Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Be prepared.  I was delighted when Roy revealed he'd packed a Thermos of tea for his confrontation with Carla.  At least, I assumed he did it specially; now that I think about it isn't it entirely in character for him to have a flask of PG Tips at the ready at all times?  You never know when you're going to need a soothing mug of char.  He seemed pretty horrified to learn he'd nearly burnt Simon to death while sleepwalking.  Cast your mind back a year and Roy was fighting Simon off when he mugged Audrey and getting robbed by the little scrote's gang of thugs; I'd call that karmic retribution personally.  Anyway, it ended up with Roy handing himself into the police; we've now reached the stage where the coppers don't even have to come out and arrest people for crimes they didn't commit - the cast save them the leg work and do it for them.  

You can go off a bloke.  I have been nurturing a not-so-secret crush on Paul ever since he arrived.  I'm not sure what it is about him, but I think about 85% of it can be boiled down to that nose, which is adorable.  However, last night's episode made me reconsider as he declared he didn't like Madonna because though he is gay "I'm not a cliche."  I found myself rolling my eyes.  Paul is one of those gays.  I bet his Grindr profile says "ordinary bloke who happens to be gay" and "masc4masc" and he is very keen to tell you he really likes football and never got bullied at school.  Homosexuality is a broad church, Paul, and you don't have to put one lot down to make yourself feel better; we welcome all sorts here.  Also, not liking Madonna is just plain wrong.  You're denying yourself thirty years of absolute top notch pop music.  You need to buy yourself The Immaculate Collection and educate yourself in how ace she is before Sally's Night of 1000 Madonnas party - if that's still on after Kevin robbed the money for a conveniently phone-free holiday.  I hope it is, because I really want to see the outfits.  With any luck it'll be better than the Madonna episode of RuPaul's Drag Race where everyone turned up in a kimono.  Though wouldn't you love to see Beth wearing Valentina's Sex-era inspired outfit?

RuPaul's Drag Race!  That's another Good Thing you're missing out on, Paul.  It's so much more fun than Top Gear.

Food innovation should be encouraged.  Mary turned up at the garage with a huge pile of sandwiches for Tyrone, announcing that it wasn't his lunch, but was instead his "brinner" - a mid-morning meal between breakfast and dinner.  As a hungry lad I am very pro this new mealtime, and would suggest further meals at "dinea" (dinner and tea) and "teaper" (tea and supper).  Get it right and you can be chomping on grub 24/7.  Of course they'll have to take the roof off to winch your bloated corpse out of the house with a crane but you'll die happy.

It's too little, too late.  There's no point threatening to perform a vasectomy on Tyler now, Tracy; the damage has been done.  It did seem to knock him straight though, as by the end of the week he was working hard in the Bistro, having serious and thoughtful chats with Amy and looking all puppy dog lost.

Bad boys in the Street never last long (remember when Gary was a thuggish scally rather than the clean cut family man he is today?) but that may be the quickest clean up act in history.  Perhaps we should get Tracy in the probation system delivering short sharp shocks to young offenders.

If you want a job done right, do it yourself.  Kate spent most of the week whining because Rana had invited everyone on their list to the wedding.  Apparently they had an "A" and a "B" list of guests, and I found myself wondering how Kate has that many friends in the first place, because she is incredibly dull.  The invites got previously unmentioned school pal Lolly out of the woodwork, burbling away like a one-off character who really wants to do a Gemma and be made permanent.  Lolly invited herself to the wedding, and also demanded to be put at a table full of eligible men; you do know this is a lesbian wedding, don't you Lol?  Kate, of course, sulked the whole time and complained that Rana had completely overstepped the mark and should sort it out.  Tell you what, if you want only the absolute top drawer people at your wedding, why not take some responsibility and send out the invites yourself?

Amy has been up the duff for ages now and we've still had no reaction from Ken.  Has he been kidnapped?  Is he locked up in the cellar?  Has he gone to wherever Adam went for a lad's holiday?  If you've seen him, please let the author know on Twitter @merseytart.

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