Hello. My name is Beverley Crevasse, and I play the hole in David Platt's back garden. You thought that was made using a digger? Oh no. Equity rules demand that any onscreen pits must be played by a union actress, and I have years of experience. I was the grave Jennifer Saunders fell into in Absolutely Fabulous, for example, and I spent much of 2010 jammed full of Silurians. So I was delighted to get a phone call inviting me to appear on the nation's favourite soap opera. Since I was appearing in the back garden of the Platts, and a sinkhole is obviously a significant event, I assumed the part would be fairly large, and I was very happy to appear throughout one episode. However, I've not returned to the set since. The following week I was talked about, but not seen, and in this week's episodes none of the residents of number 8 appeared and absolutely nobody on the Street discussed me. I'm turning to you, as Coronation Street fans, to give me some insight into my continuing role. Have I been sorted? Have I been filled in? Is there at least a nice bit of hazard tape surrounding me to stop small children falling in? Nobody seems to want to tell me, and I can't just wait by the phone forever. They're doing a remake of Alice in Wonderland and I'd quite like to be the rabbit hole, but I can't take on another part if I'm still needed on Corrie. I seriously hope that my character gets some proper resolution and isn't just forgotten about because that would be terrible all round.
I also loved this very carefully framed shot. If you're not familiar with the layout of Salford Quays, if the camera had lifted up about six inches, you'd have seen the metal shard of the Imperial War Museum North poking over the top. Don't hold your breath for another tram coming off the top of that viaduct - the cost of the CGI would bankrupt Granada.
Lenny is BACK! I think it says a lot about the difference between Corrie in the 90s and today that when Vera hired a private detective to find her grandson she considered selling her car to pay for it, while in 2020 Lenny is basically a permanent member of the cast. It's not all bad, because Alexander Kirk gives a great, quirky performance, but still, everyone on the Street seems to have a lot of cash to throw at private investigators at the drop of a hat. Worse, this week he brought the news that Todd is mixed up with criminals and gangsters. There went any hope I had that NuTodd might be something like the pleasing, clever boy he was when he first appeared on the show, rather than the vortex of spite he returned as. I'm sure I'll have my mind changed when he finally appears; after all, this show has a great track record when it comes to villainous gangsters. Who can forget that family of drug dealers who terrorised Ryan and Ali? They were great, weren't they?
It was also nice to see Eileen, quarantined in the Far East, and definitely not in Sue Cleaver's local Thai restaurant. Just out of shot is her takeaway pandan chicken and beef panang.
Eat Out To Help Out. Nicky followed Government advice and decided to keep Pret going, turning up at Daniel's with a selection of takeaway sandwiches. She picked some unbelievably boring fillings though - cheese and pickle in 2020? It couldn't compare with Debbie Webster getting a hummus, jalapeno and rocket bap from Roy's; they really have expanded their menu since Nina took over, haven't they? Anyway, the seductive power of a good bin lid was too much and soon Nicky and Daniel were in bed together because - sigh - it seems she really does like him after all. Quick reminder that they met when he hired her to dress up as his dead wife; that's the behaviour of a man with serious psychological issues and certainly not the kind of person to make you all heart eyes emoji. Daniel's issues have completely changed the way I see him. Gone is the sensitive bookish nerd, in comes Fred West.
This dressmaker's dummy in the background has stopped being an eccentric piece of interior design and has instead taken on sinister overtones. I'm reminded of the one Buffalo Bill had in his basement which he used to sew his suit of women's skin. Daniel also laid into Geoff for using sex workers and for kidding himself that they liked spending time with him, a rant that might have had some substance if that wasn't exactly what Daniel did. Just because you didn't actually have sex with her it doesn't make you some innocent. You still paid a human being to fulfil your own personal wants and desires with no regard for her as a person. Nicky should be running a mile, a fact that was underlined when, after their afternoon delight, Daniel returned to his habit of phoning her over and over again like a stalker. Take that money, take Chrissie Rogers, and run far and fast. This whole storyline is annoying and rubbish and adding in another hospital visit and another robbery doesn't make it any better.
A leopard can change its spots. Have you noticed that Tracy Barlow is, well, nice now? She seems to have embraced Emma as another daughter, she spends hours at the hospital with Steve, and she is generally supportive and caring. This is what middle-age does for you, I suppose. Fortunately she's not entirely soft, and seems to be the only one with a level head around Oliver's treatment. Tracy was the only person to enquire what exactly they planned on living on once they'd sold all their worldly possessions to pay for his trip to Germany; she didn't quite use the phrase "throwing good money after bad" but we could tell she was thinking it. And she still has an acid tongue underneath, as evidenced by her banter with Jenny Bradley about the members of Eternal (Jenny bummed a tampon off Vernie at the Hacienda!). When she was reminded that they were at Wethy Comp at the same time, she responded "were you one of the dinner ladies?", although in fairness to Trace, she had a different head then so she's probably having trouble remembering. Tracy really couldn't go any further down the EVIL route - she's still an actual murderer, don't forget - so softening her edges and making her a cynical but adorable character feels absolutely right.
This week's blog is a day late because the show was so terrible this week I struggled to think of five things I wanted to say about it. If you want to hear my opinions on Brian and Mary's flower debates, Abi and Peter's secret rendezvous, or Michael and Toyah holding a businessman hostage, contact me on Twitter @merseytart. Warning: it may contain adult language.
