Oh loveys, another ex Streetcars driver has
been arrested as an obsessive loon! What is it with this place? First
John Stape and now flamin’ Karl!
Mind you, the wedding went smoothly for Weatherfield cos at least the food was actually
served, normally it’s a crisis at the service or a last minute
change of heart and the cling-film stays tightly wrapped around the butties!
I
was flamin’ devastated the party was cut short though cos I’d been practicing me twerking and I was hoping
to bust some of me moves on’t bistro dance floor after a couple of gins! I even
put on a pair of support tights so I din’t twerk one of me backside cheeks
free and take somebody out with an
unfettered buttock - that happened to me friend Bernice at the Flying Horse when
one of her bosoms wrestled free from the constraints of her brassiere when she were mid-twerk and killed a
pensioner, it was a right to do that was!
Yes loveys, thanks to Jason and Dev’s
investigations it transpired that Karl ignited Stella’s downstairs regions and
killed two people! Now that if that in’t a crime of passion I don’t know what
is!
Still at least it means we won’t be seeing
any more of Karl’s annoying mate, Tez! Oh loveys, he din’t half get on me wick
with his busy face. He had a different facial expression for every word he
flamin’ uttered! That’s why the best-man’s speech took so long, he was so busy
flamin’ gurning he could barely get his words out!
 |
| Tez at the wedding. |
Stella’ll be walking round milking this for
all it’s worth, inviting folk to come round’t back with her while she paps on
about how she was taken in by him and how she was wrong to blame Sunita and all that
palaver! Just what we need I don’t flamin’ think!
“Eee LeeeAnnnnnne, ‘ow cud ‘e do it to me?
‘Ow could ‘e blertently laah to mi. The whole thing’z bin a pack of lahzz!”
Thank Cliff Stella and Carla don’t flamin’
talk much, I’d have trouble following the conversations...
“This is maa pub and maa rules!”
“Well this is maa fak’treh and ahl ‘ave a
glass of red wahn!”
“Well ah was threatened bah Kaaarl!”
“Well ah was threatened bah Tone-eh Gordon and ah've lost everyone ah've ever loved in't past!”
“Well ah once had a relationship with Les
Battersbehh!”
“Ah can’t compete wi’ that! I’ll ‘ave
another glass of red wahn please…”
Apparently Karl threatened Stella with a
lighter and a bottle of flamin’ brandy! That dun’t sound like a threat to me,
it sounds like a belting night in! If he’d really wanted to threaten her he’d
have held a bit of colour next to her and watched her shrink away in case
it interfered with her beigeness!
 |
| Get back or I'll slightly singe her hair with this small disposable lighter! |
Audrey’s having a belting time with Marcus,
Maria, Liam and Ozzy at the flat. Every night Audrey curls up with a hairy
beast to remind herself of those precious days she spent with Lewis’s ample
head of hair!
She’s staying there while Owen – who looks
like he’s lost a bit of weight to me – destroys her house cos of damp and charges her to patch it all up again! Audrey's always suffered with damp but it was always resolved with her drinking less fluids and a TENA Lady!
I must say loveys, Sally‘s a lucky mare
in’t she? She’s having afternoon tutti frutti sessions with that tasty Tim –
good work if you can get it! I’ve seen her out in’t Rovers plying him with
Newton and Ridley so he’ll be too leathered to make it back to his own house!
You mark me words, that fandangling will end in tears and they won’t be Tim’s - unless she tells him one of her anecdotes and then he'll be weeping for mercy!
Leanne is beside herself what with her Nick
being in’t hospital. She’s been told that due to the severity of his injuries
he could have a different personality when he comes round! Add to that the fact
that he’s changed his face umpteen flamin’ times and it’s no wonder she’s
worried! It could be like being married to a completely different flamin’
fella!
 |
| Nick is recovering well in Weatherfield General! |
I can’t go without saying how absolutely
devastated I was when I found out about our Hayles and her illness. She’s been
like a ray of light illuminating even the darkest of hearts and I'll miss her
when she finally sheds that red coat of hers and joins our Elsie, Jack and Vera in that snug in the sky. She's one of them special people that's made Weatherfield the greatest place in’t world to live and work (unless yer in a relationship with Gail and then Weatherfield's a dark treacherous place full of knife crime and drowning!)
 |
| One careful owner... |
Cliff bless Hayley and Cliff bless you too. And remember loveys, ‘tis better to live a moment as a Carla than a lifetime as an Eileen.
I'm on tweeter here. www.twitter.com/fatbrenda
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9 comments:
Ah Bren, thanks for putting the mental image of you twerking into my head...not sure if I'll ever recover.
x
It's been so-oo-oo-oo.....long and well worth the wait!!! Almost needed a TENA like Audrey -oh Fat Brenda there is no one like you. LOL at the Eileen dig at the end.
I don't know about "slightly singing" Stella's hair. There was so much hairspray and fake hair piece in it that it didn't move even after a ride in Dev's convertible. A spark would have sent it up in flames like a blowtorch!
Brenda you have surpassed yourself. Brilliant post.
I'm still laughing at Stella and Carla's convo (I love Carla) lol
Classic. Flippin' love you, Bren! I think "tis better to live a moment as Carla than a lifetime as Eileen," may become my new motto!
OK, well now we need a new cast member, Fat Brenda. My suggestion for this role would be the one and only Tina Malone, (Mimi Maguire of Shameless). She'd be a cracker!!
Thanks for the belly laugh Fat Brenda, you're a riot. The truth is funniest, and you know funny.
Just picturing you twerking about the dancefloor (maybe to the sound of Cliff Richard singing 'Congratulations') brings a big smile to my face.
Been awhile Brenda, but well worth the wait! Absolutely brilliant as per.
Fat Brenda, I'm just recovering from a horrible cold and really needed this! Especially this:
"Every night Audrey curls up with a hairy beast to remind herself of those precious days she spent with Lewis’s ample head of hair!"
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