It’s Chesney’s birthday and while most people get a few birthday cake emojis on Facebook, and if they’re lucky a celebratory drink, Unlucky Brown only gets a birthday card from Fiz and the sight of Bernie in her birthday suit. As the card is clearly a cheap one from a multipack and his naked (sort of) mother-in-law looks like Matt Lucas in a wig, you’d imagine his day couldn’t get any worse. Wrong. Bernie suggests they spend the day in bed. Remarkably Chesney manages to get out of his house without gagging and tells Paul and Gemma what’s happened. Unfortunately Bernie has got her story in first, and has told Gemma that it was Ches who made a pass at her! Not being overblessed in the brain department Gemma can’t decide who to believe, so she decides she will have to move back into No.5 to keep an eye on the pair of them.
Out on the street Tracy and Liz are spying on Tim and Steve as they prepare to leave for a unicorn gig. As the two set off they apparently don’t notice that they’re being followed, despite their trackers being in a large black van with Preston’s Petals written on the side in big purple letters. When the boys pull into a car park and get into the back of the horse box together, Tracy fears that it could be ‘a gay thing’, until Liz points out that Steve has been married more times than Henry VIII and not once to a man (tho I have my suspicions about Karen!). When they throw open the door the glittery truth is revealed. Tracy is furious and demands they get back to driving cabs, but she allows them to do one final unicorn kids party.
Meanwhile Abi has had a haircut and a successful job interview, so Sally suggests they get their nails done to celebrate. Because there’s only one nail bar in the whole of Manchester they go to Rachel’s salon where Abi spots Alina. She says hello but the frightened girl is too terrified to acknowledge her. When she tells The Incredible Sulk that his former girlfriend is still working there, he whinges to Eileen and Jan that she must have lied because she doesn’t want to see him. This is quickly confirmed by dodgy Jan who would clearly prefer him to stay away.
In the café Kirk figures out that Maria likes Ali and drops some unsubtle hints to the dishy doctor. He acts on this information by spending the whole day drinking in the Rovers looking brooding (which I didn’t actually mind too much). Finally Maria drags him back to her flat to hear a song request she’s made for him on the radio and to give him a much needed snog.
Also in the Rovers, Tim gets a text from Sally saying she’s been out shopping with an unexpected windfall. When they get back to No.4 they find Sally, Tracy, Liz and Michael (?) all in a hot tub which they’ve bought with the unicorn money. Initially annoyed, Steve softens when Tracy tells him that it means they will now have full use not only of the tub, but of the Metcalfe garden! With his guard down Steve lets slip that he saw Robert with Vicky. Information which Tracy clearly loves. Robert mate, your double-life days are numbered.
Finally, Kev gets a call from a Roy who has a broken-down Woody. He reluctantly leaves Jack on his own, but when he’s out of sight an intruder lets himself into No 13 and rifles through Paula’s legal papers. A terrified Jack sees him and hiding under the bed frantically texts ‘HELP!’ to his Dad. Kev gets the message and rushes to the house, falling over on the way like a dispensable girl in a horror film. As he bangs on the door the intruder legs it out the back only to get taken down by a knee in the groin from Abi (who would definitely have been the final girl and beaten Michael Myers to a pulp!) The police take the intruder away and everyone is confused that nothing appears to have been taken until Paula finally confesses that she knows who’s behind it as she is being targeted by a criminal gang. Kev and Sophie are both furious at her for putting Jack in danger and she’s told to pack her bags.
And that’s it for tonight. So, do we think Paula is an innocent victim or is she up to something sinister? Personally I hope it’s the former, but that’s mainly because she has lovely hair and I’m shallow and easily swayed by this sort of thing.
Let me know what you think in the comments or on twitter @mskelstar
Until next week, byeeeee
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