Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  Tyrone's had a hell of a week.  His stepdaughter turned out to be Satan.  His grandmother was almost packed off to an old people's home.  His girlfriend ran off to have someone else's baby.  It's understandable that he dashed to Dev's to buy something to cheer himself up.  Why it was a whole bag of lemons is less clear.  Does he have a sudden need for a syllabub?  Could he only be cheered by some candied peel?  It shows how men have evolved in the decades the show has been on the air; I'm sure Stan Ogden wouldn't have reacted to an avalanche of bad news with "I need to drown my sorrows - time to make a sorbet!"

There are always new depths in old characters.  Dev Alahan has been in the show for nineteen years but the writers are still uncovering hidden facets in his character.  This week Steve's best friend (if Peter and Eileen aren't listening, and while Craig Charles is making new Red Dwarf) revealed the lengths he'll go to to win the pub quiz, inhaling an equestrian magazine and demanding customers grill him on Harvey Smith's jumping form in an attempt to ace the Monday night game.  (Incidentally, full marks to the show for persisting with the quiz night as a regular feature - it's the kind of thing a backstreet boozer would do, it's a great source of comedy, and it throws characters together in unusual and interesting combinations; last week Dev was on the same team as Roy and Adam).  He also disapproved of Amy's "crush" on Aadi - probably thinking back to his own dalliances with her mother and her grandmother.

 
Sorry, but it's legally required to put that photo in any article mentioning the time he bedded Deirdre.

Finally we learned that Dev is a devil for devilled kidneys, though he's also easily put off.  Daniel served them up, noted that kidneys smell "faintly of wee", and that was it for our favourite shopkeeper.  He was out the door with a disgusted sneer, leaving his snack untouched.

We salute you, Devendra, and your... UNUSUAL... way of... talking.  May you bless our screens for decades to come.

Prepare for an unnatural disaster.  The island of Tenerife is formed around a high volcano, Mount Teide, which hasn't erupted since 1909.  Some scientists believe it is on the cusp of exploding, creating a huge cataclysm which will destroy the island and triggering a tsunami which will race across the Atlantic and destroy the East Coast of the USA.  However, if the island is wiped out over the festive season, it's probably more the fault of Eileen, Liz and Sean hitting the strip in the Playa de las Americas and causing general havoc.  Can you imagine?  The three of them, overloaded with easy cash, knocking back fishbowl cocktails and sexually harassing passing twenty-somethings. Liz falling out of her top and Eileen with a bit of KFC dangling from her hair.  Vomiting behind the bins of a superclub then larging it till dawn to a Europop mix of Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime.  It could help with the Brexit negotiations, though; once Spain has assessed the damage caused to their male population by the threesome they'll do anything to get rid of the UK.

Raise your glasses to Billy Sleazeballs. Every now and then an actor shows up in Corrie and immediately makes an impression with their charisma and star power.  Billy had it; so did Nicola; and now we've got Imran.  Charlie de Melo has been an absolute joy since he first arrived, deftly juggling comedy and drama and radiating sheer presence in every appearance.  No wonder the Battersby sisters fell for him so quickly.  It's hard to believe that this time last year, Toyah was trying to have a baby with Peter Barlow in the Rovers - that seems like such a weird and unlikely storyline now.  Seeing her flirting with Imran, both of them smart and funny and sexy, is far more appropriate.  It was also great to see him tear into Kate for her ludicrous idea of simply surprising Rana with a pregnancy, though it would have been better if he ran off to his sister and told her the whole thing.  Enjoy him while you can - I can't help feeling Charlie is going to be besieged with offers for other shows before long and will exit stage left.  (And I somehow managed to get through that whole fawning piece without mentioning he is hotter than the sun.  Well done me.).

When you don't believe something, you'll believe anything.  Sinead's quest to find some way of curing cancer that didn't involve actual medicine continued this week as she turned to the power of prayer.  I would've given good money for God to have heard her words, parted the heavens and shouted, "I have found a way for this illness to leave your body... it's called CHEMOTHERAPY, you daft mare."  She finally abandoned her broccoli and turmeric cure when Steff collapsed because, guess what, it turns out vegetables and acupuncture aren't a valid alternative to carefully targeted medicine and scientific research.  Sinead ran into the hospital and begged for treatment; if I'd have been Dr Ferreira from EastEnders I'd have been all "well, well, well, look who's suddenly stopped being too good for chemo" and made her beg, and that is why I am not a doctor.  I was glad at least that Billy immediately broke her confidence and pegged it round to Daniel's to tell him everything.  Partly because I enjoy it when former real-life lovers are forced to act alongside one another onscreen and I get to play "hunt the awkwardness", partly because I really couldn't face a backstreet remake of I, Confess dragging on for the next month or two.  I'm also pleased that the show has swiftly demonstrated that a homeopathic cure for cancer is not a thing, before any viewers suffering in a similar way start getting ideas.  Listen to your doctors, folks.

This week Underworld nearly went under again because they almost missed a single order.  If you could explain to the author why everyone is so keen to invest in this business despite it constantly being on the verge of collapse, please tell him on Twitter @merseytart.
  

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