Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

“Brenda love, do you swear by almighty Cliff to tell the truth the whole truth and nowt but the flamin’ truth?”

“Oh lovey, I do! I flamin’ well do! Oh kind folk of the jury, only you can set me free! Cos I’m flamin’ guilty! Guilty as a lass can be! Come on baby can’t you see, I stand accuuu-used, of love in the first degree!”

"Place yer hand on the bible"
Well loveys, eyes down look in for another trial at that travesty of justice called Weatherfield Court! They are to the law what Norris Cole is to keeping a secret! They are to the truth what Gail is to a lasting relationship! They are to justice what Gloria is to being likeable! They’ve sent down three innocent women and released one guilty grinning mare from’t same street so multiply that for every street in Weatherfield and it’s not a wonder society’s breaking down round here!
 
Poor Ty, not only has he had to shave his back since the age of eleven, he’s got Jackie Dobbs as a mam, lost Jack and Vera, lost his first wife who had a child to his best mate before she go killed by a tram and now he’s had seven bells beaten out of him by Kirsty! And to top it all off, he’s either gonna do a stretch or have a relationship with Fiz – some might say both options are equally flamin’ appalling!
 
I was in the gallery for the trial and I must say, it in’t looking good for Tyrone. He’s been badly stitched up, like a pair of knock off Underworld knickers! Eileen, still reeling from the death of that lass she hardly knew, was demolished by the defence. Mind you, it’s not difficult to flummox Eileen; she’s not the sharpest tool in’t box, where do you think Jason gets it from - nice flamin’ lad but I wouldn’t let him help with me Sudoku puzzle if you know what I mean!
Badly stitched up!
Funny in’t it, Leslie makes a fatal piece of cheese on toast and Eileen dun’t bat an eyelid when she goes up like a Christmas tree but Toni dies and she’s all upset about it!
 
“One minute I din’t know her and then I were jealous of her and now she’s dead an’ that an’ I’m gutted, Brenda! And Paul, well he’s just upset and I can only help him so much cos I’m so upset meself…”
 
Really lovey! Well how do you think I feel? I’ve been single since time began apart from the toothless advances of Polish Pete me pervy ex landlord and you’ve bagged yerself a firefella! Get a grip woman! And another thing, stop making out Tyrone’s a wife-beater when you know he’s a nice lad!
 
I’m not surprised at Deirdre sticking the knife in though; she’ll do owt for a bit of attention, why do you think she wears that ethnic belt?
 
Mind you, when Doctor Carter stepped up to give evidence a hush descended over the courtroom… Oooh he’s fit as a butcher’s dog that one! I bet he’s got a good bedside manner an’ all – if you know what I flamin’ mean Course you do! You flamin’ know what I mean don’t you loveys? DON’T YOU?!
 
“Oooh Doctor Carter I’ve a pain in me chest… it’s me heart you see lovey, it’s gone all aflutter!”
I don’t know what’s up with me today! Maybe the menopause is doing an encore. I’ll unwind with a bit of poetry!

Clinging to life,
Our poor Sunita.
Consumed by flames; red,
Like the hair of Rita.
I wish it were Carla,
So I could have Peter.

So Sunita might be brain damaged! Well that must have happened a while ago cos that’s the only reason I can find for her shacking up with Karl!
 
It’s looking like they might have to turn Sunita’s machine off… Poor Dev, not only has he got the two most annoying kiddies in the whole of Manchester, he’s gonna have nobody to share looking after ‘em neither!
 
Anyhow, I’m off to the court again for round two of the KirsTy trial! Oh loveys, it’s proper exciting; like an episode of Judge Judy but actually entertaining!
"Agadoo doo doo push pineapple etc..."
Follow Fat Brenda on twitter @fatbrenda
 
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3 comments:

ChiaGwen said...

Wow two 'Horns' so close together...HEAVEN!! Thanks Fat Brenda.....just fabulous, spot on and oh so funny!

Anonymous said...

Thank you, luvvie. Your column makes my week! Thank Cliff for Fat Brenda's Cream Horn!
Bev

Chatty Kathy said...

"They are to justice what Gloria is to being likeable!" Oh, Brenda, I do luv you!

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