Fat Brenda's Health And Safety Horn

Well loveys, it’s been another difficult time on the cobbles these past few weeks! After the near death of Stella we’ve had poor Carla’s rape and Bill’s heart attack! I don’t know what’s going on but it seems to be getting grimmer and grimmer round these parts!

What worries me is how Weatherfield General copes with the influx of folk from Coronation Street! In less than a year we’ve had Graeme in a car accident and all them

folk from the tram crash – Peter, Rita, Fiz and Sunita (sounds like a Eurovision act!) and the rest of the injured. We’ve had Sophie falling from a roof, Kevin under a vehicle, Chris and his brain tumor, Tracy with her head injuries, Leanne and her miscarriage, Carla’s overdose and lots flamin’ more! - I’d be able to remember ‘em all but I’m partial to a gin every now and again so me memory in’t what it was!

As well as stretching resources at the hospital the police have been flamin’ busy this past year an’ all! Walking through them hallowed police station doors we've had, David Platt, John Stape, Frank Foster, Claire Peacock, Eileen Grimshaw, Jim McDonald, Fiz, Peter Barlow and that's not all, there's been the fraud at the homeless shelter, drug dealers in fridges and loads more!

I’ve decided to help folk by doing a leaflet that I’ve posted through folks’ doors telling ‘em how to stay flamin’ safe an’ that!

Staying Flamin’ Safe An’ That

Hello local loveys, it’s me, Brenda, and I’m gonna help you all stay flamin’ safe an’ that. It’s easier than you think and by following me simple rules you’ll have a belting time without the hassle of hospitals or them police.

1. Look carefully before crossing the roads especially if yer having problems with a family member and/or friend.
2. Don’t visit bars and/or bistros under tramlines.
3. If yer gonna drink cheap supermarket cider – and who doesn’t do that? – Then do not climb onto a roof especially when accompanied by a religious homophobe in eyeliner.
4. If you are gonna get wed, please make sure the fella or lass yer marrying in’t killing folk cos it gets very flamin’ complicated, especially when Weatherfield Police get involved cos they have a nasty habit of imprisoning the wrong lasses!
5. If you hit Tracy Barlow, make sure you do the job properly so she can’t recover and have you arrested cos, as we’ve discussed, Weatherfield Police will probably send you to jail unless you have actually committed a crime in which case they’ll flamin’ release you in a pair of fishnets to inflict more damage.
6. If yer gonna buy garage equipment with a scratchcard windfall then don’t brag about it to yer business partner whose - now tragically dead - wife you bedded and had a baby with.
7. This final point is the most important: MOVE AWAY FROM WEATHERFIELD LOVEYS! IT’S FLAMIN’ CURSED! MOVE SOMEWHERE QUIETER AND LESS EMOTIONALLY DRAINING LIKE - oh I don’t know… ermm… - BAGHDAD OR WALFORD!

I was gonna write some more but I'm a bit uncomfortable on me cab office chair due to the two placcy bags I've taken to sitting on in case I get impregnated through sharing a seat with Seed McDonald! I thought worries like that would be a thing of the past now I've gone through the menopause but he only has to look at you and you can be in the family way!

If anyone's got any more rules for survival in Weatherfield then put 'em in the comments box and I'll jot 'em down and pop 'em through everyone's letterbox as soon as I can be bothered!

Tweeter me here loveys! Bye.