Saturday, 7 July 2012

What A Gay Day!

It's World Pride Day, a day when gays take over the streets of That London in the name of equality.  That's the theory, anyway; what usually happens is about four people hold up a placard while behind them 13,000 homos are recreating the last days of Rome while knocking back blue WKDs.  Still, fifty years ago they'd have all been arrested as perverts, so in a way it's progress.

Despite being created by a gay man, and home to some of the campest humanoids ever to grace the screen (I'll just say "Bet Lynch and Raquel get drunk on cocktails" and leave it there), it took until the turn of the millennium before Corrie got a regular gay character.  A long-standing character came out of the closet in 2003; much to everyone's surprise, it wasn't Norris, but was instead that nice Todd at number eleven.


After a failed attempt to snog Adam Rickett, Todd hooked up with a nurse, Karl.  He introduced him to Manchester's Sodom, the glory that is Canal Street.  At that time, the Gay Village was at its height, filled with tiny waisted men in shiny shirts trying to look like Stuart from Queer as Folk.  Nowadays it's a lot less interesting, having been colonised by hen nights who just want a laugh and a drink and who all love The Gays, 'cos they're so funny, aren't they?  Most right thinking homosexuals now avoid it like the plague, leaving only the tattiest of drag queens and the rent boys.

Todd was entranced, and soon became friends with another of Anal Treet's residents, Sean Tully.  When Todd went off to That London Sean swiftly moved into his vacant bedroom, bonding with Eileen Grimshaw over their romantic misadventures and the knowledge that all men are swines.  Eileen's the perfect fag hag; a little overweight, razor sharp, and mucked about by fellas on a regular basis.

Soon Sean was working at the knicker factory, sewing gussets by day and thrilling the girls with saucy chat.  Danny Baldwin nicknamed him "Mincemeat", in direct contravention of the Equal Opportunities Act; he also called Kelly "Legs", leaving us all to be thankful that he never met Izzy.  The politically incorrect nickname would probably have made your toes curl.  Sean also flounced his way behind the bar of the Rovers, resurrecting Bet's nickname of "cock" for the punters; coming from an out gay man it acquired a level of innuendo ranking a solid 8 on the Sid James Scale.

Some gay groups have criticised Sean, saying that his mincing, fake tanned presence sets the cause back to the days of Mr Humphries.  One glance at the men working in Manchester's Harvey Nicks will tell you that Sean is a toned down version of some of the homos in the city.  Instead of criticising him for having more mince than Fred Elliot, they should instead be criticising him for being possibly the most self-centred man in the Street.  And remember, this is a street that also contains Dev.

Sean's commitment to doing whatever Sean wants saw him copping off with Sonny, one of those token bisexuals who turn up in soaps to make things interesting.  At the time Sonny was engaged to Michelle, who was allegedly Sean's friend; loyalty meant nothing to Mr Tully though, and soon they were having a bunk up in a bomb scare.  You'll be surprised to learn that the wedding didn't go ahead.

Despite his many, many flaws, the girls of Corrie seem to love Sean, so much so that The Lovely Violet asked to borrow some of his semen.  Violet was the loveliest character to ever grace the cobbles; she was pretty, funny, intelligent, and worked in a place that served alcohol.  Women like that find it notoriously hard to get boyfriends.  Even though she had in the past ensnared Jason and Jamie, neither of whom would look out of place in an Abercrombie & Fitch layout, Violet decided she was never going to get a decent man who could knock her up.  She turned to her GBF, and soon she was fertilised.  The producers were intentionally vague about the specifics of the conception, as they were aware that some viewers liked to watch the show while they ate their dinners.  A scene involving Sean nipping upstairs with a jam jar and a DVD of Brokeback Mountain was cut and condemned to Granada's Black Museum, never to be seen again.

Once again, Sean's selfishness came to the fore when he flirted with the sonographer at The Lovely Violet's scan.  While she went through the indignities of having her jersey hoisted up and ice cold petroleum jelly smeared all over her, Sean was making doe-eyes and ensuring that Marcus knew that there was no penetration involved in the creation of the foetus.  Marcus, unbelievably, fell for it, and soon the two were a couple.

Violet finally gave birth in one of the booths in the Rovers; in fact, on hot days, you can still detect a whiff of placenta.  By this point she'd hooked up with Jamie, and the two of them realised that bringing up a child is hard enough without a needy homosexual hammering on the door every ten minutes with a new pair of fabulous booties.  They upped sticks and headed south, leaving Sean as a very distant father to little Dylan.  He occasionally goes down to visit, usually when Antony Cotton has to appear on I'm A Celebrity or host another horrific chat show.


Marcus and Sean split up for a while, after Sean tried to cop off with Liam's cousin Tom; yes he was good looking, yes he was a bit camp, but Tom was definitely on the heterosexual bus and he refused to be converted.  A chance encounter with Marcus at Violet's house reignited the flame, and they became a couple again.

Although Charlie Condou is utterly lovely, both physically and personality-wise, Marcus is a bit of a dull old stick.  Only Maria seems to find him fascinating, but that's largely because Maria has the brain of a freshly squeezed dishcloth; she normally spends her evenings with Kirk and a three year old, so she's just glad to be talking to someone who doesn't have mashed swede down their jumper.  Marcus wanted children, which explained why he was willing to be in a relationship with Sean; he spent most of his time following him around, cleaning up his messes after him and acting like the grown up.  This allowed Sean to become even more infantile, until Marcus could stand it no more.  Sean became jealous over Marcus's friendship with Aiden; he viewed him as a threat, even though he had the mouth of a freshly-caught guppy, and that was it; the affair was over.

Now Marcus is living across the street, and Sean is bashing about filled with self-pity.  We've reached the point where the gay couples can be as annoying as the heterosexual ones; that's true equality, if you ask me.

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6 comments:

Flaming Nora said...

thanks for posting this.. wonderful

njblas said...

Brilliant and perceptive writing Scott - always love your articles!

Tvor said...

"mouth of a freshly-caught guppy" mwahahahahahha!!!

Scott you are Da Man!

Humpty Dumpty said...

Very funny and very true.

Jane Markland said...

Very good, but whatever Sean and Marcus get up to in the future (with or without each other) they will never scale the dizzy heights/annoyance barometer of say a Janice and Les Battersby (please bring them back!) or ANY of the Platts, so in my estimation, they have a long, long way to go before equality is even worth considering.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I've just laughed so much at this, a brilliant, witty post - thanks so much.

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