Monday, 22 July 2013

My Meerkat Hell

Aw, the Meerkats!  Everyone loves the Meerkats, right?  They're so cute, with their strange Russian accents and quizzical faces and little smoking jackets.  Adorbs!


NO.  These little break bumpers have been creeping me out for some time, and it's just getting worse.

At first it was sweet - the meerkat characters wandering round Coronation Street, poking their heads in the Kabin, reading the menu at the Bistro.  Then I began to wonder: where were all the people?  Where were all the residents?

A completely empty Rovers, for example.  When has that ever happened?  Even when they had no electricity a few months ago, the bar was still rammed with residents trying to stop Rita from finding an excuse to sing.  There is no-one in that pub, not even Stella offering to help Vassily with his darts because it turns out she's an expert on that as well.

The truth is obvious.

These supposedly "humorous" vignettes are actually set in a post-apocalyptic Weatherfield.  This is Manchester after all the humans have been consumed by ravenous Meerkats hell-bent on global domination.

I mean, look.  Would Gail McIntyre really let a filthy rodent into her home?  One she wasn't related to, anyway?  She's far too houseproud to let that happen.  And she definitely wouldn't let an animal finger her biscuit barrel; Gail's Rich Teas are strictly monitored.  She counts them in and counts them out, and God help you if you try to sneak one in before your tea.  But there is a meerkat, bold as brass, dunking her biscuits in her china.

The only explanation for how this occurred is that Gail is somehow... indisposed.  What horrible fate have the residents been condemned to?


Oh, the horror.

Each of these supposedly "sweet" films actually show our new Meerkat overlords larking about in the homes and businesses of their slaughtered victims.  It's a bit like Planet of the Apes, but replacing Charlton Heston with Norris Cole.

Bless Eccles for still trying to protect his owners, chasing the Meerkats round the Street.  He's still wearing his lead, which implies that Aleksander dealt with Dierdre only moments before this was filmed; I suspect that if you poked your head round the ginnel you'd find her half-eaten corpse, a cigarette dangling from her mauled face.

In short, these videos are an insight into a hell that none of us want to see; a future where Coronation Street is a wasteland populated by sadistic, violent beasts.  ITV's persistence in showing them in the middle of wholesome family entertainment is sick, sick, sick, and I for one will be fast forwarding through them as quickly as possible until sanity is restored.  It almost makes me hanker for the return of those two sofa women and their weird sub-dom relationship with that man ("Fetch us food, while we luxuriate on this three seater!").


Shudder.


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12 comments:

Tvor said...

Brilliant!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

Humpty Dumpty said...

Very good!!! Funny thing about the meerkats, hate the actual commercial but love them on Corrie. In fact, at one time, these snippets were better than the episode that followed.

Paul SMITH said...

I am afraid that ever since the incessant use of meerkats for advertising, I have grown to detest them, and do my level best (skilful use of fast forward button) to avoid the little varmints. I usually succeed.

Stephen said...

Watching Corra clandestinely in America, as I do, I only occasionally see these animations. Are they advertising something? What is their purpose? To irritate?

Anonymous said...

I like the Meercats - anything is an improvement on those two fat women lying on the sofa or one feeding the other with peas!

bbhilda said...

They are promoting insurance Stephen, and you can receive a meerkat doll when you buy your insurance through them. However you would never know that by watching the Corrie ads, you have to have seen their non-Corrie ones.
Actually, when you go to You Tube and watch the whole Corrie ad, the vignettes make a lot more sense. I wonder why they never show the whole thing?
I too like them in Corrie, nowhere near as annoying as I thought they would be.

Norris. said...

Actuall the meerkats are the litter of Gail MacIntyre. Haven't you seen the resemblance? David, with his rodent features was first, more-human such off-spring. Now you know what she gets up to all that time alone in the bogs at Nick's.

We Shall Rise said...

Hello?!! They are engaged in world domination, of course they aren't eating the residents of Corrie, they've enslaved them all. In fact, Deirdre and Rita are probably busy right now building colossal monuments to their overlords. Duh! :)

ChiaGwen said...

Rip-Roaring hilarious!!! LOL till my sides split -oh dear....

Anonymous said...

I find them completely annoying and un-funny. Once or twice maybe but now...ZZZZ.

@NickJay6 (Manchester) said...

I absolutely and totally LOVE the Meerkats - funny, original ... yes maybe they need some new ones so they don't get boring or tedious but remember folks what's gone before. Do you REALLY want those detestable women back from DHS or whatever it was ... "He knows the rules" or even more ridiculously throwing peas over her shoulder or tandem watching of Corrie. Times like those we don't need again or it's throat cutting time!!!! :)

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