Saturday, 20 October 2018

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week


Nicky Tilsley is the worst.  No, I'm not bothered about him spending a year away.  I don't care that he let David suffer in prison without so much as a postcard.  I'll shrug at his declaration of love for Leanne despite him clearly having a bit on the side.  The reason Nicky needs to go back to Nottingham is he thanked Gail for her homemade scones and pronounced "scone" to rhyme with "bone".  Absolutely disgusting behaviour.  Scone rhymes with gone, and anyone who pronounces it any other way is a revolting animal who should be drummed out of polite society.


Weatherfield Police needs to consider its budget priorities.  DS MacKinnon continued her investigation into... to be honest, I'm not really sure any more.  Apparently she's suspicious of an accidental overdose, and also Ryan's failure to phone an ambulance for three minutes, and also Michelle's car breaking down even though she was the one being chased so it doesn't really matter?  It's all very important that she hang around Victoria Court barking questions at everyone who walks in anyway.  It's also, apparently, far more important to the police than Hannah and Jim stealing £10,000, even though (a) that's definitely a crime while all this business with the Connors is more or less a hunch (b) Liz was able to tell them who did it, how and what bank account she put the money in and (c) Jim has only been out of prison about three weeks so he's presumably on licence and could be packed off back to prison without any bother.  Perhaps they can't afford to investigate because DS Stroppy Knickers has signed up the entire force to investigate the Connors.  On Monday her assistant was that chap above, wearing a hat two sizes too big for his head.


The week before last she had this constable helping her out, though in fairness he was probably too busy running the anti-terrorism squad in Bodyguard to commit to a lengthy enquiry.


Then on Friday she had a silver fox taking down her particulars.  There must be an incident room at Weatherfield Police the size of Canary Wharf staffed by a cast of thousands all looking into exactly how close Ali was to that fence post when Ronan died.  Meanwhile there's poor little old ladies who've just been mugged being told to suck it up because there are no officers available.


Michelle's moral compass is awry.  Meanwhile, let's return to Exalted Queen of the Universe, the sole bright spot round which the rest of the galaxy shines, Ms Michelle Connor, and her strange decision making process on what is and isn't murderous behaviour.  Ali told her he'd helped Ronan to die and she said she'd have to tell the police; she absolutely couldn't lie about the circumstances of a man's death, no matter how unpleasant he was and how much he deserved it.  Finally, after much sobbing and angst, she did lie to the police, not feeling good about any of it.  It's all a remarkable change from her position back in June, when Anna stabbed Phelan in the back and Michelle immediately told him she would happily lie that it was self-defence, because he was a deeply unpleasant person and he deserved it.  I suppose in Anna's case, it was the woman who'd served her bacon butties for years, whereas here it was only her own flesh and blood.  Still, that's Michelle: she may make wildly unpredictable decisions and arbitrarily punish relatives (this week she hated Ali for helping Leanne over Ryan, then changed her mind and decided to not visit Ryan because Ali was more important) but we must never forget that she is never, ever wrong.  Michelle is the sun and we are merely basking in her light.


The Weatherfield Gazette is a smut rag.  Local journalism is in trouble, with small town newspapers closing across the country.  It's understandable that they look to other sources to get the readers in.  The Gazette, however, seems to have taken the lowest possible road, and is publishing Ken's lurid tales - presumably a Page 3 stunner isn't far behind.  It shows how desperate Barlow senior is to get in print; stuff the social realism, toss off a bonkfest where a couple of bitchy crimpers rip off their blouses and commit filthy acts week to week.  You'd never get that sort of racy content in RiversideAlso Ken, don't force your son to read your masturbatory fantasies.  Daniel was so shocked when he glanced over the text he just kept saying "boobs" over and over in a tremulous voice, his eyes boggling and his stomach lurching.  Isn't he disturbed enough already?


Evelyn is all of us.  Maureen Lipman continued to make her mark, this week querying why there were people in the kebab shop at nine in the morning.  Prima Doner does have the weirdest opening hours of any of the Street's businesses; it seems to be fully staffed from first thing in the morning, as though there's anyone who fancies a kebab for their elevenses, then closes before the Rovers, despite the absolute best time to eat a lamb kofte being after a skinful.  No wonder it never makes any money.  I hope this doesn't signal Evelyn's presence as a fourth wall breaking character who just goes round pointing out the show's absurdities.  Firstly, saying things like "how many bedrooms does number 4 have?" and "if you're so hard up why are you spending every night in the pub?" would destroy Corrie's verisimilitude.  Secondly, it'd put me out of a job.

Have Jude and Angie split up or what?  They live in the same house, but she's going on dates and getting called "Big Butt Ange", which makes it sound like she's sending her nudes to all and sundry.  Help me work it out on Twitter @merseytart.  And also send me your nudes.






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9 comments:

popcorn said...

OMG, I love this weekly commentary - the best since Fat Brenda. Thank you, Scott, for making my week! And yes, it is "scone" to rhyme with "gone".

David said...

Correct me if I'm wrong but has Liz actually called the police?

Anonymous said...

Nick is still the same narcissitic mama's boy who expects a 'hero's welcome upon his return even though he left Leanne without saying goodbye [blaming her to his mother as the reason for his leaving]and is surprised that David isn't happy to see him not because he never kept in touch all this time but perhaps David still holds a grudge for his brother sleeping with his wife and the fact Nick couldn't be bothered to attend Kylie's funeral?

Abercrombie said...

Love it, love it, love it, Scott. So funny!

Sharon boothroyd said...

Fab! Keep it up!

Ancient corrier said...

It's a scone (bone) till its eaten
And then it's scone (gone)

joanne taylor said...

I dont know why its not renamed ' Connornation Street' to honour the queen of the universe and her expanding family.

maggie muggins said...

I can't pick out which part is funnier than the rest, Scott! I honestly wish you could be a writer at Corrie!

Anonymous said...

On the subject of scones, it's most definitely JAM FIRST!

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