Crime does pay. Back in January of 2021, ITV announced that production on Corrie would cease for a fortnight while the scriptwriters and producers thrashed out how to respond to the continuing pandemic. They needed to regroup and re-evaluate and work out how to film a soap opera within government guidance.
I was briefly excited. Perhaps, I thought, this would mean a smaller 2021 in Coronation Street. The easiest, cheapest, simplest story to film is two people in a room talking. Any room. The Rovers, the cafe, anywhere. I hoped that the writers would can the blockbuster storylines for a while and instead have character plots - ones that didn't need stunts or explosions or guns.
Fat chance. Turned out 2021 was going to be just as crime packed as before, only now everyone would stand two metres apart. The gangster-driven rollercoaster was embodied by the return of Sharon Gaskell after more than twenty years. When she left she was a disillusioned woman, broken down by bad relationships and estranged from Rita, hoping for a new life with a man who'd once betrayed her. When she returned, she was basically Ma Baker. This was part of a trend of the show bringing in gifted comic actors to play thugs; as well as Tracie Bennett, we also got Will Mellor as Harvey and Vincent Ebrahim from The Kumars as Hashim, raising the possibility next year will bring us Caroline Quentin as an axe murderer and Russ Abbot as a pimp.
Sharon was here to find Leanne, who'd got wrapped up in a drug dealing plotline and had gone into hiding. What this meant was for two months Sharon accosted random residents, invited herself into their house, went through their address book, then stood on a street corner hissing into a mobile phone. She spent about four minutes in total with Rita, and she barely even nodded to Sally, her former best friend. It climaxed with her tasering Jennie Bradley in the backside. I think it was meant to be funny. She was packed off to the tram stop eventually, barking orders, apparently having taken over her nephew's criminal empire, even though when she first reappeared she was supposedly living in fear of him.
It was part of a trend of Coronation Street dwelling on the dark side, with characters producing guns, stealing, blackmailing and generally being deeply unpleasant all round. Nothing nice could happen - it always had to get a twist that kicked your legs out from under you. Todd paid a young boy to pretend to be a victim of domestic violence so he could sleep with Billy; it spiralled into a blackmail plot, videoed confessions, and the theft of money destined for a homeless person. Plus there was a load of business involving a heat pump which meant I heard the words "heat pump" more than I ever had in my life before or since. A storyline about a deaf child getting cochlear implants devolved into a kidnapping; a woman struggling to cope with looking after her child ended up selling the baby; an affair lead to a fire and a miscarriage. Emma met a lovely medical student and he turned out to be a massive liar, which made her cry, and Emma should never be made to cry. It meant that Craig spent most of the year turning up in hi-vis and pretending to have authority; his mooted promotion to CID never happened, weirdly.
The worst example was the return of Zeedan, who left the show a couple of years ago as a perfectly nice young man and returned as some kind of thieving adulterer who'd got involved with the Yakuza. This lead to a money laundering plotline that went on for roughly eight years and which never, at any point, managed to be interesting, and climaxed with the restaurant being burned down for the insurance (in her bed at Victoria Court, Leanne shuddered involuntarily, as though a ghost had walked across her grave). Incidentally, you might think that the raging inferno would bring back tragic memories for Zee and Alya of their dad burning to death, but he didn't even get a mention. Hashim ended up keeling over and that was the end of the matter, because it's widely known that when a gangster boss dies suddenly in the presence of people he has in his power there's no comeback at all and the rest of the gang just let them go free. The biggest shock about his death was it didn't happen in the Alleyway Of Doom; I think he'd set up camp in there.
Coronation Street was so crime-riddled this year it was like Guy Ritchie directing a remake of This Sporting Life; it was weird and unpleasant and no fun at all. And this is leaving aside the characters who went to prison for crimes they'd committed last year - I think we saw more of that pool table in the nick than the bar of the Rovers. Weatherfield was basically Walford-On-Irwell; the producers should perhaps take a look at EastEnders' plummeting viewing figures and consider whether that's a good thing.
Is there in youth no beauty? I get that, thanks to Delta and Omicron and lots of other things that sound like discarded Doctor Who villains, we've not been able to have the full cast on the show this year. The older members, especially, have had to be absent from time to time, as nobody wants to be responsible for Barbara Knox ending up on a ventilator. Now and then we've had odd appearances from the elderly characters, but Ken still went off to visit a mate in Southampton rather than be with Peter during his liver transplant, and Evelyn seems to have had about fourteen holidays this year. Mind you, that might be the producers giving Dame Maureen Lipman whatever she wants to keep her in the show; she might have a contract that's one week in Salford, one week off to film Celebrity Gogglebox with Gyles Brandreth.
To fill the gaps, the young people on the show have been promoted to central characters, and have appeared in far more episodes. Pretty much all of them in fact. Barely a show went by without a teenager lurching into shot, full of angst and hormones. It started to resemble Hollyoaks, except everything on Hollyoaks is fun and upbeat and glamorous, including the serial killers. On Corrie, it was all a bit depressing.
There was even a publicity shot for Corrieoaks, with the young people in a line, looking moody and dramatic. This was to publicise the big storyline where Seb was kicked to death; Seb had recently turned 20, and so the new Logan's Run-style of storylining meant he had to die so that the people still in their teens could cry in close up. He was killed by Corey (17) while Kelly (15) looked on; fortunately Nina (19) survived. Corey returned to his flat and asked his girlfriend Asha (16, sort of, if you ignore her actual birthdate) to cover for him, but she was with her friend Amy (17) at the time. In short, it was basically a story about kids, acted by kids; when Abi hung out with them to investigate Seb's death she looked like Brown Owl taking the girls on a nature excursion and she's only in her 40s.
This storyline came on top of ones about Asha's romantic life, Simon's criminal shenanigans, Summer's university angst, that boy with the big eyes that Todd paid to pretend he'd been beaten, Max turning into the spawn of the devil... Even the tweenagers started turning up and causing havoc, with Hope trying to kill Alina Pop! and Sam bouncing between being kidnapped two or three times a month and lecturing everyone about comets the rest of the time. And this is without mentioning Sarah-Lou and David who, despite being in their 30s, still look about fourteen; Gail can't get a loft conversion like Yasmeen because Tina O'Brien and Jack P Shepherd have stashed their aging portraits up there. Meanwhile characters like Brian and Cathy got given a dreadful trolling storyline for about a month then were sent away for the rest of the year - that's your lot, thank you for your time, we now have to spend thirty eight episodes on Kelly with a snot bubble popping out of her nose.
I believe that children are our future; treat them well and let them lead the way. But maybe dial back on them in 2022 and let the grown-ups have a turn. Just think of the money you'll save on Clearasil.
Death comes to us all. Births and deaths; these are the lifeblood of any soap opera, and while there was only one baby born this year - Glory Bailey, who continued her family tradition of only appearing when there's a SERIOUS ISSUE to be discussed by entering the world in the middle of a racism is bad plot - there were a fair few deaths. Perhaps the producers were told they could only have the money to build the funeral parlour if they got their money's worth out of the set. This year's deaths broadly came in two categories.
The first category is tidying up loose ends. In this block were long-departed characters who were killed offscreen because the actor was never coming back anyway. Through this we lost Gay Ted, Gail's father who was a regular on the show until he simply vanished from sight; his death meant Gail could buy back number 8, restoring balance to the universe. We also lost Tyrone's ex Kirsty, though I'm not sure why they did that one - wasn't there more drama in the idea that Kirsty could return at any time to see her daughter? In the end she was sacrificed so Tyrone and Fiz could get a little bit closer on the settee, which is like detonating a nuclear bomb because you need a way to light your fag.
The biggest offscreen death was of course Norris Cole, sent to the stationer's in the sky after Malcolm Hebden decided coming back to the show was far too much faff. He got a lengthy, loving tribute that I'm pretty sure was 90% a goodbye to Malcolm rather than Norris - people seemed to speak very highly of him, even though he was an awful nosy little gossip (this is not a complaint). Gail even returned from Thailand for the event. The funeral climaxed with that paperboy outside the Kabin getting decapitated; it's now completely restored, so either Rita was straight out there with the superglue or it has mystical powers and should probably be thrown on some kind of pyre. I was sad to see Norris go, especially as it seemed to be a farewell to Claudia and Freda at the same time - they appeared at the funeral and haven't been seen since.
The other category of death this year was totally unnecessary and kind of gross. There was the aforementioned Seb, of course, who didn't deserve to be murdered, and definitely didn't deserve to be kicked to death. His death managed to undermine the work the producers had done with the Sophie Lancaster Foundation - while Nina was (sort of) attacked for being different (I'd argue that Corey despising her for being Asha's ex and not afraid of him had a larger role), this aspect was overshadowed by Seb's murder. It all became about him, and less about Nina.
Also on this list was the death of Johnny Connor. You would think that if a character has been established as having a life-threatening condition like MS - that if, in fact, we'd spent several episodes at the start of the year watching that character grapple with his condition, and for it to get worse - that when the actor decided to leave, this would be the perfect way to write him out. A tender farewell as he succumbed to his illness. Or, you know, you could have him climb into a hole and drown in a sewer. The second one makes hardly any sense but hey, it looks a lot better in the publicity shots than a guy in a hospital bed!
The most unnecessary, most repulsive, most irritating death this year was, of course, Natasha Blakeman, shot to death for the crime of wearing a bad Morticia wig. A friendly, funny, intelligent female character, who is successful and attractive? Clearly she must die. I get that they wanted to bring Sam into the show permanently; Jude Riordan is clearly a star. But did she have to die? And in such a meaningless, throwaway fashion, accidentally killed because Harvey thought she was someone else. Leanne and Nicky then moved poor grieving Sam into the very flat where his mother was murdered. No wonder Sam is suffering so badly - every time he wants a glass of milk he has to step over the bloodstains on the carpet.
I'm hopelessly DEVoted to you. There was one family that ruled above all others this year, and that was the Alahans. Recasting Aadi with Adam Hussein - who is actually capable of talking - gave the Alahan family the next level development that made them into a top drawer family unit.
As Queen of Angst, it was often Asha who lead the drama, leaving her father and brother to follow in her wake. For example, she started the year by dabbling with lesbianism, becoming more than friends with Nina. A befuddled Dev turned to Mary for help and they organised a film night: French lesbian cinema, posh crisps, and Aadi sitting on the sideline making sarcastic remarks. It was, of course, wonderful. When Asha split up with Nina and moved in with Corey instead, it was hard not to want the male Alahans to move Mary back in and quietly change the locks to keep her and her endless strops out.
They did let her back, when a little light murdering caused Asha to realise Corey maybe wasn't the man of her dreams, and she spent the summer sniping with her brother. Dev gifted them their name above the shop, turning it into the somewhat clunky D&A&A Alahan's - though he notably failed to change anything else in the shop, leaving all the other signage still saying D&S - and Aadi embraced this new role, running around with an iPad and trying to tell Evelyn what to do. Dev was thrilled that his boy was following in his footsteps, and so were we, as it meant Aadi got repeatedly insulted by the fearsome women in the Alahan empire.
Of course, it all had to end, with SUPER SOAP WEEK giving us a terrible car crash and Dev forced to choose which child to save from the wreckage. In the end, they both lived, which was awkward, and Aadi skulked around for a couple of episodes being generally unpleasant. Summer also dumped him at this time because she had a crush on Daniel; all in all, not a great month for Aadi. He seems to have cheered up now, having had a lovely chat with his dad on the sofa where they were affectionate and caring to one another; it was delightful.
In amongst all this, Dev has continued to be Dev at all times, because Dev remains one of the finest characters to walk the cobbles. He's truly unique - able to be funny and serious, with a ruthless streak and a big slab of ham on top. Nobody else talks like Jimmi Harkishin, not on the show, not on planet earth, and it means he can make a single, commonplace sentence into something truly astonishing. Not that they've neutered the Corner Shop lothario; he tried it on with both Natasha and Sharon this year, and had his hopes dashed each time.
(It is a legal requirement that this picture should appear whenever one discusses Dev Alahan).
My wish for 2022 is that the Alahans have fun, exciting adventures, ones that don't involve tragedy or murder or Asha mutilating herself for some reason. Perhaps a road trip in a camper van, solving mysteries, or a visit to a spooky ghost house, or a hilarious farce involving a large cake and the Mayor. Keep Jimmi Harkishin and Tanisha Gorey and Adam Hussein bouncing around being little bundles of absolute joy for as long as possible.
They're writing songs... but not for me. The biggest event of 2021 on the cobbles was of course SUPER SOAP WEEK, where everything went absolutely demented for six episodes. Debbie held a Hallowe'en fair (a couple of weeks before the day itself, but never mind) and it was ruined by the cumulative effects of:
- rain
- sinkholes
- guns
- Ryan's DJing
Suddenly we were in a world where Abi was threatening Corey with a shooter in a drain; where sinkholes opened up only at moments of maximum drama and only under people who deserved to die; where Weatherfield was revealed to have a massive network of underground caverns flooded with gallons of clean water (not one drop of sewage) that also emptied out onto canal towpaths. It was a week that was ludicrous, but not in a good, camp way, because we were meant to take it all very seriously; we were meant to feel the angst and the torment of the characters as they, for example, climbed down into a big hole for no real reason and then drowned.
I hated it.
I thought it was all absolute nonsense and when it was over I rushed to social media and this very blog to talk to people who thought the same. And I realised... there were people out there who liked it. Lots of them. There were people saying this is so exciting and best week ever and oh no whatever will happen next?!?!
It was at that point I realised: this programme isn't made for me any more. I am coming to it, every episode, with a set of expectations that aren't going to be met. You don't tune in to The Real Housewives of Delaware hoping for an in depth discussion of the new Michael Ondaatje novel; you don't put on a BBC Four documentary about the church in the Low Countries hoping to discover where the hottest shopping districts in Ghent are. You adjust your expectations.
I'm coming to Coronation Street with expectations formed through forty plus years of watching. I'm tuning in looking for a programme that hasn't existed for at least five years, maybe ten. I'm hankering after a sweeter, less fast-paced, more understated Weatherfield. I'm asking for character continuity, or pay offs to plotlines, or people remembering their past and using it to inform their actions. That doesn't exist any more, but the point is, they're making a show that people do still enjoy. There are people out there who love a high-octane show full of crime and guns and hospitals. There are millions of viewers who are turning in just for that; Corrie is still ITV's number one show, after all. There are viewers who would switch off straight away if an entire Friday episode was devoted to Sally and Tim discussing new curtains for her front room while I would absolutely record that show and watch it over and over again.
That's ok. This isn't my show any more. Since I realised that - since I screamed myself hoarse during SUPER SOAP WEEK, shouting at the screen this is ridiculous and other considerable more four-letter phrases - I've become a lot calmer. For me, this show is now something to fill the time. There's nothing else on telly at 7:30. It gives me a chance to write a load of nonsense once a week. It sometimes makes me laugh. But I don't really care any more. That's gone.
You might be sitting there thinking that SUPER SOAP WEEK was one of your high points of the year, and that's great. I'm pleased for you. I'm pleased you enjoy it, and certainly, the awards that are stacking up on ITV's mantlepiece seem to show that a lot of people feel the same way you do. ITV doesn't want people like me any more; it wants people like you. You are the future of Corrie; treat it well.
The author is available for all storylining conferences, ITV. His main ideas involve Mary finding an amusingly shaped aubergine in her Tesco delivery, Gail buying a new hat, and George being befuddled by the settings on his burglar alarm, resulting in a siren going off in the middle of an emotional viewing of a corpse. Contact me on Twitter @merseytart for more sure fire winners like this.
