You can't fake chemistry. There's something wonderful about the interactions between David and Sarah-Lou. It always has a real feeling of family about it. Tina O'Brien and Jack P Shepherd have worked together for twenty years, on and off, and have grown up together, and you really feel it when they chat onscreen. It has that teasing, affectionate, easy chat of siblings. They've got over that time David tried to kill himself to ruin her wedding or when Sarah-Lou got pregnant by David's wife's psycho drug dealer ex and now they're brother and sister, supportive, cheery, loving.
Which is good, because David needs all the support he can get, married to the nightmare that is Shona. Can we have the old one back please? This burping, stripping weirdo is plain annoying. I don't remember Nicky Tilsley's brain injury turning him into a rampant sex monster, but I guess that would mean he'd develop a personality, so it's not really a surprise. Shona seems to be permanently horny, whipping up her top and trying to desecrate Maxine's bench at three in the afternoon in full view of Jenny Bradley. David politely declined her advances, because he is a gentleman, but I worry that Shona will encounter someone a bit less dignified and the mood will take her. Let's be honest, if she offered herself up on a plate to Peter Barlow, he'd probably accept. She also had a good old leer at David's backside and tried to get Nina to join in. Nina wasn't impressed, but then he was wearing those baggy jeans at the time; have a look at it bouncing up and down in white pants on Twitter and get back to us.
Get a work/life balance. While Yasmeen's in prison there's probably nobody to run the Community Centre. So well done to Underworld for volunteering to take up the slack and host all those events - payback, I suppose, for when they shoved a load of machines in the centre and made it into a factory. It's not really a workplace now, it's more of a drop-in centre, with anybody and everybody wandering in to have a chat and a catch up. Poor Beth's trying to stitch together fifty gussets before hometime and not get distracted by a dozen pensioners doing an Over 60s Aerobicise session in the factory kitchen. Mary took this to its logical limit this week by bringing Sean a three course meal complete with wine to be consumed on the premises. Presumably the gypsy violinist and dessert trolley are just off camera.
Sean needed cheering up because he was so deeply concerned about his close friend Todd, despite not having shown the slightest bit of interest in his whereabouts for the last two years. He wasn't even that pally with him when he vanished, what with him stealing Sean's boyfriend and everything. I'm not saying he'd actively want him to fall into a canal but this moping around is all a bit much. I suppose he's just living for the drama of it all; when Todd does return unscathed it'll all be a tremendous let-down.
There's a Ray of light. Alright, he's a sex pest. I'm not denying that. But can we keep Ray? Because he's great. He's got a roguish charm and real charisma, combined with a sharp edge that could make him a pleasing adversary for the residents. He seemed to show genuine concern for Daniel this week which shows personal growth. I know he tried to coerce Michelle into sex but come on, he's only human; all heterosexual men fall under the spell of the Exalted Queen of the Universe, and some of the homosexual ones too. You can't resist a woman like that. And even though he coerced Kevin into handing over the deeds to the garage, he's not actually done anything with it, and seems to be letting Webster's Autocentre carry on as if nothing happened. Let's forgive and forget, eh? Maybe we can send him to a sex addiction clinic or something. Claudia will probably pay for it, she's paid for everyone else's.
Show her the money. There are a lot of things that annoy me about this Daniel plot. Firstly, it annoys me that she's called Nicky, when there's already a Nicky in the programme; he can say he's called "Nick" all he likes but I refuse to budge on this. Did Ivy Tilsley call him "Nick"? No she did not. Secondly, the casual use of the word "prozzie" by Adam's solicitor mate was really nasty. Thirdly, "tart with a heart falls for her client" is a horrible, male fantasy storyline, a fairy tale that a prostitute was just going through the motions until she met Our Hero and realised what true love and passion was because he was just so good. It's gross, and I'd have liked Nicky to give Daniel a brutally frank talking to about the necessary boundaries between client and sex worker rather than melting under his charm offensive.
Daniel seems to be under the impression that because he's not actually having sex with Nicky this makes it all wholesome fun. No, you're paying a woman to indulge your desires, and whether its making her dress up as your dead wife and listen to you monologue about a toddler or it's being tied up and spanked with a stick of rhubarb it's still not a healthy equal relationship. I think we're meant to sympathise with Daniel but the whole thing is so creepy and revolting I want it to end. If the producers had any courage he'd turn completely psycho - he did once shove his own father down the stairs, after all - but they don't seem to be going down that route. Maybe Adam will intervene properly, or at the very least ask Daniel where the hell he's been getting the money to pay for these dress up sessions.
Crime does pay. So we finally discovered what Scott (terrible name) and Johnny's secret was: they'd done a robbery years ago where a security guard died. Scott went down for it, but Johnny got away, and then hid in shame for not standing up and doing his bird (is that the phrase? I'm sorry, I'm too middle class for all this crime chat). Do you think this is the same robbery Billy did and got away with, and nobody's put two and two together? After all if they were all wearing ski masks who knows who was under there. Johnny and Sean had a chat and it seemed bygones were bygones but when has that ever been true in a soap opera? No doubt he'll be blackmailing Johnny by the end of the month, and there'll be a hostage situation in the pub on Bonfire Night. "Some friendships are best left in the past" Johnny lamented to Carla, and she agreed, and talked about that time she went to a school reunion. Who is writing Carla these days? Absolutely no way on earth would Carla Connor go to a school reunion, unless it was to burn the gym down with everyone inside a la Carrie. Between this and the recorder chat of a couple of weeks ago I'm wondering if she's being sent the wrong script pages and those were lines destined for Fiz or something. The writers have certainly forgotten she's a vulnerable person, because while they ostentatiously made sure we knew Tracy has been shielding for three months to protect her Moroccan kidney, Carla's been larking about all over the Street and even going to work. Apparently she's not bothered what happens to the last living bit of Aidan, but I guess we already knew that from the gallons of red wine she consumes.
Oh look I wrote all that and completely forgot to mention Geoff oh what a shame never mind. Complaints via Twitter @merseytart.
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