How the fire week came about

INT.  CORONATION STREET PRODUCER'S OFFICE.

Stuart Blackburn, much feared Coronation Street producer, crosses to his water cooler after a long day of script reading.  He turns the tap, but instead of pure clean water, a trickle of blood pours out into his paper cup.  He turns ashen, and calls to his secretary.

SB: Serena!  Bolt the doors!  The executives are coming!

But it's too late.  His office doors swing open and he is confronted by four black-clad representatives of ITV Network Centre: Conquest, War, Death, and Ratings.  Stuart cowers behind his desk.

SB: What... what do you want?

WAR:  Three coffees, thank you.  No sugar.  And just an Evian for Conquest: she's on the paleo.

CONQUEST: I've got a christening in August, and I'm a bit hippy for the pictures.

DEATH: We're here to discuss BGT week.

Stuart slowly rises up and sits in his chair.  

SB: Oh.  That's fine.  We've sorted out a big event for that week.  Steve and Michelle's wedding.

The Executives wince.

DEATH: And?

SB:  And... Liz will realise that her relationship is a sham.  She'll have a huge breakdown.  It'll be very touching.

DEATH: And?

SB:  And... people will enjoy it.  It's a much loved character finding happiness after a year of depression.  It's heartwarming.

RATINGS:  MORE!

CONQUEST: Yes, calm yourself Ratings.  Stuart, dear, I don't think you've quite grasped the significance of Britain's Got Talent week.  This is Britain's Got Talent: the United Kingdom's finest hunt for talking dogs and Eastern European gymnast acts.  It's a huge hit for us, and we can't have Coronation Street sandwiched inbetween the main show and the results being "heartwarming" and "life-affirming" and "happy".  No-one wants to see that.

WAR: I mean, what will we put in the trailers?  A kiss?  I know I wouldn't tune in to that.

SB:  Oh.

WAR:  Can't you blow something up?  Blowing something up always looks good in the trailers.  People like explosions.  Look at the Transformers films.

DEATH: I do like those films.

RATINGS: MORE!

SB: We've already written the scripts, though.

WAR: Scripts can be revised.  Writing is easy.  Death's a writer.  He does Midsomer Murders fan fiction online.

DEATH: Barnaby and Nelson are lovers.

SB: It's all been planned.  And the budgets have been allocated.

CONQUEST: Stop coming up with barriers.  Barriers are just there to be vaulted.  I have that on a poster in my office.  You just need to reallocate the money.  You have the wedding on Monday and Tuesday, then we blow things up Wednesday through Friday.

SB: We've only just opened this set, and you want us to blow it up.

WAR: Sets are made to be destroyed, Stuart.  That's why they're made out of plywood.  Blow up an unimportant corner of it.

DEATH: Those flats.  They've never really fit in.  Blow them up.

Stuart begins scribbling notes through his anguished tears.

SB: I suppose we could burn down Victoria Court.  I'm not sure why.  If Steve and Michelle have their wedding in the pub, we could save on location costs.

RATINGS:  MORE!

CONQUEST: You'll have to cut down on guest stars.  Andy and Ryan can go.

SB: They're close family members to the bride and groom.  They have to be there.

CONQUEST:  Rubbish.  Ryan was hopeless when he was in it, so no-one will miss him.  And Andy hasn't been in it for ages.  No-one will remember him.

SB: He's providing the honeymoon.

DEATH: You can cover it with dialogue.  Remember: "Tell, don't show."

CONQUEST: You're so good at this writing stuff.

RATINGS:  MORE!

WAR: A good explosion.  The roof can collapse.  Fireballs on the trailers.  Bits of wall falling into the street.

CONQUEST:  Are you aroused?

WAR: A little.

CONQUEST:  Me too.  But we need more.  Carla.  Carla is ratings gold.  She's trapped and needs help.

Stuart pulls a pained face.

SB: Does it have to be Carla?  Ali King's unhappy.  She says she's an actress, not a crash test dummy.  She's only just forgiven us for dangling her over the edge of a cliff in a minibus.

DEATH: Pfft.  Actresses.  They're just meat puppets.  What's she going to do?  Leave?

CONQUEST: Put the lesbians in there as well.

SB: Sophie and Maddie?  Why?

CONQUEST:  They're massive on Tumblr.  Teenage girls love them.

SB: I'll need more money for casting.

WAR: Why?

SB: We're blowing up a block of flats.  All those extras.

Death shakes his head.

DEATH: You don't need extras.  Let me tell you something, Stuart: no-one tunes in to watch extras.  Extras do not make valuable trailer moments.  We can't say, "do tune in, we'll have forty people standing around in dressing gowns."

RATINGS:  MORE!

DEATH: No, take the money you would have spent on extras and spend it on explosions.  You could probably get an extra three gas jets for that money.

CONQUEST: In fact, cut out the cast members you need as well.

SB: Nick lives in Victoria Court.  With Bethany and Sarah-Lou.  Obviously they'll have to be there.

CONQUEST: No.  Send him to Birmingham.  And have the girls stay with their nan.  Problem solved.  We should be concentrating on Carla, not getting distracted with side characters.

SB: The Tilsleys have been in the programme for forty years.  They're hardly side characters.

WAR: Forty years?  Really?  Has the programme been going that long?  Blimey.

DEATH: Don't ask me, I used to work at the Post Office.

CONQUEST: I think my nan used to watch it.  I didn't really watch tv growing up.

RATINGS: MORE!

WAR: So that's settled then?  Get this stupid character filled wedding out the way, blow some stuff up, and put Carla Connor in peril.  Ratings gold.  Absolutely no-one will turn over to Panorama on BBC One while that's happening.

The Executives get up to leave.

DEATH: Oh, and one more thing.  Kill someone.

SB: No problem.  Jimi Mistry's just handed in his notice.

DEATH: Who?

WAR: Him off Strictly.

CONQUEST: Oh, I love Strictly.

RATINGS: MORE!

Stuart Blackburn sobs.


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