Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Maria's at it again.  It must be difficult being Maria Connor.  There you are, happily wandering round the Street, cutting the hair of pensioners and occasionally noticing you have a child, then blam!  A semi-attractive man wanders by and suddenly you're possessed by your hormones and all sensible thoughts (both of them) are purged from your brain.  The latest target for her affections is Josh, who was only in the show for about fourteen minutes before Maria was batting her eyelashes and erotically fiddling with the stem of her glass.  Meanwhile, behind her, Liz looked at the floor, sighed and fetched the mop and bucket.

Sophie doesn't know how to play hard to get.  The poor girl spent this week's episodes hovering around Kate, "accidentally" turning up in places she would go and hoping against hope that she would be noticed.  This was upsetting on two levels.  Firstly, Kate is quite possibly the most boring character in the show; Ken Barlow is more erotically charged.  A couple of hours of listening to Ms Connor's simpering and most women would turn straight just to get away from her.  Secondly, Manchester is full of lesbians.  There's, like, a whole Gay Village, plus all sorts of apps and websites.  Go there, Soph.  You don't have to just hang around hoping the one queer woman within five hundred yards glances in your direction.  (Also it looks like Rana might be on the market soon, so you might want to keep your powder dry for a better prospect).

Parents aren't that important.  It was Luke's funeral, a solemn event organised by his mum and dad to say their last goodbyes.  Not that you'd know it from the programme, as Mr and Mrs Britton were barely featured; this is literally the only shot of the two of them in the entire show.  Tyrone got more close-ups.  They were also entirely silent, not even crying loudly, because that would mean they were a featured cast member and not an extra and ITV would have to pay them more money.  Meanwhile Kate - Kate! - did a reading that was mainly an excuse for her to cast shade towards Rana and Alya continued to blub hysterically for her boyfriend of, what, three months?  I've had a longer relationship with the mayonnaise in my fridge.  Afterwards, Steph told us that her mum and dad had "gone home early from the wake", presumably back to the pages of Spotlight in search of more supporting artist work.

Carla has no respect for literature.  SHE'S CRACKING THE SPINE.  Forget Phelan, forget Tony Gordon, forget even  Alan Bradley; Carla is the greatest monster in the history of the show.  Bending the book like that damages it, and can lead to the failure of the binding.  Plus it looks horrible.  I'm surprised literature-lover Daniel let her get away with it, but I suppose he was too busy thinking about the contents of his trousers at that point to pay attention to The Golden Bough.

Peter is not big on self-awareness.  The Rovers' landlord was distinctly snippy about Daniel and Carla's tryst, which is understandable.  I mean, having sex with an ex's sibling just isn't on.

And it's in very poor taste to have any kind of relationship with someone twenty years younger than you.

You carry on chucking stones from that glass house Peter.  There might still be a couple of panes left.

@merseytart is disappointed to learn that teenage parties no longer mean games of Spin The Bottle and getting hammered on a thimbleful of Taboo before vomiting down your new shirt.  Amy's schoolmates need to put down their phones and live a little.





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