Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Tracy Barlow should never be the voice of reason.  Jude and Angie's surprise vow renewal is hurtling down the railway tracks toward us.  The engine's bellowing smoke, the wheels are coming off, there are passengers leaning out the window screaming with their hair on fire.  The only person who can see it for the disaster it is is Mistress of Darkness Tracy Barlow.  That alone should be reason to stop and pause.  If Tracy - a convicted murderess who once drugged Roy Cropper to win a penny - thinks that your scheme is ridiculous and doomed to fail, perhaps you should reconsider.  Instead she found herself suspended from Mary's Circle Of Trust.  It doesn't help that Jude and Angie have all the sexual chemistry of reheated tapioca; Angie visibly flinches every time he's within twenty feet, and she only truly comes alive when she's hanging out with fellow high-flying professionals Toyah and Adam.  It's weird how lying about literally every element of your life can alienate a wife's affections.  It's even weirder that Jude thinks the way to win her round is to then lie to her again.  Repeatedly.  All I can say is he must look amazing naked because in any normal universe Angie would've run away months ago.

Lewis has to find ways to keep himself amused when he's home alone.  If you heard the above snippet of dialogue in Monday's episode and your mind didn't plummet into the gutter, you're the Archbishop of Canterbury and I claim my five pounds.

The Rovers needs a decent jukebox.  Neil Young?  Black Sabbath?  Thin Lizzy?  I'll give some points for Gorillaz, but it's otherwise a stream of pure dadrock.  It's 2018, and there's no excuse for offering a music selection that could've been swiped from Jeremy Clarkson's glove compartment.  Connect Jenny Bradley's phone up to the speakers - pumping 80s S-A-W classics would be infinitely preferable to hour after hour of tedious guitar bothering.  Or better still, invest in one of those flashy jukeboxes with the touchscreens that can play literally any track you want.  No wonder Steve looks unimpressed - he's been drinking in that pub for more than twenty years; he's probably heard Whiskey In The Jar more than his own mother's voice.

A new front has opened up in the Hairdresser Wars.  In a week of fraudulent compo claims, drive by paintballings and Kirk being accused of being a Furry, who could've guessed that one of the highlights would be two pensioners rowing over Maria Connor?  Audrey and Rita sniped at one another in the Rovers, bitching from behind limitless G&Ts, their immaculate hair helmets never moving no matter how agitated they got, and it was glorious.  It's difficult to pick a side in the battle of the biddies; both women have been near constant presences in my lifetime - it's like trying to pick which of my aunties I like best.  In the end, I think I fall on the side of Mrs Roberts, mainly because I don't think giving Maria fifteen thousand pounds can ever be a good idea.  There's always a danger she might get stopped on her way to Claudia Colby's with the cheque and return to the Street with a handful of magic beans.  (Incidentally, Jenny Bradley watched the events with barely disguised amusement, rather than demanding to know why Rita was so keen to give Maria money now when she refused to invest in her beauty salon back in 1993.  This is why Jenny Bradley is a saint and a better person than me).  (No, I will never call her Jenny Connor.  NEVER.)

The Barlow family tree has many tangled branches.  Simon was telling Carla he wouldn't mind if she got back together with his dad - "you'd be better than Toyah, anyway."  "Hey!" she objected.  "She's still your auntie!" - thereby reminding us of the weird, intermingled, overcomplex familial relationships of Coronation Street.  Honestly, the Barlows have had more quasi-incestuous interrelations than the Hapsburgs - later that same evening, Peter's brother Daniel flirted with Carla and reminded her that they'd had a tryst earlier this year.  Add in Adam being older than his uncle and Simon and Amy being simultaneously cousins and Oliver's siblings and you'd need an entire series of Who Do You Think You Are? to sort it out.

The author used to have a FriendConnect page but he got tired of prospective employers trawling through the photos and then using him in their psychosexual mind games.  Instead, contact him on Twitter: @merseytart.

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