Coronation Street: Two for the Price of one

CROSSOVER! Is there a more thrilling phrase in the English language? Except perhaps for "chocolate" or "Russell Tovey's pants".  Such promise.  Such wonders contained within.

Let's face it, seeing our favourite characters turn up elsewhere in the schedules is always a heady thrill.  It's like seeing your form tutor buying mince in Tesco's; strange and exciting and a bit wrong.

Television has long known the potential of the crossover. Laverne and Shirley could barely cross the street without bumping into Richie Cunningham.  Worf jumped off the Enterprise to become a crew member on Deep Space Nine. And Frasier managed to meet every single one of his old Cheers cohorts during the course of his show (except for Rebecca, because of Scientology shaped reasons).  It's a trend that's favoured by our American cousins, but it's slowly catching on over here too.  Doctor Who had a whole episode that featured the casts of Torchwood and The Sarah Jane Adventures turning up to help save the galaxy.

Last November's Children In Need special, where an exchange programme saw the casts of EastEnders and Coronation Street cross the North-South divide, was what's known as a "backdoor pilot" - a test to see how the public would react.  There was universal acclaim, so more crossovers between the shows are on their way.  We've already seen Michelle Collins turn up in Weatherfield; we haven't reached the revelation that she left Leanne to enter the witness protection programme, and was set up Darn Sarf as "Cindy".  Following Cindy's "death" in prison, Stella was finally free to return to the North.  (She didn't commit a crime, incidentally; the authorities just felt she needed all the help she could get to escape Les Battersby).

More crossovers are to come, and the Coronation Street Blog can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the details.

- It's a widely known fact that no British soap opera is allowed to have more than one Asian family at a time.  Therefore, what could be more natural than to find out Walford's Masood family are in fact related to Weatherfield's Alahans?  There will be a tender reunion later this summer.  The detail that the Masoods are Muslim while the Alahans are Hindu will be explained through a heartrending plotline involving the partition of India in 1947 - a family literally torn apart across borders.  Zainab and Sunita will bond over the general uselessness of their husbands, while sarcastic, super-intelligent Tamwar will realise just how much he has in common with sarcastic, super-intelligent Amber.

- Ken Barlow has already scattered illegitimate progeny across the North West; it's logical that he may have spread his seed elsewhere.  August will bring the revelation that his fling with a young Kathy Hills while at an NUT conference in Bexleyheath resulted in the birth of Ian "Squeal" Beale, chip shop king of Albert Square.  The two men spot their genetic bond: they are both pale, tedious men who possess no charm whatsoever, and yet have no problem attracting gorgeous women to be their wives.  Ken will suck the end of his glasses and look harried while Ian will try not to get his head pushed down the toilet by Kevin Webster.  (Off screen, Bill Roache has already given Adam Woodyatt advice on how to make one six week job last fifty years).

- All these revelations will need something resembling a Greek chorus, and who better to lead the tutting and disapproval than Dot Cotton/Branning and Norris Cole?  They set up a stall in the gardens of Albert Square from where they can pass sanctimonious judgement on all and sundry.  Norris, in particular, while take delight in the sexual misadventures of Kat Slater-Moon, a woman who makes Becky look like an emotionally repressed missionary, while Dot will be thoroughly shocked by the length of Kylie Platt's skirts.  They will end up falling out in a debate about whether Rita or Pat is the merriest widow.

- Speaking of Pat, she'll fall on hard times due to her house being filled with 3000 relatives, none of whom seem to have jobs, and so she'll have to go back on the game to earn the rent.  She finds it difficult attracting punters when only her, ahem, ample charms are on offer, and so she turns to an old hand, Leanne Battersby-Barlow, for assistance.  Soon Leanne is flat on her back, earning enough money to keep Peter in rehab sessions.  But what will be Tracey's reaction when she finds out her sister in law is a member of the oldest profession?  Again?

- Finally, Phil Mitchell realises that the garage on Coronation Street will give him the perfect opportunity to expand his business empire/crime syndicate.  He makes Kevin Webster a takeover offer, but he rejects it on a whim just to annoy Tyrone.  Phil's response is calm and measured; he clubs Kevin to death with an adjustable spanner and buries him under the cobbles.  His plan would be perfect, except he failed to reckon with Sally.  She flies into a rage at the death of her maintenance cheques and unleashes her killer tongue on the Cockney mummy's boy, sending him running back down the M1 with his tail between his legs.

Before you start complaining, remember it could be have been worse; they could have done a crossover with Hollyoaks.

(Tommy who...?)