King Ken of Coronation Street

On today, the fiftieth anniversary, I thought it was about time we turned our attention to the King of Coronation Street, the Titan of the Cobbles - Mr Kenneth Barlow.

What can you say about Ken?  Well, firstly you have to say he's NOT BORING, or he'll sue.  Beyond that, how can you sum up fifty years of Ken without a large brandy?  The man has been there, done that, got the t-shirt, married the t-shirt, slept around behind the t-shirt's back, then watched the t-shirt fall under a bus.

He was first introduced to us as an intellectual student, sneering at his father's use of brown sauce.  Like many a young student, he was an insufferable prig, and if he'd carried on like that for fifty years the Street would have risen up and thrown him under the tram themselves.  Fortunately, two incidents mellowed him.  Firstly, his mum, Ida Barlow, got hit by a bus and died.  This would be the start of Ken's love-hate relationship with transportation: it's no wonder he's never ventured further than Crimea Terrace.  Vehicular disasters would later claim his brother, his nephew and his daughter, and even as I write, Peter Barlow is being dragged out from underneath a Metrolink.

The second mellowing influence on Ken was Valerie Tatlock, who became the first Mrs Barlow.  Valerie gave Ken twins; in return he slept with an exotic dancer and a newspaper reporter, got locked up for seven days, and accused her of having an affair with Ray Langton.  For some reason, Valerie forgave him all of this, and agreed to go to Jamaica with him.  The mind-boggling prospect of Ken Barlow with dreadlocks smoking ganja was sadly destroyed when Val electrocuted herself with a hairdryer and set fire to the maisonettes.  Ken's reaction was to pull a slightly pained face and pack the twins off to Glasgow.

You see, Ken has always been what you could term a "hands off" father, in the sense that he'd prefer it if someone else did the parenting for him.  Peter and Susan vanished to Scotland and were barely seen until they were old enough to drive.  Little Daniel, the product of his affair with hairdresser Denise, got a couple of weeks with his Dad in 2007 and hasn't been mentioned since.  (Mind you he lives in Macclesfield, and we all know what a horrific trek that is from Manchester).  Ken recently discovered he had another son, Lawrence, the product of his roving student loins; they were getting on famously until Ken realised he was played by famous actor Linus Roache, and so he couldn't be in the show more than two weeks.  Lawrence therefore departed and was never mentioned again.  In fairness to Ken, the one child he did lavish time and attention on was Tracy Barlow, and she turned out to be an amoral psychopath, so perhaps it's for the best that he doesn't bother.

Most people bring back shortbread and a stuffed teddy in a kilt as a souvenir from Scotland; Ken came back with a wife, Janet.  She'd already worked her way through most of the men on the Street before becoming the second Mrs Barlow, so the signs weren't good.  Eventually she left Ken for being unambitious (NOT BORING) and went off with another man.  Ken reacted with a slightly pained expression, sent the kids back up to Scotland, and started living the life of a 1970s playboy - well, he shacked up with a married woman for a while, anyway.  Janet finally returned and begged Ken to take her back; for the first time in his life, he turned down a woman, and the humiliation was so bad that Janet topped herself.

How did Ken get over this tragedy?  By marrying another woman - Sexy Specs herself, Deirdre Langton.  Ken and Deirdre rapidly became the Burton and Taylor of the Street, their torrid love affair tearing up the cobbles.  Well, perhaps not torrid.  What can we say about Ken and Deirdre that hasn't been said already?  The two of them were incredibly well matched, in the sense that they both had the sex appeal of a wet afternoon in Llangollen and yet they seemed to spend their days fighting off suitors.  Deirdre slept with Cockney wide boy Mike Baldwin, while Ken hooked up with carp-faced secretary Wendy Crozier.  The affair didn't last long, and after Deirdre found happiness with Samir, Ken hit rock bottom and tried to top himself.  Only the intervention of Bet Lynch - and Bill Roache's realisation that he wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage if he ever left - stopped him.

Ken rebuilt his life slowly, becoming a trolley boy at Freshco, knocking up Denise, and finally giving in and getting back together with Deirdre.  He forgave her Christmas indiscretion with Dev (which is more than the viewers have) and they tied the knot again.  It was a happy occasion, marred only slightly by the death of her first husband at the reception.  Unexpected deaths are bread and butter to Ken though, and he only became riled when Ray slumped into the vol au vents.

It's Ken's calm, intelligent side which is the real boon to the Street: who else listens to Radio 3?  Who else reads the Guardian?  Who else sucks on the arm of their glasses in extreme moments?  This intellectual side (which is definitely NOT BORING) does mean that he has a tendency to caution, resulting in frustration for Deirdre.  There are times when she'd like a wildly exciting lover, not a man who thinks that wearing a silk housecoat is positively daring.

What makes things worse is that when Ken does decide to be exciting and dangerous and daring, he tends to do it behind Deirdre's back, as his escapades with Sable Colby on a barge recently showed.  Stephanie Beacham offered to take Ken away to the high life of That London; when he realised that this would involve a trip South of the Watford Gap, he jumped back onto land sharpish and begged for Deirdre's forgiveness.  She granted it on condition that she could make snippy remarks to him for the rest of their life.

So who is Ken Barlow in 2010?  He's a man who's seen things no man should ever see - the death of a child, the despair of divorce, the pain of financial ruin, Blanche getting out of the bath.  Despite these agonies he's managed to cling on to a full head of lustrous hair - surely a Pantene endorsement deal can't be far away?  He's an icon, a legend, a God.  He's also not a very good actor, but it seems churlish to mention it.  One certainty about the tram crash was that Ken would survive, because he will; he's the core of Corrie, and he'll probably be around for the 100th anniversary, even if he's just a head in jar by that point.  Cheers Ken: I raise my half of Newton and Ridley in your honour.