Love all your children equally. "Hello Dad. You know how I have major abandonment issues after my real mum died in a tragic accident and left me mute? And then my new mum not only left me but also died really young? Well, after you dropped me off on an inner city back street and told me to make my own way to a football club I didn't want to go to, I was mugged by two big lads who stole my trainers and then left to sit on this park bench in the hope that someone would eventually find me and care for me. On top of all that I'm feeling pretty ostracised and ignored at the moment because you and my newest stepmum spend all their time talking about their babies and leave me upstairs in my bedroom on my own. Does that make things clearer for you?"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Get in the car will you? I need you to go upstairs to your bedroom on your own while me and your newest stepmum spend all our time talking about our babies."
Gail wants to be a wedding planner. I regret to inform you that Gail has rediscovered the Idiot Ball. I thought, after she returned from Thailand, that the writers might have remembered that she was a clever, interesting woman, but after a couple of blips, they've given in and started writing her like she's had a knock on the head again. There was a delightful little joke in David & Shona's wedding where the guests noted that Gail had plenty of experience at organising nuptials, and they seem to have taken that joke and hammered it into the ground. She was insisting on some kind of credit for Adam and Sarah-Lou's upcoming wedding, and weaved a brief fantasy of driving around Cheshire touring castles for rich WAGs. She's not even very good at organising the wedding - somehow Gail forgot to invite Sally, her oldest friend on the Street and someone who's known Sarah-Lou since she was a baby, leaving it to the bride to ask her.
The rest of the factory immediately went on strike unless they got an invite as well. First of all, it's Sarah-Louise; if you don't get an invite to this wedding, I'm sure you'll get one to the next one in a couple of years. Secondly, have none of these people heard of evening do's? That's where you invite the dross. You get the people you actually care about round in the afternoon then get the hangers on over after six when the sandwiches have turned stiff at the corners.
Homophobia is back, back, BACK! Homosexuals generally get a very easy time of it in Weatherfield. Les Battersby made a few snide remarks about Todd back in the day, but since then, everyone on the Street has adjusted to the presence of The Gays with very little trouble. It's not entirely realistic. Billy and Paul regularly snog and hug in the Rovers in a way that, in the real world, would probably be met with at least a few raised eyebrows and tuts (not to mention the fact that Billy, a vicar, is shacked up with Paul and has had absolutely no negative responses from the Diocese or his parishioners.) When Rana ran off with Kate, Yasmeen and Alya were very careful to ensure she knew they didn't mind her being a lesbian, they just objected to her hurting Zeedan. So hurrah for Ed, who's taking James's coming out really, really badly. At first it looked like he was coping, then he collapsed into a mess of assaulting Danny for "corrupting" his son, sending disgusted looks across the pub, and saying things like "love the sinner, hate the sin."
Speaking as a card-carrying homosexual, obviously I'd prefer a world in which Ed had embraced his son, told him he loved him, and started planning his outfit for the Parents of LGBTQ+ section of the Manchester Pride march. That doesn't always happen though, and it's far more interesting to see a character wrestling with his feelings. There were signs in Friday's episode that Ed's concerns may be more about him worrying how James will cope as an out gay footballer, and with Aggie and Michael both on side, it surely won't be long before he comes round, but until then I think it's interesting to see a contrary view on the Street. That's drama and conflict. (Also James - you and Danny have had sex a couple of times, that doesn't make him your boyfriend. Calm down).
People! Places! Concepts! Lulu! I have never worked in PR, but I have seen every episode of Absolutely Fabulous, and so I was under the impression that "launches" involved a lot of champagne, tiny food, and beautiful people wandering around networking. You would never have got Edina Monsoon in a banqueting suite in a former Ramada just off the A57. Everything about the launch of the Freshco Four was terrible, from the nasty carpet to the banners, and I kind of loved it. Freshco is always talked about by the cast as though it's on a par with Asda or Morrison's but it's clear from this event that they're not fit to lick the boots of Heron Foods. It certainly explains how Tara can thrive there. What a very odd character she was. I think she was about four minutes away from either breaking down in tears or punching someone at all times.
Weatherfield Police is spending your tax money unwisely. It's funny what the coppers rate as a priority case, isn't it? Kel got caught with a laptop full of pictures of semi-naked boys while Paul gave chapter and verse about his abuse: no charge. That loan shark who vanished without a trace in extremely suspicious circumstances? A shrug. But a car being set alight? That warrants two policemen hounding, pursuing and relentlessly calling in for questioning Kev and Abi, over and over and over. Not to mention all the times that policeman turned up and told them he was going to get them, you see if he didn't. By the fourteenth scene of exactly the same thing happening, I found my mind wandering, taking in the other details in scenes, like how very tall Ray is towering over tiny Kevin. Or how nine-year-old Jack could probably get served in a pub if he wanted. Or how there's a picture of Kevin and Debbie on the fridge, which reminded me how great she was, and we should really get Sue Delaney back more permanently.
Anyway, the investigation continues, blah blah blah.
This week also saw the return of Michael's "hilarious" inventions, but I refuse to give it the oxygen of publicity, and if you don't like it you can send me an offensive message on Twitter @merseytart. I won't read it but you might feel better.
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