"First of all," Phil told me, reclining in a leather chair in his hollowed out volcano hideaway, "There's been a lot of fuss about Andrew Hall's character, Marc. There have been rumours that he is a secret transvestite. Actually, this is all a simple misunderstanding. The truth is that Marc has an identical twin sister, and the press have been confused by shots of Andrew Hall dressed as Moira. It turns out that Marc and Moira are caring for their elderly mother - hilariously played by Wendy Craig. We've got The Mill back in to handle the split screen special effects, and I'm sure you'll agree it will be worth the wait. Especially when Nick Tilsley claps his eyes on the gorgeous Moira, and complications ensue!
"Marcus, meanwhile, is returning to the Street to ask Sean a big favour - to be his best man! Yes, Marcus is getting married, and his lovely fiance will be played by supermodel Sophie Dahl. Sean of course is happy to help, but tensions arise when he meets Ms Dahl for the first time. Having already made Marcus renounce his former tendencies, could her red hot heterosexual sex appeal also convert Sean? Things will come to a head when Sean finally gives in to his secret urges and sleeps with the bride-to-be the night before the wedding. Will he still be able to be best man, or will he fight for the woman he loves?"
Phil lights up a cigar, blowing the smoke into a passing kitten's face, and says, "Finally, Sophie and Sian's relationship will reach a climax when Sophie falls from the church roof. In the process she'll bang her head, which, of course, makes her normal again. She realises that the whole lesbian thing was just down to a silly misunderstanding, and immediately sleeps with the entire Weatherfield Rugby Team because she loves being heterosexual so much. Sian is relieved, as she actually met a wonderful man while on holiday with her mum, and immediately flies out to join him. This will lead to hilarious rivalries between Rosie and Sophie, as they battle to be the biggest trollop on the Street!"
"As you can see, all these storylines are highly realistic and will reflect every facet of 21st century Britain. I hate it when people get a hint of a spoiler and misinterpret what's going on. Now if you'll excuse me - I have to go home and sleep with my wife."
Many thanks to Phil for clarifying those details. Let's all look forward to a great few months of telly!
(*) it's not really (**) it's totally made up - just so we don't get into trouble with ITV for this brilliant spoof blog post (Ed.)
