Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Sunday 11 July 2021

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Calm down, vicar.  Look at that picture up there.  That is Billy, Archdeacon of Weatherfield, trying to violate the Church of England's teachings on homosexuality in the clergy by tempting Todd to bed for a game of put the votive candle in the chapel.  Absolute filth.  This was the second time he'd broken canon law just this week, as he also accepted Todd's marriage proposal.  Clergy can't get married - they can have a civil partnership, but they're not allowed to have sex, and as we can see up there, there's no way Billy is going more than eight hours without taking someone up the Apse.  He Is permanently Risen.  Back when he was living in sin with Paul he said there was no way he could marry him because they couldn't do it in a church; Todd flashes a bit of jewellery at him and he immediately changes his mind.  I guess sometimes a man drops to his knees and shows you a ring and you can't say no.

As is required by Soap Laws, nobody can be happy for more than eighteen minutes, and they'd barely broken open the prosecco before Will was back to pin threatening notes on the door and stalk Summer.  (Incidentally, Summer, if you think a man is following you, it's probably not wise to head straight for a dark ginnel.  I'm not going to victim blame here but have a bit of common sense, love).  Will is here to inveigle his way into the florist flat and extract huge amounts of money from Todd.  Personally I can't take him seriously as a threat because, with his big eyes, straight hair and fondness for running around dressed in black, he looks like Toffle from The Moomins.

Todd is already desperate to stop him, and tried to rob the funeral parlour, because undertakers are famously swimming in cash.  Just give him a Mr Kipling almond slice Todd and he'll go away quite happily; we've all seen the advert.

Hands, face, space. It's only taken them a year and a half but finally, eventually, we've got a COVID storyline on Corrie!  Topical stuff - presumably they'll mention England in the Euros in about, oooh, 2023?  (Actually I've got my fingers crossed for a swiftly filmed insert in tomorrow's show, where David and Steve discuss the result in a badly lit empty room).  I know the show is escapism and everything but the entire pandemic has been nothing more than a minor irritation in Weatherfield; a couple of bottle of hand sanitisers that never get used and the odd mask and that's your lot.  Finally, though, we've got an actual plotline, as the pressure of shielding with only Toby Hadoke for company has caused Izzy to have a breakdown.  It was probably around the point he made her watch Time-Flight for the fourth time.  It's lucky Jake is an entirely invisible child and is therefore easy to look after or this whole situation could have an adverse effect on him.  I'm glad we're getting this storyline, not least because it's good to have people actually discussing knickers in the knicker factory after all those months of people using it as a drop-in centre (Sally even used a machine!), but also because I'm nervous as hell about "Freedom Day" and everyone dropping their masks in the bin and phlegming all over people on the bus.  Perhaps seeing Izzy's stress and worry about the idea of returning to a society where the coronavirus is still an active threat might encourage some viewers to keep up with the handwashing and social distancing for a while longer.

Talk it up.  So are there going to be absolutely no repercussions from the Double Glammy scam whatsoever?  No police investigation, no visit from the Fraud Squad, no irate Rupinder hammering on Sean's door demanding justice?  Just a bit in the Wethy Gazette and everything's sorted.  I was at least hoping that Welsh bloke in the camel coat would make a return appearance to smack Sean about a bit.  The only downside is that Sean can no longer afford the rent on his apartment in Redbank, which will thrill Sarah and Adam who've got sick of hearing Lana del Ray through the walls at three in the morning.  He's joined up with George to form a mutual appreciation society, plugging their brilliance into Eileen's brain in the hope that they'll both get something out of it.  I kind of love this storyline, not least because they're finally letting Tony Maudsley be funny; more of this sort of thing, please.  For her part, Eileen has very quickly caught on to their game and is letting them crack on while refusing to give an inch.  With any luck she'll rent her spare room out to Curtis and hook up with Ronnie and George and Sean will be left crying into their beers.

Make Alya Great Again. Look, I know they're trying to drive Ryan into the arms of Daisy, but did they have to make Alya such a miserable shrew this week?  All she did was moan and harangue him.  Part of the problem with the massive cast is that characters vanish for months on end, only resurfacing when they have a new storyline, so pretty much the last time we saw Ryan and Alya together they were battling Geoff.  It would've been nice to see them having a good time as a couple and enjoying their life, because based on this week, I'm not sure what they have in common.  Even so, Ryan definitely deserves better than the pestilent Daisy, quite possibly the most repellent humanoid north of Birmingham; she has exactly zero redeeming features.  At least Tanya Pooley had a bit of vulnerability, trapped in a relationship with a married man, dumped on the Street by her dad.  Daisy is a flint exterior concealing a flint interior and inside that is radioactive waste.

Ryan, of course, is blithely unaware of her machinations, because he's basically a stuffed rabbit that somehow got transformed into a real boy.  He's far more interested in his "Mobile Pub" concept.  I can imagine that extremely trendy bars and clubs found that going on the road was a great way to make money in the pandemic, but the Rovers?  Imagine getting your mates round to recreate thrilling evenings of darts with Kevin Webster and Roy talking about the Mallard's land speed record.  Even their trial event for Simon's eighteenth was positively embarrassing, a load of dry ice in a drizzly park in the middle of the afternoon.  Not exactly Creamfields, is it?

I have decided, by the way, to be classy and write about the Daisy/Alya/Ryan love triangle without mentioning Ryan bouncing around in his pants in Monday's episode.  I don't want to objectify the actor, and it would be extremely vulgar to talk at length about the scene.  I will therefore not discuss Ryan showing off his toned body in a pair of tight blue boxers, stretching and posing and displaying his muscular arms, turning round and looking coquettish while he waved his bubble butt at the camera, then scampering upstairs to no doubt take a long soapy shower.  To do so would be beneath us all and I wouldn't want to lower the tone.

Run while you can.  Natasha took time out from househunting to tell Nicky Tilsley he could look after Sam more often.  I'm not sure why she's being painted as the unreasonable one in this storyline; Sam has lived a lovely quiet life until he discovered his real dad, since when he's been petrified by drug dealers, kidnapped, and had a physical altercation with a gunman.  Never mind Worsley, Natasha should move him to Windhoek where the awful Platt family can't get close.  Or maybe she should send him off with Gail to Thailand; at least Gail seems to care about Sam and hasn't accidentally thrown him off a bridge or something.

Gail departed for Ringway with a couple of bags and a massive hair care kit; Audrey rightly realised that the humidity of South East Asia would make maintaining that helmet incredibly difficult.  Shona encouraged her to take a young lover while she was out there - meanwhile, in another storyline, Eileen revealed that Jason, who lives in Thailand, had been swindled out of his savings in a scam.  I'm calling it now.  Gail's going to spend the next three months in Phuket using Jason as her personal sex toy, spending Ted's money to keep him dangling - our very own Per Una Joan Collins.  Can't you just imagine Jason massaging her on the beach, stripped to the waist and showing off his oiled up pecs, then Gail handing him a few hundred baht and telling him to buy himself something pretty?  Cougar Gail would be an amazing development, and more especially, it would drive Eileen and Sarah-Lou nuts.  

The author definitely hasn't been thinking about Ryan in his pants all week, definitely not, and you can check his Twitter feed @merseytart for proof.

All original work on Coronation Street Blog is covered by a Creative Commons License


Louby said...

Your blog posts are always brilliant but this one is even better!

Daisy does indeed not have a single likeable thing about her. Please pack them off together to Ibiza or somewhere.

I so hope that comes true with Gail!

Sharon Boothroyd said...

Great post.
I'm not sure if Gail would be allowed medically to fly long haul so soon after a heart attack.
But hey, this is fiction, so it shouldn't matter! But it should matter - it's about the
sending out the right message.
If they can get that message right with Summer's diabetes why not with Gail's flight?
We saw Sally but where were Beth, Sean and Fiz at the factory? Alina and Michael also work there in sales, don't they?
I'd have thought Daisy would want to set her cap at someone with more clout than Ryan. For a long time he's just been Alya's support.
To me, he's no great catch and I don't understand why the 2 women are fighting over him. But Daisy supposed to be a trouble causer so... I can see her getting involved with Gary and them 2 being in a 'power struggle' relationship.
Eileen's mentioned Jason, so does that mean he's returning? I hope so.

Humpty Dumpty said...

Jason won't become Gail's lover. Didn't he try it on with her when he worked for Charlie Stubbs? They won't revisit that one, but he'll be instrumental in Gail's search for happiness. Perhaps to thank her for bailing him out. In three months time, Gail will return with someone charming and evil, who will drive her offspring from her house.

maggie muggins said...

LOL! You're on fire with Five Things again, Scott! Especially because The Moomins and radioactive waste. But all of it. Hysterical! And I don't even care about Ryan in his pants.

Anonymous said...

No, Ryan Thomas is not returning to the show.
You asked why the other factory staff weren't on screen?
It's been said on here many times that for to Covid protocols there cannot be more than 4 people in shot at any one time. Too much thinking too deeply about the long haul flights for Gail too.

Chris h said...

At least ryan has a story again, been like a extra for weeks doing nothing

Chris h said...

At least ryan has a story again, been like a extra for weeks doing nothing

Jack Duckworth said...

Somehow what Paul did was worse than Will almost killing Summer in Billy's eyes.

Jack Duckworth said...

Won't ever feel bad for Todd. He caused his own mess by grooming a child and gaslighting Billy. Not that Paul's all that likeable either mind.


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