Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Mamma Mimi, here we go again.  We are, basically, marking time until Tyrone and Fiz reunite, with all the tedious inevitability of an unloved season.  It'll probably be on Christmas Day when Weatherfield is once again the only place in Britain to get snow and all the viewers are too full of turkey and sherry to change channels.  The problem is, how do we get rid of Phill before then?  The writers boxed themselves into a corner by making him so lovely and caring and nice.  Why would Fiz drop someone so perfect in favour of cheater Tyrone?  The answer is simple: introduce an awful mother to harass Fiz.  However, they miscalculated again, because Mimi was fabulous, rocking up to the Street dressed like Cruella de Vil and turning her nose up at every aspect of Fiz's life.  How are we meant to dislike someone who immediately judged Fiz for having stone cladding and a bar in her lounge? 

I suppose we were meant to view Phill as an emasculated wimp, letting his mother curl her lip and bang on about the Rotary Club, but if I had Mimi in my living room I wouldn't talk either: I'd just sit back and drink her in.  I'd have also nipped to Dev's and got her the Viennese Whirls she was after; Fiz somewhat bafflingly thought she could borrow some off Sally, as though Mr Kipling Viennese Whirls are some kind of exotic foodstuff only carried in the Harvey Nicks Food Hall.  The only downside is that Evelyn is apparently away again and so the two women didn't meet to exchange insults over the sweet sherries.  A clash of the gorgons, where only one side can win.

Mark your calendars.  It was World AIDS Day on Wednesday, and various characters wore ribbons to mark the occasion.  Somewhat unbelievably, one of these was Daisy; do we really believe Daisy could feel compassion towards people who aren't her?  Billy and Yasmeen had a conversation about those we have lost, with Yas promising to go to the annual AIDS vigil in the village; a nice touch, especially as both the actors are gay in real life, giving their chat an added layer of significance.

Unfortunately it lead to another of those time holes that really wind me up.  Also in Wednesday's episode, Bernie had a drink with Grace; in Friday's episode, she told Gemma about what had happened the day before.  And then Daniel went in his classroom and wrote 03/12/21 on the board.  Is it Thursday, or is it Friday?  Which one?  It annoys me every time they do this, because there's no real reason for it - Bernie could've spent two days mulling over whether to tell Aggie about what happened and then I wouldn't have gnashed my teeth in anger and frustration.

None of you care about this do you?  Sorry.

Welcome the star of the show.  This week could've been unofficially dubbed Stu Week, as he seemingly managed to be in every scene.  He's a nice character and he's played well and everything but Rita was last in the show in October and most of the Street's kids appear to have been locked up by the Child Catcher - perhaps prioritise the permanent members of staff above the temps?  Anyway, Stu bounced around the Street, being loveable and charming and having people bend over backwards to help him.  Maria gave Kelly the keys to the barber shop and she let him sleep there overnight, while Yasmeen handed him the keys to Speed Daal to let himself in to do some cooking; these people are all very trusting with their businesses.  No wonder they're always getting robbed.

Stu promptly found himself embroiled in the unending Zeedan money laundering plot, as World's Least Frightening Gangster Hashim burned down Speed Daal for the insurance.  He was dragged out to safety by Zee but as Stu's been having Coughs of Significance in all his appearances, the smoke can't have done his lungs any good.  I presume when he dies the whole of Weatherfield will turn out for his funeral cortege as he touched everybody's lives - Carla throwing lilies in front of the hearse, Chesney sobbing, Ken Barlow wailing "no, take me instead God, spare Stu!".  I guess we should at least be grateful that there are characters on the show who are willing to pay back those who helped them when they were at rock bottom, and don't immediately dump them when they get back on their feet.  No names.  (Sean).

She's a Leather Queen.  Can you believe it took them thirty five years to invite Dame Sue Devaney back onto the Street?  And it took them another year to come up with the idea of making her a permanent character?  What a waste.  Think of all the amazing plotlines we missed out on.  She's making up for lost time however, clattering around the Street on her clip clop heels and carrying all her bags in the crook of her arm.  Her wardrobe is an absolute delight; I presume the costume department went to Manchester Debenhams just before it closed and bought up every item in their "Rich Bitch" collection.  The result is Debbie is never wearing anything less than at least two bizarre items of clothing that she somehow makes work.

Her scarf has skulls on it!  Amazing.  There's still a vague feeling that Debbie could leave at any moment - where is she living, for example? - but I sincerely hope that's not the case.  This week she called Zeedan "Haircut 100" and based on that alone the producers should lock her into a twenty year Golden Handcuffs deal.

Fly the rainbow flag.  Paul's back!  And he's gone grey, bless him.  That must be the stress of living with Daniel.  It can't be easy, trying to get yourself a cup of tea only to be blocked by your flatmate because he's got Daisy dressed up in Sinead's Sex Cardigan and they have to keep it a secret for some reason.  You can't have secrets from a housemate, Daniel; the two of you literally share a toilet.  You've seen each other in your pants more than some married couples.  Far easier to simply tell Paul what's going on so he can mercilessly take the mickey.  

Paul had missed all of Daniel's shenanigans because he'd been out all night.  A 24-hour coke and champagne binge in a gentleman's club?  After hours dancing at a sweaty hole on Canal Street?  Filthy romps in an all-night sauna?  No, he'd been playing Uno and drinking red wine round a friend's house and then slept on the sofa.  The Gays on this programme are so disappointingly chaste.  I want just one of them to get arrested for cruising in Heaton Park wearing only a leather thong and nipple clamps.  Is that too much to ask?  (Not Sean though).

The actual plotlines of this week's Corrie were so dreadful - Grace selling her baby, Daisy and Daniel and Summer and Max, the relentless boredom of anything involving the Nazirs - that I have consciously decided to concentrate only on the positives in the show.  Congratulate me for managing to find Five Things to talk about on Twitter @merseytart.

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