For many years, our household recounted, in moments of mind-numbing boredom, a particular dinner served up by Rita 'th'wholesalers' Fairclough, as she was then. There were gasps abounding as the latterday cabaret chanteuse shimmied into view with a plate of dry food. Anaemic mashed potatoes, a gristly chop, bullet-like processed peas . . . AND NO GRAVY. No wonder Len went and crashed his van at high speed. A dry dinner? Bad, bad Rita!
Jackson's
chippy, Prima Doner, Wong's chippy, Leanne's cheerless Italian restaurant - they
have all provided comfort and, probably, botulism for the fair folk of
Weatherfield. You can understand why eating out is so popular given Deirdre's
recipe for success. No, I'm not speaking of her legendary smoked ham. In
fairness it's not smoked when she takes it out of the packet but after
Deirdre's exhaled on it. The stuffed marrow is now legend, flabby,
over-cooked riot of dullness. She presumably missed all three series of The Great
British Bake Off, judging by that Victoria sponge she man-handled on
to the dining table a few weeks ago. It looked denser than a jam-filled black
hole. I’m surprised that half of Weatherfield wasn’t sucked into its leaden,
grey core.
Deirdre’s
outstanding culinary moment though came back in January 2011 when she provided
numpty Ciaran with his tea - chicken pie with peas and ready salted crisps. I
kid you not! Deirdre - a woman so idle that she couldn’t even be bothered to
peel a potato. We salute you Deirdre Barlow, domestic goddess of Weatherfield!
Personally, I think loveable, psychotic Mary should host a 'Soap Opera Food' themed night at Roy's Rolls. Guests are welcomed with either a pint of weak shandy, a small ginger beer masquerading as whisky or a 'Deirdre' of red wine. They then sit down to a grey-ish plate of animal fats which they push around without ever actually finishing. After a slab of ash-laden Victoria sponge, the guests are served with a pretend cup of coffee, poured into remnants of Ivy Tilsley's hideous chunky brown dinner service, circa 1979.
Sick bags all round?
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8 comments:
A bit off topic, but I'd really hoped the rumour about Brian and Julie's greengrocers would prove true. Potential comedic conflict with the traditional tastes of Corrie residents. With all the issues that the show likes to promote, you'd think healthy eating (even by one resident) would be one of them. As for Mary, I'm looking forward to her menu of disgusting dishes made from animal parts which she learnt to cook on her travels.
I love all these comedy posts - very funny. If there's one thing that really annoys me its folk pretending to drink tea or coffee from empty cups. It's so obvious, especially when its piping hot and they take a sip straight away.
Great post - but sadly, you seem to have forgotten about Eddie's fabulous cakes, covered with fag-ash though they were.
Actually I saw liquid, that was quite possibly tea or coffee, in Lloyd's cup at the cab office not that long ago, when he was having a cuppa with Eileen. I look for these things from time to time, along with believable breath on the air in snow scenes......can't help myself ;-p
wonderful! I'm actually enjoying Mary's theme nights, it's taking her back to the Mary she was at the beginning. Lots of great lines, though yes she's still bullying people esp. poor Norris the other night :)
Be fair - I do remember Gail once getting a salad roll for her lunch, explaining, "It's 'elthy."
She had a thicker accent in those days, though like Annie Walker's, it came and went.
And Mavis once made Len Fairclough a pineapple salad (she was looking after him for Rita, when Rita was away for a couple of days). Len predictably hit the roof about being served "rabbit food" and demanded the customary stodge.
I recall a particularly gruesome meal by Vera to Jack as revenge-pigeon pie made from one of his beloved.
It wasn't actually made from one of Jack's pigeons, Vera just let him think it was.
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