Friday, 11 October 2013

Fat Brenda's Cream Horn


Oh loveys, a celebrity has arrived on’t cobbles and he’s walking among us; like he’s just a normal fella, but I know it’s him: Sir Tom Jones!
I mean he does talk with an Irish accent an’ that but that’s all part of his disguise! And what a disguise it is; an elderly, irritating, lonely Irish fella! It's the last thing you'd expect of Tom so it's no wonder he's not been discovered!


Barry Connor "Fer sure I jist want to see me dortor!"

I don’t know what’s got into David recently but if he tries sticking that giant cotton bud into me gob again I’ll flamin’ swing for him and stuff it where the sun don’t shine! He was wielding it like a young Wolf or Hunter from Gladiators! Oh loveys, if only David had a chest like them Gladiator fellas… firm… broad… tanned... oh loveys… mmmmmmmm
Cotton buds! Oooh, him on the left has stored his fruit in his shorts! Healthy!
What the flamin’ hell was I going on about then?
Oh aye, David!
“I just need to know!” he kept shouting. “I just need to know if you’re me real mam!”
The cheek of it! There’s only one person on this street that could have spawned that satanic seed and it’s Gail “give me an husband and I’ll kill him” McIntyre!
Stella’s sold the Rovers to a mystery buyer and the only mystery is that no one on’t cobbles has worked out that it’s our Steve! He's on his phone more than a teenage boy with a mucky phone line addiction at the moment! And all them hints he’s dropping about him and Michelle being happy when they were there! Is he for real?
“Do you remember Michelle; all them good times in the Rovers?”
“What good times were them then, Steve?”
“You know… when Ryan turned out not to be yours.”
Mind you loveys, that’s not such a bad thing nowadays is it? If I was Ryan’s mam I’d deny parental responsibility for him an’ all!
“What other good times, Steve?”
“Like when I had that affair with Becky! And when your Liam died… I haven’t thought this through have I..?”
“No you flamin’ haven’t!”
Still, at least Leanne is happy for Stella to work at the Bistro cos she did really well with the Rovers in her two an’ a bit years - apart from the affair, the subsequent fire, the two dead folk and her annoying mother arriving! WHAT AN ASSET SHE’LL BE! Nick will be so pleased!
Mind you, Nick’s lost his sense of humour an’ all! I’ve been to see him twice and every time I’ve been he said I wasn’t there for him, I was there for me!
I would’ve argued but I’d eaten so many of his grapes and chocolates I couldn’t open me gob! The second time he said it I’d had too much of his Lucozade and I was desperately trying to remember how to do me pelvic floor exercises cos I knew I wouldn’t make it to the bog without having to grab one of them cardboard potty things they have in’t hospitals! I had asked the nurse if she could fit me with a quick catheter while I was visiting but she said it was waste of resource!
I'd fill about three of these and a flamin' Tena Lady!
“Lovey, what’s gonna be a waste of resource is you mopping up me mucky business on’t floor after I’ve had a litre of that poor brain damaged bearded fella's Luco-flamin'-zade!” I said.
Peter Barlow told me that Eva has a couple of belting assets so he’s given her a promotion and made her head of filing which is cracking for Eva cos if there’s one thing she knows about it’s filing; she’s never got an emery board out of her hands that one!
Right, I'm off to me pole dancing class and I've been practicing all week so I'll definitely be better than Emily Bishop this time! She's a right teacher's pet that one!

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Another brilliantly belting blog, Brenda.

Hands down one of my favorite blogs to read. You don't disappoint. And spot on there with Steve and Michelle :)

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