Fat Brenda's Cream Horn, November 2011

Well loveys, what a week to get a flamin’ cold! Every single tissue has been bought by Lloyd to dry his ever wet eyes after the breakup of him and Cheryl. “But Brenda, can’t you use loo roll or kitchen roll or summat?” No I flamin’ can’t, he’s had it all. I even caught him rifling through me handbag desperate to get his hands on me TENA Ladys cos I’d told him about their super absorbency. In the end I relented and made him a TENA bandana that he can simply pull down over his eyes in the event of involuntary crying.

I’m glad the Grays have gone though but I do feel sorry for whoever Cheryl is staying with. Give that woman five minutes and she’ll have their house done up like an Ikea show-home from 1998 while boring 'em to death!

I had a heart attack yesterday when some lass came into the cab office from the Benefits Agency. She said she was looking for Dennis but I didn’t take any chances and put a paper bag over me head so she wouldn’t recognise me from't dole office. Folk think it’s easy signing on and working but it’s a minefield loveys. I have to borrow Bernice’s shop mobility scooter every other week to sign on't sick and that thing is hard to handle. Bernice has had it souped up so she can race Mabel from Gala bingo round Balaclava Terrace for cash!

Talking of cash, there is a new addiction sweeping the cobbles at the moment – gambling! Ciaran has been trying to pay for his new teeth by placing bets on owt he can. He bet me £4 I couldn’t smoke a full Dunhill in fifty seconds – the fool! Four super drags and it was gone. “Can oi have de money back for moi wedding?” he asked! No you flamin’ can’t! It’s not my fault you spent all your money on having Janet Street Porter's teeth grafted into yer gob lovey! I like Ciaran but he’s a flamin’ cheek sometimes... still handsome though!

Michelle has barely noticed there's owt wrong what with her saving Underworld from collapse by getting help from little Nicky Tilsley. She’s doing a belting job and I for one think her move from club singing pint puller to Weatherfield’s Hilary Devey has been seamless!

I’ll tell you what though, me and Bernice saw summat funny on’t Red Rec. After reports of UFOs we went for a walk and found a big pile of ashes. We swept them up and Bernice was convinced they were from another flamin’ world! “I Bernice am the first lass on Earth to hold in me hand the remains of an alien”, she declared. And what did she do with ‘em? Put ‘em in a flamin’ roll-up and smoked ‘em! She was convinced they’d give her super powers. It wasn’t until we told Chesney that we realised they were the remains of his flamin’ dog. The only powers she seems to have developed is an unhealthy fascination with lampposts and the ability to clean her bits with her tongue! Horrible to look at, loveys!

The only UFOs I’ve seen were falling out of Eva’s frock when her and Nick went to a meeting! They were either UFOs or two airships had crashed into her chest! She nearly had me eye out!

Right, I'm off! Tweeter me here or leave me a belting message below so I feel cherished!