Fat Brenda's Valentine Horn

Well loveys, it's nearly the fourteenth of February, that special day when you hear the thud of an envelope on the mat and dash downstairs in yer flammable nightie to find a gas bill...and what's that? A card! A flamin' card! A card... that's been delivered to the wrong address. But you don't care, you open it anyway and display it on yer mantlepiece so you feel better about yerself...or is that just me? Oh... just me then.

Here's a good 'un for you all. You own yer own marketing business with a bevy of girls at yer disposal, you drive a nice car, yer not bad looking and you've even got a snooty receptionist - you've made it! There's just something missing though isn't there loveys? But what can it be? What on earth can you possibly have to make yer life just absolutely wonderfully flamin' perfect? Sally Webster! It all makes sense now dunnit, yer missing a forty plus soon to be divorcee with more baggage than Victoria Beckham going on a mini-break! Now am I just cynical or is Jeff (Alfie) a bit suspicious? You mark my words loveys, there's summat up there!

This week has been a bad 'un for Gail (belting!), Nick's been in a right mood and it's the anniversary of Joe's death. I wanted to make her feel better and tried to remind her of the good times she had with Joe by hammering on her door and demanding she pay back a load of money in the style of a loan shark! Did she thank me? Did she flamin' hell! Always a bee in her bonnet about summat that one!

Have you ever walked into work and the office you once knew has been transformed into a miniature Ikea? I have loveys and I was not flamin' pleased about it! That Cheryl has painted the whole place in Beige with a hint of bland and removed owt that actually makes the place feel like home! She's taken the term stripper literally and stripped the whole place of any personality which incidentally is summat she hasn't got!

I think the most hurtful thing was the fact that Eddie helped her to do it! I've fallen out with that man. He'd better get me summat nice for Valenitine's day or I'll do to his tea what I did to Eileen's every day! 'I'm only following orders' Eddie said, and do you know loveys in that moment I understood how the flamin' Nazis rose to power; cos of weak soft in the head fellas like him!

Not only has that Cheryl ruined the cab office, she's now threatening to turn our Lloyd into a family man with a mortgage and a conservatory! What is it with them two that makes me uncomfortable loveys? Is it because she's half his age and he's half her size or is it simply because I'm jealous of anyone who is lucky in love? I can't answer that actually... leave yer comments below and help me understand meself!

I did have one bit of good fortune though. I was walking past Peter Barlow's flat when all of a sudden it was as if God answered me prayers and turned water into wine, cos spilling from his drains was a very cheeky little red wine - Carmenere I think loveys! Needless to say I squatted down on all fours and I guzzled at that gutter until I was absolutely leathered! Belting!

Talking of Peter, he's looks like a man that lost a pie and found a chip! If what Carla told me about Leanne and Nick s true then he looks like a fella that's discovered the truth. Not good! For the first time in me life loveys, I'm glad I've not been invited to summat!

Sorry about the picture, I typed in 'heart' on me lapse-tops when I was on the into-net and it was a a fella having a heart attack! He's not bad looking actually... I wonder if he's still alive?

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