Fat Brenda's Christmas Cream Horn

On the Twelfth day of Christmas,

My true love gave to me:

Ken’s kimono flapping

Nick and Peter scrapping

Kirsty: psychotic

Norris lovin’ gossip

A Webster love triangle

A Fiz and Ty fandangle

Leanne through the mangle

Five TENAs with wings!

Kirk’s floating birds

Drama at Ken’s

Deirdre’s ethnic belts

And cheap knickers from Carla’s fak’try.

Oh loveys, Christmas comes but once a year… Thank Cliff for that! What a palaver!

“Eeh by gum, Ahm ‘avin’ the tarm of mah life wi’ Jason!”

Oh Stella, lovey, just stop now! He’s barely out of nappies! It’s like one of them Jeremy Kyle’s but everyone’s got their own teeth!

“Oh but Brenda, she’s a cougar is Stella! Good luck to ‘em!”

Cougar? Flamin’ alley cat more like! Honest to Cliff! I mean, I’m not jealous or owt… honest I’m not… Him parading in his skimpy undercrakers… with that perma-tan… in’t buff… muscles everywhere… not a wisp of hair on his smooth rippled chest… sweating… builders dust in every fold… OH OK THEN, SO I AM JEALOUS! THAT WITCH! SHE’S NOT BEEN HERE FIVE MINUTES AND SHE’S EVERYWHERE! SHE GETS WHERE WATER WOULDN’T! GETS ON ME WICK!

We could all get a younger fella if we wanted but some of us don’t like to put all our goods in’t front window like she does! 

I don’t know about you but I miss Marcus being a gay. I do loveys, I miss it. I used to tell him all about me downstairs problems safe in the knowledge he wan’t thinking owt inappropriate but now I can’t even mention me stress incontinence or owt cos I’d be worried his thoughts might be lingering on me nethers! What happened to the days when a gay fella were just that; gay? What was wrong with that? Broken Britain, loveys! The amount of times I made a pass at Marcus and it was all, “Oh no Brenda, I’m gay. I’ve got a boyfriend and anyway yer always telling me about yer lady problems!” And then SHE comes along with her hair and her teeth giving it all, “Awww our Liam really gets on with him,” and he’s going out with her! Mind you, no one’s as upset as Sean but then that goes for everything that ever happens dun’t it? All he does is get upset and parade around chucking his toys all over’t place!  

They say it’ll be lonely this Christmas and they’re not wrong. I’ll be at that switchboard again come Christmas day weeping into me Mellow Birds with no invite to Nick and Leanne’s wedding, no turkey, no nowt!

Nick and Leanne. Now there’s a couple with a colourful past! Her with her high and mighty “I’ve never been a prossie, druggie, lottery-stealing, insurance swindling, marriage wrecking flamin’ nightmare” attitude! And him with his face changing antics - leaving with a pudding bowl haircut, returning looking like he was created in a laboratory from the DNA of every boy-band member in history and then disappearing before coming back with a substantial set of ears and a cleft chin! Honestly! Where will it end?!

I’ve noticed Sophie putting a bit of lippy on whenever that Jenna lass is about. She thinks I’ve not noticed but I have. She keeps sounding her out giving it all, “Oh Jenna, do you like Calamity Jane, Bad Girls and that butch lass from’t Scissor Sisters?”

Her gaydar hasn’t developed yet, bless her. Mind you, Kevin puts a bit of lippy on when he’s with Jenna an’ all – either that or he’s wearing Chap-Stick or summat to make his lips all kissable. He could put on all the Chap-Stick in’t world and he still wouldn’t entice me – not until he grows his ‘tache back. Anyhow, I think Kevin’s taken a shine to our Lloyd’s daughter cos he’s been wearing his Hai Karate scent and the last time he put a splash of that on he was fandangling with Molly before she was crushed beneath Dev’s tinned goods in front of that Eileen’s fella who was still with his wife, Leslie, before she died making some cheese on toast at that Eileen’s who was meant to be looking after her at the time but who ran out after Leslie hit her which was fair enough cos, of course, she was sleeping with her husband, Paul, while they were living at her house. Do you remember, loveys? That was when Marucus and Sean lived there before Marcus went and lived with Maria when she was with Jason who’s now with Stella who was with Karl before he went out with our Sunita who was with Dev who once slept with our Deirdre who’s married to Ken who is like Kevin Bacon except he dun’t dance to express his emotions in Footloose but he is the centre of the universe as far as I’m concerned. They say all roads lead to Rome but let me tell you, all roads lead to the Barlow’s. So Kevin is wearing Hai Karate and Sophie is wearing lippy and Sally is wearing her usual Yardley Lace.

I saw Tyrone taking his top off in Roy’s Rolls t’other night and then in Fiz’s living room! Poor lad, he was full of bruises. That Kirsty has been beating seven bells out of him again. I don’t know about you but it’s the equivalent of beating up a puppy or summat. He’s so flamin’ lovely and cuddly and the thought of that happening makes me ill. Where’s Jackie when you need her? She’d flamin’ batter her!

Fiz, she’s hopeless though in’t she..? Flamin’ hopeless… literally loveys, where is Hope?! She’s never there!

Here are me tips for surviving a Christmas in Weatherfield:

Don’t get wed.

Don’t start a relationship with someone you shouldn’t.

Don’t use electricity, candles or owt that can spontaneously combust.

Don’t have loads of folk round for dinner.

Don’t hide owt from yer partner – even presents.

Move away.

Stay away.

Come back in’t new year.

Buy me a pack of Dunhill.

Flamin’ hell, even Santa stays away!

The last one wan’t really a tip but I needed ten cos it’s an even number and I’m one of them OCDC anal lasses who wash their hands after every visit to the toilet.

Anyhow, talking of toilets, I’m going for a yuletide chocolate log – it’s stashed behind the toilet door in’t cab office so Eileen dun’t steal it!Happy Christmas loveys!

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