Coronation Street Weekly Update, June 8 2009

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. This week the update hasn’t been fiddling its expenses, it really did need that extra cushion. And yes, ok, it might have been silk-fringed, hand spun by the last remaining virgin in the Outer Hebrides, with silk from the hair of the one-legged mythical bozo-bird who only appears once every 35 years. And yes, it might have cost the price of a small and expensive car, but after all these years of writing the weekly update, you wouldn’t begrudge us a new cushion for the weekly update chair, I’m sure. And anyway, I can’t remember what I did with the receipt. And so, without any further ado, let’s crack on with this week’s Coronation Street update.

Before I start – have you entered the competition to win a case of the new Coronation Street real ale? No? Then have a look here.

Anyway, it’s all go in the Rovers when that Betty, ooh, she really gets on Poppy’s nerves, so much so that Poppy threatens to sack her. Sack Betty? After 40 years behind the bar of the Rovers? When it comes to this particular Corrie cat-fight there could only ever be one winner and it ain’t pretty Poppy. Mind you, I’m sad she’s gone, I was warming to her with her winning smile and sarcastic side but this week she not only sacked Betty but she upset Sean about his weight gain and insulted Steve and Becky. Steve doesn’t know what to do for the best so he does what most men do in his situation, he dithered a bit, waited for someone else to take the lead and then called his mum. There’s no answer from Spain, Liz is obviously out enjoying the etcetera along with her sun and sand. Becky makes Steve’s mind up for him as she throws Poppy out of the pub, by the hair and through the back door. Steve and Sean look on, impressed, and just a little scared. There was some wonderful dialogue from writer Chris Fewtrell in all these raucous Rovers goings-on. Sean: “You have to remember, Betty’s like a vintage wine.” Steve: “What do you mean? She improves with age?” Sean: “No, she turns to vinegar.” And as Poppy gets thrown out of the Rovers she defends herself against Betty who’s slow behind the bar: “You’ve got more chance of moving the Pennines”. Wonderful stuff.

Not so wonderful to this Corrie fan, but perhaps you’ll disagree, who knows? is the David Platt and Gary Windass story. With Audrey and Gail off to Milan, mi-laddo David takes advantage of Audrey’s empty house and broken burglar alarm to set Gary Windass up to rob the place. And in front of Alfeh's portrait too. With Graeme in camouflage up the tree opposite Audrey’s house, it’s all systems go. “Porkpie to Mr Savaloy” says Graeme, using crime codewords as he reports back to David on what’s going on at Audrey’s. But just as Gary is breaking and entering, along comes granddad Ted with Classic FM and a John Grisham novel (was I the only one surprised that Ted reads John Grisham? Not that I have anything against Mr G, I’ve enjoyed his books in the past, but I never had Ted down as a John Grisham reader). Gary’s upstairs looting Audrey’s drawers while Ted’s downstairs doing a spot of house-sitting and so Gary barges out of the house and bumps into Ted who eventually has a heart attack from the shock. Gary finally puts two and two together and realises David’s set him up so he’ll get nicked by the cops while Ma and Mr Windass shuffle around their sofa with a bad expression on their face going “Eeeeh, our Gary”, etc.

Over in the posh part of town, Bill Webster heads to a single’s bar and so does Aunty Pam, only they don’t know first off that each other is there. Bill meets a wealthy woman who’s vowels would never dare be on the flat side and she calls herself Vanessa. Bill rises to the occasion, lies through his teeth, says he was a paratrooper and calls himself Newt. Pam does much the same when she meets an industrial magnate in magnets, she lies and says she’s a concert pianist called Stella: “I was touted as the new Bobby Crush at one time. Liberace in a frock.”

Later, Newt and Stella (aka Bill and Pam) take high tea in a posh hotel with Vanessa and Gilbert. Vanessa wants Newt to visit her foxhole while Gilbert wants Stella’s fingers running up and down his organ. It’s only later in the Rovers when Newt and Stella become Pam and Bill again that they realise they could enjoy each other’s company if they tried. Pam’s not sure, well, after four failed marriages behind her, who would be? And hasn’t Bill failed in the marital department at least twice too?

With Gail in Spain(*), Joe falls mainly on the plain and ordinary kitchen he fitted and it all falls apart in his hands after he goes berserk when he can’t find his painkillers. He’s addicted to them. His lights are on, but he’s not home, his mind is not his own, his heart sweats, his body shakes, another pill is all it takes. Whoa. He likes to think that he’s immune to the stuff but he might as well face it, he’s addicted to the prescription pills from his GP.

(*) I know she's in Italy, not Spain, but the pun wouldn't have worked then.

Someone else who admits his addiction this week is Peter Barlow. Ken gives him a pamphlet (I love that word) about an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and at first Peter resists but then gives in and goes after he loses his temper with little Simon. And that now in Corrie has become Unforgivable Sin No. 34. Unforgivable Sin No. 17, as Poppy would have done well to take heed of, is of course Thou Shalt Not Upset Betty. So Peter’s at the AA meeting and he knows he has to voice those words that he finds hard to say. He swallows, takes a deep breath and finds it in himself to speak out loud and clear. “My name is Peter Barlow. And I’m a…” he falters. “Ex-Naval Officer! Bigamist! Bookie! Twin!” we shouted from the sofa. “..an alcoholic.” Peter admits. Blanche says it’s all well and good saying things without meaning them but it seems like Peter’s trying his best, for now.

And that’s just about that for this week.

Find out more about these Coronation Street Weekly Updates.

Coronation Street writers this week were David Lane, Mark Wadlow, Chris Fewtrell and Peter Whalley.

Glenda
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