong! It din’t even matter if they actually had done summat wrong, you just gave ‘em a thick ear and off they went. Nowadays it’s all that sitting on’t naughty step and “grounding”. Flamin’ grounding! Who in their right mind invented summat that meant their kids HAD to stay indoors? That’s a punishment for the flamin’ parents that is! I’d do the opposite of grounding ‘em, I’d say, “Right outside and yer not coming back in till tomorrow morning!” That’d teach ‘em!

As if Anna hits Faye! If she'd have given anyone a belt when they were a nipper it'd have been her Gary! He was a right piece of work he was!
Oh just give 'em a smack! They'll be alright!
Mind you, while we’re on’t subject of Anna, what has happened to her? Before the Windass family moved onto the street they were feared from the heights of Balaclava Terrace to depths of Rosamund Street! I’ll always remember that Joe McIntyre telling me how Anna and Eddie wouldn’t pay him for work he’d done; how it’d bankrupted him; how they were rough as a camel’s nethers and how Anna was like a velour clad banshee that’d give you a gobful if you so much as looked at her in’t wrong way!
Now look: Gary is a pussycat (not cos he’s ginger, I mean cos he’s gentle… mind you, cats aren’t that gentle are they loveys? Come to think of it, why do they say folk are like pussycats when cats kill things and poo all over the place?), Len’s gone, Eddie’s gone and Anna is all nice and understanding! And what about Joe McIntyre? Well, his breakdown and drug addiction problems, caused by the Windasses, have all been forgotten by Tina and everyone else! Weatherfield is a strange place to live, loveys!
Ooh Eileen’s milking this breakup in’t she?
“Ooooooh Julie, I’m so gutted! He’s moved out!”
Yes he has Eileen, cos YOU FINISHED IT! You fell in love with a fireman and then tried to get him to stop being a fireman! You don't see Paul trying to make Eileen stop moaning do you? No, cos Paul knows that's part of Eileen; her reason for living; her skill; her life's work!
What a drama queen that woman is, blubbing all over the shop!
Anyway, Eileen’s got mice, Paul told me… I’ve seen ‘em knocking about an’ all, they speak in  funny accents, walk on two legs and dress in clothes! I’ve seen ‘em crossing the street and even sat in me chair at the cab office!

What was I on about now..? Oh aye, funny accents…

Stella and Karl. Why doesn’t Dev just go over to that Stella and say, “Do you know how you went on at me for trying to give it another go with Sunita and then it made me change me mind and then Sunita went a bit bananas in’t bistro and then she ended up dying cos of a fire at The Rovers..? Do you remember that? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?!" Flamin’ Stella, reeking of beige like a bland bowl of butterscotch Angel Delight made with manky milk and Karl, craftier than a conniving kid who’s top of the class at cad college!
Will Stella get her just desserts..? Sorry loveys...
And Amber forgot to go to Sunita's funeral! I know they din't see eye to eye but still.

I’ll tell you who else is getting on me nerves an’ all, Chesney!
When did our Chesney become such a miserable moaning old fella?
“She cheated on me! Well you might be able to forgive…” he said to Fiz. Mind you, he is talking to the woman that forgave John Stape for having an affair with Rosie Webster and then abducting Rosie Webster and embezzling money and murdering folk… I don’t think Fiz is the right person to be doling out relationship advice! You might as well ask Gail!
Mind you, let’s be honest loveys… come on now… let’s all just admit summat… Let’s just, you know, put it out there and move on… Let’s get some closure and join hands and admit summat to us-selves and to others… Chesney is punching above his weight in’t he? Now come on! Don’t feel bad loveys, it’s ok to say it… no one’s looking. You can just admit it to me if you like, I won’t tell no one! He is though in’t he? Now don’t be like that! I’m not being tight, I’m just the only one who’ll admit it!
Ches and Katy in happier times...
Right! Who else is getting on me wick at the moment?

Leanne! What is her problem? She swans about like Lady Muck and she’s nowt to write home about! What has she actually done that makes her think she’s above everyone else? Is it the prostitution? The drugs? The affairs? The arson? The scams? The theft? She’s always on about other folk, giving it all, “A leper never changes his spots!” or summat like that, “A leper never scratches his spots…!” You know what I’m saying loveys! She’s all for slagging off everyone else for wanting to better ‘emsleves but she wants everyone to forget what a horror she was! There’s that word again: forget.
A leper never changes his spots.
I've said it once and I’ll say it again, Weatherfield is a strange place to live but I wouldn’t swap it for’t world!
Follow me on Tweeter if you like! Here's the linky to me Tweeter page... HERE... no, here... no here... I'm only joking, it's here!
You can follow us on Twitter @CoroStreetBlog and Facebook: CoronationStreetBlog

Creative Commons Licence
All original work on the Coronation Street Blog is covered by a Creative Commons License


Chatty Kathy said...

Oh, Bren, I've been checking and checking to see when the latest Cream Horn will be posted, and here it is! And just as beltin' as ever!

I've been saying too that Ches is punching above his weight, but people say I'm shallow for saying that. But Bren, you an me are women of the world, so we just know these things, right? I love that piccy of him 'n Katy in happier times. But admit it - isn't it touched up a bit to make Ches a bit taller and handsomer?

Now, on to Leanne. She may think she's Lady Muck an all, but she does smell a rat where Karl's concerned. So if she will be what finds him out, then I'll forgive her snooty ways.

Thanks as ever, Bren. You're brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Totally agree about Ches ... the whole blog..hilarious as usual!!!

Defrost Indoors said...

Where you been, lady? Agreed, it's odd how the Windasses went from fearsome to fuzzy in such a short time.


You might also like...

Coronation Street Books for Fans