Michelle: Ma Belle

Kym Marsh Ryder Marsh’s unexpected maternity leave has created a hole on Coronation Street.  Her sudden departure means there is no character who personifies the goddess Aphrodite on British screens.  What will we do without her?

Michelle Connor is the current Queen of the Street, the woman all the female viewers want to be, and the male ones want to bed.  She enriches every scene she’s in, drawing our eye with the screen presence of a Garbo or a Hepburn; even when all she’s doing is ordering a pint at the bar, her personality radiates through the screen and wipes out everyone else present.

She first arrived in April 2006, auditioning for the singing role in Vernon Tomlin’s band.  Obviously, she got the role, due to her having the greatest female singing voice since Aretha Franklin, but she soon departed after Vernon attempted to grope her.  This points out her inspirational moral standards and commitment to truth and sincerity.

Michelle returned later that year, to become a barmaid at the Rovers, where she immediately caught Steve McDonald’s eye – he is, after all, only human.   She brought with her a family of two brothers who died early; this was to increase the tragedy of Michelle’s life, since she had lost Our Dean at an early age and had been saddled with Ryan and his hair as a result. 

Despite their glaring sexual connection, Steve couldn’t get up the courage to approach this Venus, and so she hooked up with a businessman named Sonny; like all Manchester millionaires, he was never happier than hanging around a backstreet boozer while his fiancé wiped dried up Stella off a beermat.  Unfortunately for Michelle, Sonny was bisexual, and if soap operas have taught us anything, it’s that bisexuals can’t be trusted.  No sooner had he slipped a ring on Michelle’s finger than he was banging Sean during a bomb scare.  Obviously, Michelle couldn’t tolerate this, and Sonny’s stupidity in choosing a man over her resulted in him being driven out of the Street and never seen again.

The way was now clear for Steve to become involved with this titan of sexuality; he didn’t really seem to want to, but really, how could he resist?  With her powerful sexual allure he was powerless, and before long she was settled in the Rovers, complaining that she had to work Christmas Day while Betty (aged 90) got off scott-free during the festive season to visit Her Gordon Down South.  Before long she was doing the rotas too, overriding Liz McDonald at will, which gave her plenty of time to deal with her latest personal disaster: her new-found son.

Yes,  Ryan, the boy with the pallid complexion and Busby hairdo, was not her real son, but instead a lanky youth with curls called Alex was.  This seemed unlikely, as Alex didn’t have the patented Connor shiny black locks, but a DNA test proved otherwise.  This was a bonus for both sons;  Alex got a mother, and Ryan realised that those secret thoughts he’d had about Michelle (a.k.a the universe’s most desirable woman) were not that disgusting after all. 

This horrific situation, a nightmare for mothers everywhere, resolved itself when Michelle decided never to see Alex ever again.  He gracefully accepted that her decision was final, and turned his back on his real family.  Michelle had only so much love to give, and giving it all to Ryan was hassle enough, without someone else getting involved.  Alex retreated to his parent’s house; he later killed himself, feeling unloved, but no-one cared.

At around the same time her relationship with Steve began to flounder.  For some reason, he disliked being lectured and harangued at every moment, and began a mucky affair with the scraggy waitress in the cafe, Becky.  His betrayal displays his clear lack of mental acuity, and Michelle acted with dignity when she found out about the affair, turning his mother against him and using his young child in her psychological mind games.  She refused to be bitter, and concentrated her efforts on moving on and up - taking the opportunity to make a tour of Europe with a band, because the Continent is desperate to hear tattooed skanks belting out Total Eclipse of the Heart while a man fiddles with his Bontempi in the background.

She returned, bigger and better - quite literally, as Kym Marsh Ryder Marsh came back two bra sizes larger thanks to a friendly surgeon.  Michelle immediately made plans to change her life, taking a flat above the kebab shop (though she complained to Dev that the smell from the shop was making her feel ill and demanded that he did something about it; his response was to stop making kebabs completely, as nothing should interfere with her lifestyle).  A friendly builder fell through the roof and put a smile on her face; he was entranced by the vision of Michelle rising from the bath, much as Sean Connery was captured by Ursula Andress rising from the waves in Dr No.  Only with more tattoos.

Her true calling came when Him out of Boyzone came back to the Street, and immediately fell for her seductive charms.  He pursued her relentlessly, but Michelle rightly recognised that she could do better than an internationally renowned boy band star and sex symbol with thousands of screaming fans.  She kept him at arm’s length, using her incredible sexual charisma to distract him so that the trained chef forgot how to roast a chicken (an easy mistake), before finally relenting and allowing him to throw it up her.  

At around the same time, Carla Connor rightly decided that a career pulling pints in small pubs would naturally have prepared Michelle to be a high-flying businesswoman.  She demanded that Michelle become her assistant in the factory, ignoring the pleas of people who had actually done that kind of job (such as Sally Webster) because they didn’t have Michelle’s innate brilliance.  True to form, Michelle was immediately forced to complain incessantly because she felt like Carla was leaving her to do too much work.  Carla apologised, and confessed that alcoholism meant she couldn’t pay Michelle as much attention as she deserved; Michelle forgave her, because she is, after all, the most wonderful humanoid in creation.

How will the Street survive without her?  Rumours are that Emily Bishop is even now petitioning the Pope for beatification, even though she’s not even a Catholic; in the meantime, Carla Connor is wrapping her chair in plastic between sobs so that no-one else sullies it.  Him out of Boyzone is inconsolable and is considering homosexuality, because no woman could possibly compare with Michelle.  Hurry back, Kym Marsh Ryder Marsh; without you, Coronation Street is nothing.