Saturday, 23 March 2019

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week


Over-egging the pudding leaves a nasty taste.  The factory roof disaster had been nicely seeded over a long period of time.  Pat Phelan put the new roof on, and we all knew he was dodgy as hell, so it was no surprise to learn he'd cut corners.  It was discovered by a down-on-his luck Gary and then covered up by Carla, who preyed on his need for employment to keep him quiet.  It was an accident waiting to happen and two middle aged women fighting on top of the roof was a good enough reason for it to collapse.  Why, then, did they chuck in all this whodunnit nonsense?  It's as if they made a perfectly good cake then decided it really needed some Marmite frosting on top.  A storyline about a terrible accident causing havoc and the ramifications of Carla's involvement would've been interesting and compelling without a black suited ninja skulking around on the rooftop and waving a crowbar.  Not everything has to be a crime, Corrie producers.  Plus, if you're going to collapse the factory with the employees inside, it's a bit disappointing when the only person who dies doesn't even work there and everyone else gets away with a few scratches.  Sean was also in that factory.  Just saying.


Beware of Doctor Death.  It's been nearly six months since Ali was suspended from practicing medicine for... well, to be honest, I'm still not sure why.  It was due to that awful mate of Ryan's overdosing in his presence, and even though there was meant to an investigation into it so he could start work again, he's still working as a waiter.  I presume this is due to NHS cutbacks or something.  Perhaps it's for the best as his bedside manner seems to be somewhat lacking.  Last year he murdered a man in his car rather than try to help him, and then, in the factory crash, he gave Rana only the most cursory of glances before concluding she was a goner and everyone should start planning the funeral.  He didn't even bother trying to relieve her pain, just chucked some lilies over her still breathing form and wandered off for a coffee.  Maybe he should stick to serving up Cosmopolitans in the Bistro if that's his idea of care.


Now wash your hands. Their limited financial circumstances meant that Sarah-Lou couldn't buy Gary a birthday present.  Instead she offered to pay him in kind, promising all sorts of filthy antics while they had the house to themselves.  All I could think was: where?  They haven't got a bed of their own.  Either they were going to start rutting on the living room floor, where David could wander in at any minute with a bushel of children, or they'd have to borrow one of the beds in the house.  It's hard to believe you could have any kind of orgasm on a pillow that still smells of Gail's Yardley.  Unless that's Gary's kink - he certainly seemed remarkably flirty with his mother-in-law when they were creeping around the kitchen together.  I'm calling it now; she'll be Gail Windass by the end of the year.


Beth is the best seamstress at Underworld.  Finally we have an explanation for the factory's constant state of financial peril.  If Beth Tinker is the best Carla has, only bothering to stitch knickers when she's finished picking her Weetabix out her teeth and throwing casual insults at her co-workers, then it's no wonder she's so keen to pack everything up and get a machine in Milton Keynes to take up the slack.  The good thing about robots is they don't spend all morning skipping doing any work because they're trying to remember the name of the fifth Nolan sister.


Only death can part them.  By my count there have been seven lesbian residents of Coronation Street in its history: Sophie, Kate, Rana, Jenna, Sian, Maddie and Caz.  Two of those seven have now died in tragic accidents, which isn't the best ratio.  It's hard enough getting gay representation on telly without offing them every couple of years.  Unfortunately, the show had trapped itself in a corner by making #Kana such star crossed lovers.  In most Corrie relationships, if one of the actors in an on-screen partnership decides to leave, they have a row and split up; in this case, the show had invested so much in telling us that Kate and Rana were absolutely destined to be together, the only way to end Bhavna Limbachia's time on the show was to drop a girder on her ribs.  It would perhaps have been better if they'd not got back together after they discovered Rana didn't want kids and Kate didn't.  That was a huge, relationship destroying difference of opinion, a crack in their partnership that would haunt them forever, but it was never resolved - they simply decided they didn't like being apart and pushed it under the carpet so there could be a big romantic New Year's Eve moment of fireworks going off behind their kiss.  It also means that fourteen years after civil partnerships became legal in the UK, Corrie still hasn't had a gay wedding that actually resulted in anyone signing a register.  I'm pretty sure half the cast of Emmerdale has been in a homosexual relationship at some point, so maybe they should think about having some Weatherfield gays live in boring domesticity for a while, yeah?

The author is deeply disappointed to learn from Izzy that fig rolls don't count as a fruit.  This may explain why he's the size of a house.  If you have any dieting tips, please send them to him on Twitter @merseytart.






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7 comments:

Kate said...

Hilarious! Thanks :)

popcorn said...

Wonderful, as usual. Reading "5 Things" is my highlight of the week!

Anonymous said...

This is funny because the only other person I had remembered being called the best seamstress was Janice Battersby! lol

Louby said...

I think the answer to your whodunnit question is that they need a big thing for the BGT final week and the bug reveal might be it. I hope not really because that means stretching this out for two months. Maybe I'm wrong and they will arrange a completely different tragedy for that!

Alexandra said...

I too was left feeling very worried about where Sarah and Gary were planning on getting up to their antics. I unfortunately dedicated more time to considering all the possibilities than I should have.

Anonymous said...

Completely agree about adding the 'whodunnit' factor to the roof collapse. It's unnecessary, but I think the writers/producers hate for Carla to be in the wrong in any way, shape or form. If someone else sabotaged the roof then it allows for Carla's breakdown storyline but also frees her from guilt later on.

perkysmom said...

One error regarding Kana: Kate DID want children, Rana didn't.

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