Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Sunday 18 April 2021

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Love is dark.  Nina's powers are many and mysterious, and her latest act of magic is turning Seb from a monosyllabic builder's mate into a poetry writing lovesick fool.  It's adorable.  I really want to hear this passionate ode that rhymes "Nina" with "Ribena"; put her on one of the balconies at Victoria Court and he can call up to her.  I much prefer Seb and Nina (Sina?) as a coupling to Asha and Nina (Ashna?) which is a shame, because I get the feeling the producers have only introduced them as a bump in the road before the girls get back together.  In Friday's episode, she refused to let him attend a performance by Lugosi's Curse because "he'd stick out a mile."  Of course Seb - with his long black hair, pale white skin, black jacket and jeans - would look totally out of place in a gang of Goths.  It's not like he's Sean and wandering around in a spangly Pride flag 24/7.  It looks like Abi is going to give him a transformation, but considering she can barely bring herself to put on lippy most days I'm not sure she'd be that successful.  Get Gemma involved; her truly disturbing contouring shows a woman who knows that make-up should be applied with a roller.

Once you start, you can't stop.  Having lied and manipulated to get Billy back in his bed, Todd found himself at a loose end, evil-wise, and so decided to get Eileen and George together.  It was all very Parent Trap, if it was set in a funeral parlour and Hayley Mills was a thoroughly nasty bit of goods.  Any chance that Todd could be a reasonable human being for a while and enjoy his new romance?   No?  Eileen attempted to woo George with "home made pie and chips".  "Mmm, I love pie," said George, without asking what kind of pie it actually was.  Steak and kidney?  Chicken and mushroom?  Dead rat in lard?  You need to get all the information before you sign up for this kind of thing, George, or you end up having to pick your way through a sweet potato and liver monstrosity with a strained smile on your face.

Mary gave the union her blessing, even though she once tipped her hat at George and broke up with him when she realised he was after her landlady; this is because Mary is a treasure.  As usual she effortlessly stole the show with her warmth and generosity and then, later in the week, with a story about fedoras and performing Smooth Criminal.  Sometimes you can tell that a writer is hooting with glee as they type and Mary: The Mini-series was definitely one of those occasions.  Now let's get Mary a proper boyfriend, one who's not horrible to her, who'll be nice and charming and funny and they'll be happy together.

Stick to your day job.  One of this blog's constant moans is that Toyah is wasting her life on telesales when she is actually a trained therapist.  Why is she trying to force diamante panties on uninterested buyers when she could be genuinely changing lives?  The answer came this week: Toyah is not a counsellor any more because she's hopeless.  First of all, she organised an intimate relationship crisis meeting in a public restaurant.  How is anyone meant to feel they're in a safe space when there's Bernie in the background earwigging?  Fiz could be in the middle of tearfully confessing that Tyrone hasn't brought her to orgasm since Matt Smith was the Doctor just as a waiter leans in and asks if they want to see the dessert menu.  Secondly, Toyah didn't seem to have any actual useful advice or insights, just a load of buzzwords she'd nicked from Gwyneth Paltrow; it was like Siri reading the introduction to Chicken Soup for the Soul.  She was soon off to deal with a misplaced shipment of knickers and frankly I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.

It was all for naught anyway because Ty had already moved from the "chaste kiss" stage of his relationship with Alina Pop! to "raunchy afternoon delight".  Now I've done my best not to blame Alina for any of this mess; she is a free agent, and Tyrone is in a committed relationship, and so he is the one who should ultimately take responsibility.  Having said that, if a man comes to you and says that he is deeply confused, that his family is in torment, and that he is moving back into the marital home to try and bring some stability to everyone's lives, and your response is "that's all very nice, but would you like to see me naked?" then frankly you're a bit of a harlot.  Also, Tyrone bouncing around the flat post-coital was genuinely nauseating, and I never want to see that again.  Send them both off to Bucharest and let Fiz crack on with her life.

Don't press send.  Cathy's trolling storyline entered its eighteenth month of not making any sense.  Here's the thing: Brian was all over the front page of the Gazette, named and shamed as the perpetrator, until Cathy took responsibility in the middle of the Street.  My question is, who told the rest of Weatherfield?  Because they all seem to have switched their anger to Cathy without hesitation, whacking her face on porn actors and sending her funeral wreaths.  Is there some kind of vigilante noticeboard where illiterate lunatics with too much time on their hands and not enough empathy swear vengeance against complete strangers for minor infractions?  (Of course there is, it's called Twitter).  Cathy decided to get away, forever, so the Kabin could be safe.

To be honest it could do with a firebombing.  Is it just me or has the Kabin become the most depressing corner of the set, even more depressing than Ken Barlow's oppressive living room?  It's so drab and miserable.  I think the last time it was redecorated was when the tram fell on it and even they just propped the walls back up and slapped some emulsion on it.  Anyway, Cathy fled exactly two doors down the road and imposed herself on Yasmeen.  Presumably the Internet Weirdos immediately updated their records to let everyone know it was ok to buy Black Jacks from the Kabin again.  


Does anyone have Ken Barlow's e-mail address?  I know he's busy visiting a sick colleague in Southampton but I feel like someone should gently suggest to him that he might want to be at the side of his dying son who's on the transplant list and who is marrying the love of his life while his grandson has been spirited away into witness protection.  Send his contact details to me via Twitter @merseytart.

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Gav said...

You make a solid, well-measured point about Craig.

Gav said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ben said...

Don't think my comment came up but can someone tell me how to get a hold on 70s corrie episodes that haven't been made available online yet. Whether there is a fee of sorts I don't care.

Louby said...

I was also contemplating the Kabin, wondering how they had ever fitted a post office counter in there. When did it disappear? Did they explain or was it just not there one day.

The only thing that I can think of to explain why Alina fancies Tyrone, is that he was sympathetic when her dog died. There's not much chemistry going on is there?

Anonymous said...

In fairness to Toyah, that scene was clearly supposed to have Evelyn in it delivering the barbs, and so presumably was meant to have taken place at their home. But as there's no Maureen Lipman at the moment, they needed to find a way to get the Greek Chorus involved and so it had to be done in public, even although that was clearly a thing that would never happen.

On the Post Office: didn't it vanish after the tram crash?

Anonymous said...

Jeanie (anon): the scene with Toyah was clearly meant to be funny, not taken seriously, or as a meaningful display of her counselling skills. What is striking is 1. it underlines the actress's considerable comic talents. She's carried off some pretty funny scenes with her veganism and do-goodishness, such a relief from the sour-faced "that puts on ten pounds" Leanne. reveals Corrie's on-going suspicion and distrust of educated professionals, particularly women professionals. Toyah's counselling skills, which must be the result of considerable education (in Canada you need a Master's degree as a minimum to be a therapist) have been ridiculed and used as comic relief since she came back and play into the blue collar stereotype of the long-winded jargon-spouting professional. But of course we all take her seriously when she's working behind the bar or in the factory!

Chris h said...

Not much chemistry at all, all seemed a bit sudden and random to me. As for the kabin, how does it stay in business, newsagents have been on the slide for a while, less and less folk smoke, supermerkets do papers and bags of sweets, not that many even read print mags and newspapers now

C in Canada said...

Re: Toyah having a counselling session in a public restaurant:
I just watched the episode where they took Kelly to Speed Dahl to celebrate them fostering her. After some awkwardness came up about Imran's sister, Toyah suggested to Imran they go home to talk about it as it was 'less public'. !!
C'mon writers, a bit of consistency would make things much more believable.


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