Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

Someone needs to tell Carla that it isn’t part of the job description to get romantically involved with her business partner! I mean, Paul you can excuse cos she was married to him before he owned it but we’ve had Liam, Tony and now Frank! Nick only got away with it cos he was too busy trying to get Leanne back into his single bed (at his mum’s house).

Poor Frank was apparently devastated when he ‘did a Dev’ and went down on one knee to be shown up and rejected in front of everyone. I can’t imagine why she turned him down after dating for only three flamin’ weeks and being told that he assaulted Maria! She dun’t half pick ‘em that Carla!

And what about Chris having a brain tumour! I was most surprised by the fact he had a brain for a tumour to develop on but then what do I know?

Lloyd is a kind and caring fella though cos not only did he let me finish early for me Zumba class with Bernice, he’s also let Chris stay at his house so he can feel like a gooseberry in his own Ikea decorated home! It must be hard for Lloyd when the folk living in his house are as bland as the decor!

Maria seems to have turned back into the deranged lass we last saw painting MURDERER on the factory after Liam died. She’s devastated about Chris leaving her and she’s not the only one, apparently Ozzy the dog and baby Liam are really missing Chris an’ all. Baby Liam even brought Chris’s trainers into the living room in his mouth – or was it Ozzy? I can’t flamin’ remember, they both dribble and go missing for months without anyone noticing!

The biggest thing to have happened round these parts is the reduction in portion sizes at Roy’s Rolls! I’ve set up a petition to reintroduce three rashers of bacon to the all-day breakfast but that Sylvia ripped it up right in font of me – granted, it did only have two signatures on it and they were both mine but I was still upset!

"Once upon a time, loveys, there was a small cobbled street and in that street lived a princess called Brenda. She was very very attractive - I mean REALLY attractive - and turned the fella’s heads whenever she walked by in her velour tracksuit and flip-flops. She spent most of her time locked up in a cab office, held prisoner by two evil wizards – Lloyd and Steve.

One day a handsome prince called Karl began working at the same place and he proper took a shine to Brenda and she talked to him about Slimming World and Dunhill and the reasons why she hates Kerry Katona and Eileen Grimshaw and he told her all about the mobile disco (Munro’s Mobile Disco) he ran in the eighties and his world record Agadoo attempt. But Karl was under the spell of an evil witch called Stella who ran the local inn and frightened folk with her shoulder pads and bad roots.

One day Brenda’s fairy godmother, Bernice, took her to Zumba where the power of Latino rhythms transformed her into a continental minded lass with confidence and poise. Brenda danced into the cab office a transformed woman that night, with a jar of Ragu in one hand and a baton of Freshco garlic bread in the other. Brenda swept Karl up in her arms. She looked into his 'come to bed' eyes and he ran off and told Brenda never to do owt like that again. And why? Because there’s no such thing as happy flamin' endings in Weatherfield loveys, just PAIN AND SUFFERING... and I threw me back out picking him up so I'll not be going back to Zumba for a while either."

Bye loveys!

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