Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Saturday 25 August 2018

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Violence should come in a velvet glove.  "Thugs pursue Henry for the money he owes" said the previews, and we all rolled our eyes.  This again?  And then the hoods turned up, and they were amazing.  Two upper class twits, played by Jacob Anderton and Matthew Gee, who bickered and berated one another ("stop undermining me!") and who had a sledgehammer called Veronica.  If we're going to have a bit of mindless violence, coat it in absurdity and pink polo shirts.  It was delightfully ridiculous, and I hope they come back to ineffectually threaten residents of the Street for years to come.  Have Simon join their gang instead of those awful boys in shell suits.

Audrey is a secret fan of electronic music.  Mrs Roberts' CD collection was mainly a lot of easy listening - of course she likes Mickey Bubbles - but it still held a couple of surprises: namely the Greatest Hits of the Human League and the first album by the Scissor Sisters.  It's hard to imagine Aud laying back on her sofa with a glass of pinot to listen to Return to Oz - a song about crystal meth abuse in the gay community - but she's a woman of untapped depths.  (It's still easier to believe than the ridiculous moment in Monday's episode where Audrey told Claudia she'd "had enough wine.")  Perhaps when Lewis has finished with his Captain of the Ship dress-up she can put him in a pair of Jake Shears' leather chaps with the backside cut out.

Someone needs to give Emma a proper home immediately.  Poor Emma was shunted out of another residence this week, off to Maria's spare room.  Maria failed to mention that she'd already been served with her notice on that flat so she had about a month's worth of accommodation before she'd have to be on the move again.  We cannot lose Emma from the Street because she is wonderful.  This week alone she called Claudia "posh and bouffy" and compared her to Camilla Parker-Bowles, revealed her culinary speciality is cheese grated onto Super Noodles, and said a glammed-up Gina looked like RuPaul.  She is a treasure and must be protected at all costs - if that means sending Sean back under the railway viaduct so she can get her room above the florist's back (even though Summer apparently "snores like a horse") then so be it.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  At the start of last week it looked like all change at the Rovers as Jenny rejected the only five customers in the place - "barfly Derek, the Platt fishwives and Weirdo and Son of Weirdo."  She suggested a makeover based on her Pinterest board of ideas, which I would certainly like to see.  Some of the more radical proposals - Roverz and truffle lasagne - wouldn't have gone down well; imagine Ken Barlow's face if he'd had to sit in a pod to drink his half.  Fortunately sense prevailed and they made absolutely no changes at all - not even to that antiquated till system, or the jukebox that's about four hundred years old and is probably stocked with Sinitta and the Blow Monkeys.  It's remarkable how quickly Jenny and Johnny have taken to the Rovers; it already feels like they've been behind the bar for years.  Mind you, given there are now Connors running the Rovers, the factory and the bistro, perhaps we should call in the Competition Commission before Ryan launches a hostile takeover on Roy's Rolls and the residents are trapped under their commercial thumb forever.

The Valley of the Stars sounds incredible.  Channel 5 is currently on a high with its BAFTA-winning series Cruising with Jane McDonald, where the Northern chanteuse larks about on boats in exotic locations before belting out a pop classic in her distinctive style.  If they had any sense they'd also commission Cruising with Audrey Roberts, where we could watch her have a private meal with ABBA while sailing up a Norwegian fjord.  Ok, it's all in her head right now, but that's why they need to break out the chequebooks and bring that fantasy to life.  I'd pay good money to see Sue Nicholls belting out Chiquitita on a poop deck with Benny and Bjorn; it'd be like Cher at the end of Mamma Mia 2, only somehow more camp.  

If you'd like to participate in a Jude-themed word association game, contact the author on Twitter @merseytart.  Warning: it'll probably get post-watershed very fast.

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1 comment:

Derelict Cucumberpatch said...

Hated every single scene Henry was in. He (the actor) can't act to save his life.


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