Saturday, 15 January 2011

Michelle: Ma Belle

Kym Marsh Ryder Marsh’s unexpected maternity leave has created a hole on Coronation Street.  Her sudden departure means there is no character who personifies the goddess Aphrodite on British screens.  What will we do without her?
Michelle Connor is the current Queen of the Street, the woman all the female viewers want to be, and the male ones want to bed.  She enriches every scene she’s in, drawing our eye with the screen presence of a Garbo or a Hepburn; even when all she’s doing is ordering a pint at the bar, her personality radiates through the screen and wipes out everyone else present.
She first arrived in April 2006, auditioning for the singing role in Vernon Tomlin’s band.  Obviously, she got the role, due to her having the greatest female singing voice since Aretha Franklin, but she soon departed after Vernon attempted to grope her.  This points out her inspirational moral standards and commitment to truth and sincerity.
Michelle returned later that year, to become a barmaid at the Rovers, where she immediately caught Steve McDonald’s eye – he is, after all, only human.   She brought with her a family of two brothers who died early; this was to increase the tragedy of Michelle’s life, since she had lost Our Dean at an early age and had been saddled with Ryan and his hair as a result. 
Despite their glaring sexual connection, Steve couldn’t get up the courage to approach this Venus, and so she hooked up with a businessman named Sonny; like all Manchester millionaires, he was never happier than hanging around a backstreet boozer while his fiancĂ© wiped dried up Stella off a beermat.  Unfortunately for Michelle, Sonny was bisexual, and if soap operas have taught us anything, it’s that bisexuals can’t be trusted.  No sooner had he slipped a ring on Michelle’s finger than he was banging Sean during a bomb scare.  Obviously, Michelle couldn’t tolerate this, and Sonny’s stupidity in choosing a man over her resulted in him being driven out of the Street and never seen again.
The way was now clear for Steve to become involved with this titan of sexuality; he didn’t really seem to want to, but really, how could he resist?  With her powerful sexual allure he was powerless, and before long she was settled in the Rovers, complaining that she had to work Christmas Day while Betty (aged 90) got off scott-free during the festive season to visit Her Gordon Down South.  Before long she was doing the rotas too, overriding Liz McDonald at will, which gave her plenty of time to deal with her latest personal disaster: her new-found son.
Yes,  Ryan, the boy with the pallid complexion and Busby hairdo, was not her real son, but instead a lanky youth with curls called Alex was.  This seemed unlikely, as Alex didn’t have the patented Connor shiny black locks, but a DNA test proved otherwise.  This was a bonus for both sons;  Alex got a mother, and Ryan realised that those secret thoughts he’d had about Michelle (a.k.a the universe’s most desirable woman) were not that disgusting after all. 
This horrific situation, a nightmare for mothers everywhere, resolved itself when Michelle decided never to see Alex ever again.  He gracefully accepted that her decision was final, and turned his back on his real family.  Michelle had only so much love to give, and giving it all to Ryan was hassle enough, without someone else getting involved.  Alex retreated to his parent’s house; he later killed himself, feeling unloved, but no-one cared.
At around the same time her relationship with Steve began to flounder.  For some reason, he disliked being lectured and harangued at every moment, and began a mucky affair with the scraggy waitress in the cafe, Becky.  His betrayal displays his clear lack of mental acuity, and Michelle acted with dignity when she found out about the affair, turning his mother against him and using his young child in her psychological mind games.  She refused to be bitter, and concentrated her efforts on moving on and up - taking the opportunity to make a tour of Europe with a band, because the Continent is desperate to hear tattooed skanks belting out Total Eclipse of the Heart while a man fiddles with his Bontempi in the background.
She returned, bigger and better - quite literally, as Kym Marsh Ryder Marsh came back two bra sizes larger thanks to a friendly surgeon.  Michelle immediately made plans to change her life, taking a flat above the kebab shop (though she complained to Dev that the smell from the shop was making her feel ill and demanded that he did something about it; his response was to stop making kebabs completely, as nothing should interfere with her lifestyle).  A friendly builder fell through the roof and put a smile on her face; he was entranced by the vision of Michelle rising from the bath, much as Sean Connery was captured by Ursula Andress rising from the waves in Dr No.  Only with more tattoos.
Her true calling came when Him out of Boyzone came back to the Street, and immediately fell for her seductive charms.  He pursued her relentlessly, but Michelle rightly recognised that she could do better than an internationally renowned boy band star and sex symbol with thousands of screaming fans.  She kept him at arm’s length, using her incredible sexual charisma to distract him so that the trained chef forgot how to roast a chicken (an easy mistake), before finally relenting and allowing him to throw it up her.  
At around the same time, Carla Connor rightly decided that a career pulling pints in small pubs would naturally have prepared Michelle to be a high-flying businesswoman.  She demanded that Michelle become her assistant in the factory, ignoring the pleas of people who had actually done that kind of job (such as Sally Webster) because they didn’t have Michelle’s innate brilliance.  True to form, Michelle was immediately forced to complain incessantly because she felt like Carla was leaving her to do too much work.  Carla apologised, and confessed that alcoholism meant she couldn’t pay Michelle as much attention as she deserved; Michelle forgave her, because she is, after all, the most wonderful humanoid in creation.

How will the Street survive without her?  Rumours are that Emily Bishop is even now petitioning the Pope for beatification, even though she’s not even a Catholic; in the meantime, Carla Connor is wrapping her chair in plastic between sobs so that no-one else sullies it.  Him out of Boyzone is inconsolable and is considering homosexuality, because no woman could possibly compare with Michelle.  Hurry back, Kym
Marsh Ryder Marsh; without you, Coronation Street is nothing.

24 comments:

alan45 said...

Just how far is your tongue in your cheek.

Kym Marsh has an opinion on everything

The woman is a legend in her own mind

Annie said...

Merseytart.... Utterly brilliant!

Ann x said...

What an enjoyable read. God bless Him from Boyzone.

Anonymous said...

one of the great things about the 50th anniversary week episodes is that 'Michelle' wasn't in them!

seapenguin said...

I wish Kim Marsh Ryder Marsh Marsh all the best at the moment, I really do, but I'm not keen on the character Michelle - especially tiresome when she rests her "chests" on the bar and/or the camera is angled leeringly at fake "chests" level. Whereas I don't really mind it with Rosie Webster, because she camps it up pretty well. Ryan was dire too.

bbhilda said...

Ha ha ha!! Love it!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant, Merseytart! I'm sure we'll all do our best to get through without her. But it will be hard (line scratched through)--- absolutely delightful!

JohnMcE said...

I'm sure I read at the time Ry-yan left that he would be back briefly at Christmas. Thankfully they obviously forgot about it!

Frosty the Snowman said...

Are you mad? Its sycophantic writings like this that make the Corrie producers really believe the hype that Me Me Me Michelle "is a very popular character". From the varous web boards there are very few people that like her. Vain, common, lazy and another one that jumps from bed to bed, she was brought in to cause trouble between Vernon and Liz and her brothers and gormless son soon followed. Now they have gone, this should be the chance for Michelle should be written out. Good luck to Kym but you will not be missed in Corrie whatsoever.

Billy Niblick said...

WHOOOOOSH!

Hear that? I was the joke going right over Frosty the Snowman's head. ;-)

Pickledjo said...

Brilliantly written.

This says all the little bitchy things I think.

Loved it. :)

saddled with Ryan and his hair as a result" HA!

Anonymous said...

>>Alex retreated to his parent’s >>house; he later killed himself, >>feeling unloved, but no-one cared

Did Alex really kill himself, or is that just tongue in cheek? :-)

Tvor said...

Tongue in cheek, definitely. I was about to be all affronted with this Queen of the STreet stuff but you are forgiven! lol Great stuff

keith said...

Ah ha, so they are enhanced! Wonderful read.

John M said...

Excellent read! Personally I think it's about time that the character was written out for good. I'm sure Corrie can survived without her.

maggie muggins said...

ROFL. You had me going till "...her personality radiates through the screen and wipes out everyone else present".

Must have been as much fun to write as it was to read Merseytart! Now that we have that off our chests...

Anonymous said...

"there is no character who personifies the goddess Aphrodite on British screens" ?????

"the woman all ... the male ones want to bed" ?????

You have to be joking!!!

The one who fills those roles is that gorgeous bundle of underplayed sex (till that nasal drone comes out of her mouth) -- Sian!!!

mister_tmg said...

LOL I was fooled at first too... very well-written. ;)

It does seem to be that Kym-chelle is thought of and treated as a far bigger star than the audience thinks - unless I'm wrong and she does have a legion of fans out there (I know there's a Twitter for her fans, so I guess she does have them).

She makes far more "celebrity" appearances than any other cast member. I saw her New! magazine column yesterday. I know she was a star before Corrie, but Pat Phoenix she ain't - Kym's basically playing herself. Michelle just seems a bit bland really. I must admit, I find her quite inoffensive mostly, and I reckon Kym's a nice girl really.

I think over the first few years the producers really did ram her character down our throats, with loads of big storylines. But I don't think she's a Street favourite at all - it just happens that she was already a 'name', so she gives ITV good publicity. For instance, she was on the cover of that Sean Egan book, and was one of the 'iconic women of the Street' featured by Radio Times on the cover - and would anyone argue she belongs there? The other two featured young characters were Tina and Becky - both of whom I consider better actresses and characters.

Annie said...

When Corrie started employing "names", that was the start of the rot.

Craig Charles... John Thompson... Rula Lenska.... Kym Marsh....

Soap should be about new, talented local actors, taking over and becoming well-loved characters. Not some cheap extended cameo for a famous face.

The more they immerse themselves in the "zeleb culture", the more we hate them.... it was Angela Griffin and Tracy Shaw 10 years ago... now it's Kym Marsh. Overexposed and over-rated.

Like I said... I really hope that she'll be off our screen for nearly a year, and she might even find a different celebrity pursuit.

The Garden Pixie said...

Annie, I totally agree with you. Although I enjoy small cameos with "stars" like Mel Hutchwright,I agree the rot set in when famous 'names' who wouldnt have been seen dead in a soap a decade ago, suddenly are given the roles that should be given to aspiring local unknowns. Now they are bringing in Stephanie Cole as Roy's mother and the bloke in the Bill is also coming into it. Its wrong.

Flaming Nora said...

Oooh!!!!

Tvor said...

I can't say i agree with Annie about not hiring "names". There's a lot of good actors out there and you can't not hire them just because they've made a success at something else. Having said that, i think they should only be hired if they have talent and can bring something to the show. I don't think Kym ever really did other than publicity. I can't say i've ever really enjoyed most of her storylines and seeing her face unrelentingly on any Corrie related thing in the paper or on screen overexposed her and makes me dislike her even more. She's not a bad actor but she's not all that great either.

I think Craig Charles does a great job as Lloyd and he does fit in very well. I think the lady that's going to be Roy's mother will be perfect for the role! It doesn't bother me that she was previously unknown. Yes, it is good to give an unknown actor a role and i don't think that should ever stop but occasionally, why not give it to an experienced actor if they're going to really fit the role?

maggie muggins said...

...the key word being "actor". Though I notice there's not as much complaint about Ciaran. I'm more taken by his being so nice, than his looks which ain't half bad.

I agree, Tvor. Craig Charles has become a good character, and I think there's a very good chance Stephanie Cole will do a great job as Roy's Mum, even if for a short stay. Sir Ian's Hutchwright was brill, but I draw the line at Snoop Dog.

Anonymous said...

I also agree that Craig Charles has fitted in extremely well - in fact, I would go as far as to say he has become one of my favourite characters. The performances are very understated and natural. Not a great fan of the Michelle character or the storylines she has been involved in. In general I wouldn't say that it was a mistake to bring in names as it can work very well, with Mel Hutchwright being a good case in point, along with Lewis. I don't think the finger can be pointed just because the Michelle character is not well liked.

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