Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Sunday 15 September 2013

Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

Oh loveys, another ex Streetcars driver has been arrested as an obsessive loon! What is it with this place? First John Stape and now flamin’ Karl!

Mind you, the wedding went smoothly for Weatherfield cos at least the food was actually served, normally it’s a crisis at the service or a last minute change of heart and the cling-film stays tightly wrapped around the butties!

I was flamin’ devastated the party was cut short though cos I’d been practicing me twerking and I was hoping to bust some of me moves on’t bistro dance floor after a couple of gins! I even put on a pair of support tights so I din’t twerk one of me backside cheeks free and take somebody out with an unfettered buttock - that happened to me friend Bernice at the Flying Horse when one of her bosoms wrestled free from the constraints of her brassiere when she were mid-twerk and killed a pensioner, it was a right to do that was!

Yes loveys, thanks to Jason and Dev’s investigations it transpired that Karl ignited Stella’s downstairs regions and killed two people! Now that if that in’t a crime of passion I don’t know what is!

Still at least it means we won’t be seeing any more of Karl’s annoying mate, Tez! Oh loveys, he din’t half get on me wick with his busy face. He had a different facial expression for every word he flamin’ uttered! That’s why the best-man’s speech took so long, he was so busy flamin’ gurning he could barely get his words out!
Tez at the wedding.
Stella’ll be walking round milking this for all it’s worth, inviting folk to come round’t back with her while she paps on about how she was taken in by him and how she was wrong to blame Sunita and all that palaver! Just what we need I don’t flamin’ think!

“Eee LeeeAnnnnnne, ‘ow cud ‘e do it to me? ‘Ow could ‘e blertently laah to mi. The whole thing’z bin a pack of lahzz!”

Thank Cliff Stella and Carla don’t flamin’ talk much, I’d have trouble following the conversations...

“This is maa pub and maa rules!”
“Well this is maa fak’treh and ahl ‘ave a glass of red wahn!”
“Well ah was threatened bah Kaaarl!”
“Well ah was threatened bah Tone-eh Gordon and ah've lost everyone ah've ever loved in't past!”
“Well ah once had a relationship with Les Battersbehh!”
“Ah can’t compete wi’ that! I’ll ‘ave another glass of red wahn please…”

Apparently Karl threatened Stella with a lighter and a bottle of flamin’ brandy! That dun’t sound like a threat to me, it sounds like a belting night in! If he’d really wanted to threaten her he’d have held a bit of colour next to her and watched her shrink away in case it interfered with her beigeness!
Get back or I'll slightly singe her hair with this small disposable lighter!
Audrey’s having a belting time with Marcus, Maria, Liam and Ozzy at the flat. Every night Audrey curls up with a hairy beast to remind herself of those precious days she spent with Lewis’s ample head of hair!

She’s staying there while Owen – who looks like he’s lost a bit of weight to me – destroys her house cos of damp and charges her to patch it all up again! Audrey's always suffered with damp but it was always resolved with her drinking less fluids and a TENA Lady!

I must say loveys, Sally‘s a lucky mare in’t she? She’s having afternoon tutti frutti sessions with that tasty Tim – good work if you can get it! I’ve seen her out in’t Rovers plying him with Newton and Ridley so he’ll be too leathered to make it back to his own house! You mark me words, that fandangling will end in tears and they won’t be Tim’s - unless she tells him one of her anecdotes and then he'll be weeping for mercy!
Leanne is beside herself what with her Nick being in’t hospital. She’s been told that due to the severity of his injuries he could have a different personality when he comes round! Add to that the fact that he’s changed his face umpteen flamin’ times and it’s no wonder she’s worried! It could be like being married to a completely different flamin’ fella!
Nick is recovering well in Weatherfield General!
I can’t go without saying how absolutely devastated I was when I found out about our Hayles and her illness. She’s been like a ray of light illuminating even the darkest of hearts and I'll miss her when she finally sheds that red coat of hers and joins our Elsie, Jack and Vera in that snug in the sky. She's one of them special people that's made Weatherfield the greatest place in’t world to live and work (unless yer in a relationship with Gail and then Weatherfield's a dark treacherous place full of knife crime and drowning!)

One careful owner...
Cliff bless Hayley and Cliff bless you too. And remember loveys, ‘tis better to live a moment as a Carla than a lifetime as an Eileen.

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cheekie said...

Ah Bren, thanks for putting the mental image of you twerking into my head...not sure if I'll ever recover.


ChiaGwen said...

It's been so-oo-oo-oo.....long and well worth the wait!!! Almost needed a TENA like Audrey -oh Fat Brenda there is no one like you. LOL at the Eileen dig at the end.

Tvor said...

I don't know about "slightly singing" Stella's hair. There was so much hairspray and fake hair piece in it that it didn't move even after a ride in Dev's convertible. A spark would have sent it up in flames like a blowtorch!

Anonymous said...

Brenda you have surpassed yourself. Brilliant post.

I'm still laughing at Stella and Carla's convo (I love Carla) lol

Clare said...

Classic. Flippin' love you, Bren! I think "tis better to live a moment as Carla than a lifetime as Eileen," may become my new motto!

JD25 said...

OK, well now we need a new cast member, Fat Brenda. My suggestion for this role would be the one and only Tina Malone, (Mimi Maguire of Shameless). She'd be a cracker!!

Unknown said...

Thanks for the belly laugh Fat Brenda, you're a riot. The truth is funniest, and you know funny.
Just picturing you twerking about the dancefloor (maybe to the sound of Cliff Richard singing 'Congratulations') brings a big smile to my face.

Anonymous said...

Been awhile Brenda, but well worth the wait! Absolutely brilliant as per.

maggie muggins said...

Fat Brenda, I'm just recovering from a horrible cold and really needed this! Especially this:

"Every night Audrey curls up with a hairy beast to remind herself of those precious days she spent with Lewis’s ample head of hair!"


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