Saturday, 4 August 2018

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week


Sexual harassment is BACK.  In this post-Trump, post-Brexit world, the tyranny of political correctness has been destroyed, and we can go back to the good old days of waving golliwogs about and refusing to rent flats to gays.  Mr Hanlon up there is at the vanguard of this brave new movement, taking his time to stare at Sarah-Lou's backside and fondle himself while licking his lips.  He described Alya and Sarah-Lou as a pair of "nubile smashers", a phrase I'm pretty sure hasn't been broadcast on ITV since On The Buses was axed.  Gina called him a "perv on wheels", but that's clearly because she can't handle his frankness and ability to speak his mind.  Hurrah for the truth tellers!


A love of God and a love of fashion are not mutually exclusive.  I am ever-so-slightly obsessed with Billy's range of  vicar wear, as he combines his desire to share the gospels with a keen sense of style.  None of your dull black cassocks for him; instead he models a range of fetching polka dot shirts that I find myself coveting (in clear violation of the tenth commandment).  How come SoapStyle are always providing links for Eva's floral dresses and Leanne's jackets and never where I can buy a navy top with detachable dog collar?  Unless it's only available to the clergy, in which case, get me to a seminary.  It should also be noted that the shirts are excellent at showing off Billy's very good arms; just because you're a Christian brother, doesn't mean you can't flash those guns.


Get in loser, they're going shopping.  Watching the interactions between Tracy, Abi and Beth, it was hard not to see them as Corrie's own version of the Mean Girls. Queen Bee Tracy is clearly the Regina George, watching Abi's Gretchen Wieners and Beth's Karen Smith dance for her attention.  At the moment Abi is winning the battle, managing to tempt her to her first rave since that one where she took a dodgy ecstasy tablet and ended up in a coma.  (Stick to the alcopops this time Tracy; we haven't got any Moroccans handy to give you another kidney).  Beth could still make a comeback though: she's been flattering the Barlow ego for far longer than Abi, and isn't quite as volatile.  The rest of us just need to stand back and hope that this triple-headed monster doesn't add a fourth member and effectively become the Horsewomen of the Apocalypse.


Every man wants to be a macho macho man.  Has someone been slipping testosterone into Daniel Barlow's tonic water?  He was uncharacteristically masculine and dominant this week, first running around shirtless and trying to tempt Sinead into "rudeys", then bellowing at Alya on his fiance's behalf and dragging her out of the factory.  I was surprised he didn't clonk her with his club and throw her over his shoulder.  On top of that, he's gone and got her pregnant; normally I'd complain about the young people of the Street not knowing how to use contraceptives, but based on his ultra-butch behaviour Daniel's sperm may have simply punched their way through the top of the condom.  I don't like it - I much prefer the sensitive poet Daniel who spends his evenings reading Goethe.  What next?  Belching during Top Gear?  Loudly supporting Weatherfield County?  Inappropriately scratching himself in public?  We already have Adam swaggering around the cobbles; we don't need any more Alphas manspreading in the Rovers.


Never set off a Sex Bomb in a pub.  A karaoke night fuelled by "Uber Dubers" (ingredients: equal parts Dubonnet, orange juice, and Domestos) quickly descended into brawling as Mary and Gina grappled over who got to be Tom Jones.  This lead to Gemma hurling herself over the bar with an athleticism Jessica Ennis would've been proud of; she can barely see over the pumps, so I'm not sure where she got the spring from.  Annie Walker never brought gobby patrons into line by yanking their heads back by the pony tail, which I'm sure you'll agree is a loss for all of us.  It doesn't look like Gemma's going to end up as landlady, what with Henry whispering in the ginnel with his fiance, but it seems she'll do a bang up job as a barmaid.  At the very least it'll get her away from boring old Chesney.

If @merseytart had spent a week with Stella being sympathetic and caring, he'd have probably decided to stay in Weatherfield too.



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3 comments:

Cobblestone said...

I don’t think that was Henry’s fiancée in the ginnel. I’m sure that’s what we were meant to think, but the finacée’s name is Cressida, while the ginnel-visitor was listed in the credits as Helen. My guess is, she’s Henry's sister, and what he has to tell Gemma is that he’s been cut off from the family money.

Humpty Dumpty said...

I'm sure Cobblestone's right. A fiancée wouldn't be that understanding; she would have stormed into the pub. Also, Peter gave us a clue when he got off his mobile to tell whoever he was talking to that Henry had made an offer on the pub. Peter seemed very dismissive about the offer. Perhaps it was ridiculously low.

Anonymous said...

Chesney and Toyah should get together and win most boring couple ever.

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