Sunday, 10 April 2011

Fat Brenda's Cream Horn


What the flamin' hell has got into Rita recently loveys? When she's not shuffling round in her daft hat dishing out words of 'wisdom' to whoever will listen she's crying her eyes out! I bought meself twenty Dunhill Internationals from her in The Kabin and I was five pence short, 'that's alright lovey' she said and I thought no more about it. I found a pound on the floor outside and bought a Bounty and a bag of Monster Munch from Dev's. That was when Rita saw me. 'How could you do this?' she wept, 'You lied to me Brenda. You had that five pence all along and after all I've done for you. I'm just so hurt...' She needs to sort herself out loveys and stop crying and going on with herself, she's getting on me flamin' nerves!

Why did Sally get invited to the wedding and I didn't? I've got a fascinator that I made meself, it's got a load of ciggie dimps attached to wire that bob about when I move me head and I've been dying to use it. But did I get an invite? No I did not. I wouldn't mind but Kylie kipped over at the cab office the night before the wedding and I didn't even get a plate of buffet to say thanks!
Well that Fay(e) is certainly making her presence felt with her light fingered ways. 'We can send her back' said my Eddie in what can only be described as a total change of heart. I'm not convinced it's even my Eddie. I think he's been abducted by aliens and they've exposed him to some weird brain experiments and wiped out his entire memory. It was Eddie who cheated folk out of darts money, stole the cash and carry code from Roy to buy booze and refused to pay Joe McIntyre for a kitchen (it was Anna an' all remember) that started Joe's descent into flamin' poverty and drug addiction! You'd think he'd welcome Fay(e) with open arms as a chip off the old block but as I said, there's summat not right about him at the moment.
If there has been alien abduction going on then I reckon they got their green martian fingers on our Graeme an' all. Didn't he used to be funny? He's not acting himself loveys. Come to think of it neither is Norris, going round threatening folk like a balding Edward Woodward in The Equaliser, and neither is Jim (how about yee) McDonald! What's going on in Weatherfield at the moment?
It's nice to see Gail hasn't changed a bit though... she's still the same interfering old witch! It's so reassuring that in an uncertain world, Gail is the only constant! She makes Ivy Brennan seem like a hands off mother she's that overbearing. Folk say David has a screw loose but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, loveys, and in this case the tree is a fifty odd year old divorcee and triple widow with an addiction to whispering and blinking! What bugs me is that the woman who has the worst taste in men in the whole world thinks she can dish out advice to whoever is unfortunate enough to be sharing genes with her! Fancy giving Kylie £1000 to leave Weatherfield... judging by the amount Kylie charged for Max I don't reckon a grand was anywhere near enough!
What confused me is how Kylie managed to get her outfit from Transylvania in the late nineteenth century and still get back in time for the wedding! Must be them aliens again.
Anyhow, I'm going now, I'm in the middle of a game of Scrabble on the into-net with Ken Barlow! Six times I've beaten him but he doesn't know who it is loveys, it'd destroy him if he thought he'd lost to me, you know what he's like! He is proper rubbish at it considering he's supposed to be all brainy, I mean, he'd never heard of the word Bella! He kept calling it a proper noun or summat. I don't know much about proper nouns loveys but I do know Bella is a proper good read!
So goodbye loveys and remember, if you see Rita drawing near... RUN, she'll not catch you and you might avoid dying of flamin' boredom after one of her sermons!
Laters loveys and tweeter me here if you fancy.


9 comments:

seapenguin said...

You're so right about folk not being themselves in Weatherfield just now. Must be something in the water - maybe that'll be the next sensational storyline. And Eddie's a shadow of his former self more's the pity. I just hope he turns really satisfactorily nasty before "the end". But I'm not holding my breath.

mister_tmg said...

Brilliant, I wondered where you were this week Brenda. LOL. Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

Invasion of the body snatchers!!

Anonymous said...

Very amusing. And shrewd!!!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post, I LOLed and agreed with every word all the way through!

Fat Brenda said...

Loveys, thanks for all yer kind words, it makes me day.

B.
x

Beth said...

Belting - as always.

Anonymous said...

I wondered who would agree with me about Rita's lunatic sobbing when told Tina had lied to her about Graeme and Xin......has the woman used too much hair dye in recent weeks or more to the point, who wrote that dumb-ass scene? A gem of a write-up Fat Brenda...

K

Anonymous said...

That's it FB!! Aliens! Everyone has gone weird since the tram crash. Maybe it wasn't a tram but some alien ship and it spilled some kind of toxic, personality altering gas!
Thank goodness you were saved by a haze of ciggie smoke!

xo
Hayli

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