Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Sunday 28 August 2011

Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

I’ve been counseling that Marc all flamin’ weekend after Audrey gave him the brush off for turning up in The Rovers dressed as Marcia. I’ve been trying to help him, honest I have, but I can’t flamin’ understand what the flamin’ hell he’s flamin’ on about!
“Shbrenda, shy shlove Shaudrey shand shy shusht shwanted shoo shprove shoo sher shat Shmarshia shwash shuthing shoo shbe shshamed shof,” he said.
“If yer that upset Marc love then why are you smiling so much?” I asked.
“Shy shan’t shelp sh'it,” he shaid (flamin’ hell, I’m at it now), “sh'it’s shust shmy shmouth, sh'it shalwaysh shlooksh shlike shish”.
“Well lovey,” I told him, “I would never ridicule anyone for not being able to talk proper cos it’s a really cheap way of getting laughs and I’m not that kind of lass, so if you don’t mind I’d like you to shod off now while I get some flamin’ work done!”
Chesney and Katy have been for their scan and I can confirm everything is ok. Owen went with ‘em cos he was concerned about the pregnancy due to a potential genetic condition that can cause complications during the foetal development but Katy has vowed to love it no matter what. And besides, they said it’s impossible to tell if it’s gonna be a ginger anyway!
Owen has now bought Anna’s AND EDDIE’S house so he can now go round and stamp Anna’s rent book whenever he likes. He’s so nice that Owen and he’s not to be confused with that other Owen that din’t pay tax and intimidated folk and broke into Eileen’s house and got Jim McDonald done over. It’s a TOTALLY DIFFERENT OWEN, OK?! As me friend Bernice would say, “deal with it girlfriend!”
I'll tell you summat else, is it me or is Anna turning into a flamin' agony aunt? We've already got Rita the flame-haired Yoda wandering round the cobbles dishing out advice and now we've got Anna doing the flamin' same! "Being an adult dun't mean shutting everyone else out..." Flamin' hell, it's like Claire Raynor reborn!
Becky has again proved her critics wrong – including them at social services – by behaving really rationally and not being at all obsessive about other folk’s children. Poor Hayley has had to wear that 'I feel so sorry for you Becky' expression all week - it must really hurt, having to pull that face all day. “Oh love, I know, I know you’d be a brilliant mother, like you were when you were out getting leathered and looting and fighting folk. Oh love, I know yer a good person really. Oh love I know you had a ciggie at the meeting to decide whether yer eligible to adopt after telling everyone you’d given up. Oh love I know you robbed from yer friends at the factory and framed Kelly Crabtree whose boyfriend (Lloyd) you then tried to sleep with. Oh love, I know, I know, yer lovely really…”
Sylvia held Norris hostage in the loo and Mary who obviously forgot her own kidnap attempt on Norris wouldn’t shut up about it! Sylvia might have locked our Norris in’t bog but at least she din’t do it in the middle of flamin’ nowhere!
Fiz has decided to take her life into her hands by grassing up the drug supplier in’t nick! Is she flamin’ mad? She can hide a body and steal money from a dead woman but wave some white flamin’ powder under her nose and all of a sudden she’s like Wonder Woman - fighting crime! That poor baby, if anyone harms her I’ll go in there meself and give someone a thick ear – I’m not that fussed about Fiz though, to be honest, she’s been like a wet weekend in Blackpool for the past couple of years!
That Tina puts it about dun’t she? She’s had David, kissed Nick, been out with Jason, Graeme and now that lovely Doctor Carter who, incidentally, still hasn’t investigated me nethers. I must’ve dropped me tights half a dozen times in that surgery and he still hasn’t had a poke around! He keeps trying to refer me to a specialist and I tell him, “it dun’t need a specialist lovey, it just needs some special attention!” He’s banned me from going in now!
Right, I‘m going. Always remember loveys, life is like a drowning man: desperate, flailing and doomed, so light up a Dunhill and enjoy yer day! x

Tweeter here if you like.


Sea Penguin said...

It's a shame for that Mark - maybe he's had to have his jaw wired shut for medical reasons? I'm only wondering.

Fat Brenda said...

more like his wallet wired shut, have you seen the price of them clothes Marcia wears? I saw that skirt for £2 in Peacocks!

Sea Penguin said...

I have noticed - she better not stand near any naked flames/unguarded electric fires. One puff of wind and she'd be up like a roman candle!

Adam Rekitt said...

Marc told me to tell you that he's sho shorry. (He said that to Audrey loads too). He's a lot cheerier, because he treated himself to a whole new outfit from Poundland.

ChiaGwen said...

What a great way to start the work day.....reading your blog Fat Brenda! Now I just have to get off the floor after all the laughter, dust the dirt off my clothes and I'm back on track.....until lunch when I will re-read it again. Thanks FB!!

Glenda Young said...


Anonymous said...

Absolutely loved the round table with Gail, Rita, Mary and Sally after Aud and Marcia was hilarious. How they kept a straight face while filming those scenes is beyond me.


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