Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

Who the flamin' hell does that Cheryl think she is?! "Oooh Lloyd, don't you think yer records will clutter up the house? We're going all minimalist!" I'll tell you what Cheryl love, I'll put me records in't loft if you do the same with yer annoying kid! Sorry loveys but she gets on me wick!

Right, who else has been doing me head in?

Before I carry on, I have to tell you all that I'm coming off me HRT so I might be a bit grumpy but that's mainly due to the hot flushes - working with Karl isn't helping, I get a hot flush every time he smiles or winks at me!

Julie's been Carping on about folk being related to her, she even asked me if I was her long lost Auntie Brenda but everyone knows that me only relative in Weatherfield is Schmeichel the dog - he's me second cousin twice removed, on me mother's side! I think eventually Julie will find out she's related to everyone in Weatherfield and then she'll give it a flamin' rest!

That other Cilla Black long lost relative Surprise Surprise moment was Stella being Leanne's mum which can mean only one thing, she actually slept with Les! What was she thinking? I knew him in the late seventies and early eighties and let me tell you loveys, he was no looker even in them days. Maybe Stella was blind back then and ran away as soon as her eyesight was restored and she clapped eyes on him! Leanne has rejected Stella cos as far as she's concerned, Janice is her mum and always will be - I mean, they shared so many moments together did Janice and Leanne; cheating the factory workers out of their lottery winnings while Rosie was missing was a very special time for both of them!

It's not been a good time for Fiz has it? Rumour has it the lass she was supposed to be sharing a cell with ended up hanging herself but lets be honest loveys, wouldn't we all if we knew Fiz was arriving! Can you imagine owt worse than spending yer sentence listening to her? If hanging didn't work I'd try and drown meself in me porridge at breakfast to escape her flamin' blubbing!

Fiz has asked that Roy and Hayley look after Hope and said if she doesn't get out then she doesn't want Hope knowing owt about her! I can imagine it now; Weatherfield 2025...

"Uncle Roy and Aunty Hayley?"

"Yes Hope love"

"What were me mum and dad like?"

"Well Hope love, yer dad was proper off his head. He kidnapped that Rosie Webster and then he pretended to be a fella called Colin Fishwick who died at yer mum and dad's house. Yer dad buried him under the factory where yer mum worked - with help from a lass called Charlotte who he later murdered with a whack from a hammer on the head on the very night you were born. He dumped her body in the wreckage of the tram crash! It didn't stop there though Hope love, yer dad then murdered Colin's mum an' all!"

"And what about me mum?"

"Oh no, I can't tell you about yer mum in case you find it too upsetting!"

It's nice to see that banking security has come on so much in the twenty first century, all you need is a letter asking if you want to do into-net banking and folk have got access to yer account details! Belting! The theft of Kevin's money is the only proof I need that there is actually a god - well, that and kebabs, you only have to sink yer into a donner to realise heaven had a hand in making it!

Talking of god, Sophie has broken one of them Ten Commandments now, "Thou shalt not steal," mind you she's already broken one of Brenda's Ten Commandments, "Thou shalt not go and on and on about some flamin' homeless charity to someone who doesn't care!" If god doesn't punish her then I flamin' will!

Who knows what's happened to Kevin's money and whether James is in on it or not. If James is a thief involved in organised crime then maybe he's a part of that non existent "gay mafia" I've read so much about in the papers!

Tweeter me here if you like.

Remember loveys, if someone does shove a cream cake in yer face, see it as a blessing not a curse!