Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

They'll be there for you.  After Ross and Rachel got married in Friends, Phoebe said it didn't matter because "if you get married in Vegas you're only married in Vegas."  It was explained to her that, no, that's not how it works, to which she replied "Oh my God!"  It seems someone on the writing staff has been binging on the classic sitcom on Netflix and decided to turn this one-line gag into an entire plotline on Corrie.  Presumably next week Eileen will make a trifle with beef in it and Dev will start trying to impress people with his unagi.

I really wasn't looking forward to this story, because Tim and Sally are one of my favourite parts of the show and I hate when they have problems (remember last Christmas when Gina was smarming around him and he thought he'd cheated on Sally?  That was awful, wasn't it?).  Fortunately, it's being played entirely for laughs, with Steve, Abi and Kevin acting as a Greek chorus to tell Tim what an idiot he's being.  I can't see this scheme to secretly remarry Sally working out, and Charlie the air hostess was staring at that StreetCars business card in a distinctly concerning fashion, but it was still the most enjoyable part of the show all week.

You get what you pay for.  Michael was horrified to learn that his ten pound a person ticket for a Winter Wonderland was grossly overpriced.  What did you expect, Mike: Alton Towers?  It's a hastily-thrown together grotto hosted by Jack Boswell and starring a load of spliff-toting drunks.  It's not going to be tiny Lapland.  Michael reckoned his business skills would make it a winner but unless he's an actual magical Christmas elf I don't think it's going to get much better - it's still wedged in a back alley between a brewery and Sally's hot tub.  No amount of fake snow can cover that up.

The worst part of all this was Big Garth and Cathy still haven't shared a scene.  Ok, she was only the second-best Aveline, but for those of us who endured fourteen thousand episodes of dreadful Carla Lane Scouse cliche-fest Bread in the 80s it'd be a nice little nostalgia trip.  Even better, get Jean Boht in as a mate of Evelyn's to yell "SHE.  IS.  A.  TART!" at Sarah-Louise.

So near and yet so far.  Right finger, Yasmeen, but you need to turn your hand round.  Once again, it is the author's policy not to talk about this whole storyline because it's so upsetting; suffice to say, Geoff may be the most unpleasant person to walk the cobbles since Alan Bradley tried to flatten Rita's hairdo with a scatter cushion.  Let's hope he also has a wayward tram in his future.

Maria is not gifted.  To the outside observer, it's strange to think that Maria and Kirk are siblings.  She's glamorous hair and six-inch heels, he's dog blankets and woolly hats.  They seem to have nothing in common.  As this week made clear though, what they share is absolute blinding naivety.  Gary has so far given Maria a Range Rover, a thousand pound handbag, and a flat in Victoria Court, and she actually believed him when he said he'd paid for it by selling second-hand side tables out of a garage.  Mind you, this is the woman who also fell in love with her husband's murderer, so she has form for being astonishingly thick.

Maria claimed this spelling was a joke but I can fully believe she'd forgotten what the letter C does.  That poor baby - neither one of its parents are candidates for Only Connect.  It'll probably be about nineteen before it starts crawling.

Obey the Green Cross Code.  A few months ago, Craig leapt in the path of a moving car to save Bethany.  This week, Daniel stepped into the path of a moving car to get away from Bethany.  That girl's a curse and should probably be kept clear of highways for the safety of passers-by.  Fortunately, despite shattering Cathy's windscreen, Daniel walked away without a scratch on him, meaning he could have a heart-to-heart with Bethany in the gardens.

Which is lovely for him, of course, but meant that poor Faye was literally the only person working in the Bistro all afternoon; they didn't even have a chef.  By the time Bethany strolled back in Faye was probably crouched behind the bar, crying, while furious patrons ran amok and looted the wine cellar.

It was lovely to see Norris back, and even lovelier to hear him say that Michelle "always thought the world revolved around her".  The continuing digs at her self-importance make me wonder if the writers hate her as much as the rest of us.  DM me on Twitter @merseytart if this is the case, guys; I promise I won't tell anyone.

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