Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

CLIFFHANGER!  The never ending onslaught of episodes these days means we get a constant barrage of cliffhanger endings to get you tune in next time.  Six times a week - twelve if you include the ones before the adverts - the Corrie producers hit us with a shocking surprise to get us back for more.  It gets a bit much sometimes, with the show feeling a bit Perils of Pauline at times with a relentless parade of exclamation-mark-worthy moments.  I sort of miss the old days when an episode of Corrie might end with Fred Gee pulling a face down the camera like a constipated bullfrog because Annie Walker didn't like him coming down to breakfast in his vest and that was your lot.  This week though we got a cliffhanger worthy of the name, as the camera zoomed in on Yasmeen's anguished face as she heard the sound of Geoff being an absolute pig in her ear and was asked: "How do you plead?"  CUT TO CREDITS.

Obviously if you think about it for more than twelve seconds there was going to be no other resolution than Yasmeen saying "not guilty" because if she'd said "guilty" that would've been the end of the storyline, wouldn't it?  The show did manage to convince us that her change of heart was earned though, as the latter half of Monday's episode was a virtual two-hander between Yasmeen and Alya with each side putting their case forward.  It was great stuff, well-written and emotional (particularly gutwrenching was Yasmeen asking Alya why she was crying, only to get the reply "because you're not").  It's hard to believe they were willing to waste this edge-of-your-seat drama on the climax to a 7:30 episode until coronavirus changed the schedules - ITV must've been afraid it was a particularly interesting repeat of Would I Lie To You at 8:30 and you might not come back after EastEnders.

The best bit of the cliffhanger's resolution was Surprise!Paula, as our favourite bisexual barrister appeared out of nowhere to admit she had no idea what Yasmeen's plea was going to be.  She wasn't in the first episode at all; I presume this is because ITV didn't want to pay Stirling Gallacher for two appearances, but I wonder what the in-universe explanation for her sudden appearance was?  Could she not find somewhere to park?  Had her pen rolled under the desk and she'd spent five minutes scrabbling around on the floor for it?  Actually, given what happened the last time she represented a wrongly-accused lady from Coronation Street, maybe she was up in the public gallery trying to put the moves on Alya, and only came down to the courtroom once Ryan politely explained they weren't interested in a threesome.

Believe your instincts.  Elsewhere in the Street, the residents seem to most definitely be coming down on the side of Team Yasmeen as they all admitted they didn't particularly like Geoff.  The conscience wrestling was so bad Sally couldn't concentrate on her tacky thriller and held it upside down.  Or at least that's what it appeared; maybe she'd slipped the dust jacket on something far racier, and under that misapplied cover was a saucy bit of erotica.  She continued to pull Faces of Doubt throughout the week, finally kicking Geoff out to, erm, next door, despite Tim's protestations that it was "his house too".  Actually, Tim, I think you'll find it's Sally's name on the deeds, and since you're not married any more you should be glad she's not sent you out with him.

Eileen also expressed doubt about Geoff's innocence because of that time he locked Yasmeen in a box.  Can I say that one of the few rays of light in this whole depressing storyline is the way the actors have to all in all seriousness discuss the time Yasmeen was locked in a magic box?  They'll be straight-facedly chatting about the ins and outs of domestic abuse and then Eileen will pipe up with "and then of course, there was that time he locked her in a box and went to the pub," and it's a welcome dose of surrealism.  (Incidentally can someone please tell Sue Cleaver the character's name is Yasmeen and not Yasmin?)

Get the work where you can.  We all know that the entertainment business is a fragile one, and that performers should accept work when it's offered.  Still, I can't help wondering if even the actors who play Sharon and Lenny the private detective were surprised when they got the invite back to the Corrie set.  "Really?  Is my storyline still ongoing?"  Yes, unfortunately, it is, as we got another week of Gary skulking around a teenage girl, interfering in her life, threatening her mother and generally being the most conspicuous wrong 'un ever.  Honestly, who gives a monkey's?

Even worse, the storyline has somehow managed to drag in Adam Barlow, as he played boy detective all week.  Why he cares, I don't know; he's married to Gary's ex, so he's clearly won that battle, so what does it matter what the Ginger Godfather gets up to now.  It's none of your business.  Adam apparently decided that the best way to get information was to whip off his wedding ring so he could seduce Laura with incredibly milky coffees.  Two things come to mind from this.  Firstly, he's only been married about eight days, so we should really be concerned that he's so mad keen to rip it off.  Secondly, Laura doesn't really strike me as the kind of woman who's bothered whether a man's wearing a ring or not.  She's now moved into a place in Inkerman Street with Kelly, so clearly they're going to be in the show for a long time to come.  "Yay".

You wait forever for a storyline and then two come along at once.  Carla's been at a bit of a loose end for months now, hovering round the back of scenes and making sarcastic comments.  Obviously she's been very good at it, but it's not exactly what we expect from the great Ms Connor.  Someone's clearly noticed this and has decided to give her two plots at the same time, though in fairness, they're both the same one: "mysterious stranger turns up in the Rovers armed with shocking secrets."  One of the mysterious strangers was the B&B guest, Scott (what a terrible name for a character).  He revealed he used to work with Johnny back in the 1970s - presumably only in the evenings, because he must've only been about six and had to attend primary school during the day - and that they were a right pair of Del Boys, making their money with nothing more than a ladder and a van.  I'm guessing they weren't window cleaners.  Once again, I'd like to emphasise that I hope the Covid-19 gap means the actor's contract runs out without us ever finding out what his deal is, because that would be hilarious.

Actually the most upsetting part of this storyline was Carla doing Scott's washing for him.  Do I want to see Carla Connor in marigolds lugging a hamper of filthy sheets around?  No I do not.  I want to see Carla reclining on a banquette with a glass of red and this week's Hello!

The other mysterious stranger was this Scottish woman, who was presumably cast from the Caledonian branch of whichever acting agency they went to last year to get that girl who helped Nick steal all Audrey's money.  Skinny pale and stroppy?  Dark hair in a tight bun?  Lizzie Duke accessories?  Get her in make up and send her out to cause trouble.  I missed the character's name but I'm presuming it wasn't Hermione or Camilla.  She confronted Carla in the ladies' loos and threatened to blow her world apart, because of course she did; these people never turn up and are delighted to see an old pal and want to wish them well.

Lassi is penk.  Yes I had to put the subtitles on to find out exactly what Aadi and Asha were talking about, and no I've still got no real idea.  Apparently lassi is a drink, and nothing to do with a beloved dog, while penk is what the kids use instead of "cool" these days.  Perhaps, like Lethal Bizzle using the term "dench" as a term of adulation in honour of the much-lauded national treasure Dame Judi, "penk" comes from the youth of today having a great deal of affection and respect for 1990s Capital Radio DJ and former host of TV's Naughtiest Blunders Steve Penk.  Obviously Mary knew what "penk" meant, because Mary is very much down with the kids.  Meanwhile I was pulling a face like Dev.  I may not be young.

EDIT: @janeclapton on Twitter pointed out to me that it's actually peng, not penk.  I'm leaving that last thing up because I don't want to deprive Steve Penk of a mention on the internet in 2020.  However, just know that I am even more decrepit than I thought because I couldn't even remember it was peng five minutes after I'd literally read it on screen.

This week we learned that Adam drives a Jag and Imran drives a Merc.  I suppose you can afford that kind of car if you live, respectively, on the floor of your brother-in-law's house and in a flatshare with four other people.  Why not contact me on Twitter @merseytart, fellas, and I can give you some tips on proper budgeting.

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