Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Saturday 3 July 2021

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Gail needs a circuit break.  This week we got the rarest of soap opera plotlines, the "comedy heart attack".  Gail was crippled with a life threatening ailment and the cast and crew did everything but slap their thighs in amusement.  Stop it.  This is Gail Potter-Tilsley-Platt-Hillman-Platt-McIntyre-LesDennis, icon of this parish, and she deserves better than singing about octopuses and pulling exasperated faces in a dressing gown.  She deserves better than her ratty, whinging family insulting her and dumping their children on her.  She deserves better than a mother guzzling all her grapes and talking about benign neglect.  Gail should push them down the sinkhole, every single one of them, then quietly fill it in and get on with her life.  If she turns up the volume on her playlist it should drown the screams until they run out of oxygen and die.

I've so far resisted the general dislike of smartarse Sam, mainly because he reminds me way too much of myself at that age, but his ability to know everything is really testing my resolve.  He correctly diagnosed Gail's heart attack this week, purely by looking at her; in next week's episodes he'll correctly guess there's dirt in the pumps at the Rovers by measuring the head on the bitter and build a perpetual motion machine in the Community Gardens that will solve Britain's energy crisis.  He finally alerted his rowing father and uncle about Granny Gail's collapse and they rushed out to help, leading to another of those socially distant scenes of insanity that you'd think they'd have worked out how to film around after a whole year of restrictions.  Gail clutched at her chest and clung to the garden fence and Nicky, David and Sarah-Lou all stood two metres away and watched.  David even took a seat on the cobbles.  Invite Helen Worth's husband in and put him in Nicky's jacket so he can hug her; have Sarah-Lou cuddle a wig on a stick.  Something to make it look like they care.

Get it?  Got it?  Good!  Daisy's latest shenanigans saw her try to deprive Sean of any work in the Rovers.  For some reason, the rest of the staff were sad about this; personally I'd have poured myself a pint of Baileys in celebration.  Through a convoluted scheme involving hot dog food, Kirk talking about nail files, and Gemma shouting a lot, they managed to get him his job back, but not before Jenny Bradley finally demonstrated the steel core every pub landlady needs.  Her tenure as Queen of the Rovers has been undermined repeatedly, first by Johnny's criminal and sexual shenanigans, then by the pandemic clearing out all her customers.  She's seemed a bit vulnerable and weak.  However, now she's got 100% of the pub, Jenny discovered her inner Bet Gilroy, and delivered a blistering lecture to her staff that put them all in their place and reminded them who was boss.  She also told Daisy to shove her 5% share up her backside into the bargain.  More of this Jenny, please, and less of the weepy wreck.  And when she eventually lets Johnny back in - come on, it's definitely happening, right? - I hope she makes it very clear that she is in charge, and he's basically only there to change the barrels.

Pour out a glass and relax.  Alina and Tyrone's baby nonsense threaded its way through the week's events, setting off little explosions every time it was mentioned, causing damage every step of the way.  As always, I am irritated by the complete lack of consideration given to a termination, as this couple of all of a couple of months decided they wanted to be bound together by a tiny British-Romanian baby.  (I was also intrigued by Fiz's revelation that Tyrone had previously been scrupulous about contraception, raising the sad thought that it wasn't that he didn't want more children, he just didn't want them with Fiz).  To be frank, it's difficult to take anything they say in that hairdresser's flat seriously while they've got a six foot poster of them cosplaying Danny and Sandy looming down at them the whole time.  

Fiz did the right thing on Friday and went out on the lash with Maria where they could talk about how awful men are and generally air their dirty laundry.  It was a lovely scene, and one we could do with more of, where people just hash stuff out and reflect and try and cope with their traumas.  It also contained some of those amusing moments where you're reminded what astonishing lives these people lead, like when Maria suggested Alina might like Tyrone's reliability "because she was trafficked".  Incidentally, I've only just realised that Maria is now called Maria Windass.  Poor cow.  She proudly declared that her and Gary were now solid and she trusted him completely.  Somewhere, a bell tolled ominously.

Everybody out.  James and the rest of the Bailey clan are back - even Aggie!  Hurray!  I wonder what this means.  A lovely, heartwarming story of the family reuniting?  Perhaps a dramatic storyline as Aggie deals with the mistrust Ed felt after learning of her dalliance with Ronnie?  Oh no, hang on, it's James-centred so of course, it's all to do with GAYS.  James has been in the show for two years and in all that time he's only had a couple of his own storylines.  These were:
    2019: Gay

and then:

    2020: Still gay

Beyond that all he's done is loiter on the sidelines looking gormless or shocked, depending on the current issue the rest of the family are dealing with.  Now it's time for his 2021 storyline, and it involved him finally outing himself at the world's most depressing press conference.  There have been appeals from sobbing parents to find their missing children that have been filled with more spark and charm than Wethy County's naff backdrop in that depressing hotel set.  James finally caved under the pressure of about four questions and outed himself as, yes, a GAY (although he pronounces it as GEH which is a bit distracting); everyone was fine with it and life moved on.  

James's status as Britain's Only Professional Homosexual Footballer - I mean he's a professional footballer, not a professional homosexual; he's still very much an amateur at that level - was accepted by pretty much everyone instantly, with the whole street turning out to watch him snog and Tyrone reporting that the fan sites were 80/20 in favour.  We never actually heard from the 20% though, which is weird.  Yes, there was mention of a single offensive Tweet, before he came out properly, but that was it.  I'm not saying that Chesney should've spat on him in the Street or Kevin should've shouted "backs to the walls" as he passed, but in the real world there are no out professional footballers in the UK.  There are two explanations for this - either gays can't play football, or there are massive societal pressures on them to remain closeted, and that sounds like something that would be interesting to explore.  How about the club weren't blindly supportive of James, and asked him to withdraw his statement because the sponsors didn't like it?  How about we got Steve and Tim idly speculating what it must be like to have a gay man in among all the naked team mates in the showers after the match?  How about Evelyn saying she didn't mind what he got up to behind closed doors, but she didn't see why he had to make such a song and dance about it, couldn't he just get on with things without having to shove it in everybody's faces?  A little bit of homophobia to demonstrate why James would've struggled to be public about all this, because to be honest, everything was so sunshine and roses it was difficult to see why he made such a fuss.  Even Ed's perfectly fine with James having Danny over for a night of hot sex under his roof, telling him to come by any time.  Danny is a chef now, by the way, and it seems there's a vacancy at the bistro.  What are the odds, eh?

Break out the prosecco.  They still won't let Jane Danson take any time off, as even though the whole Harvey storyline was finished, the producers promptly forced her into the studios to celebrate Leanne's birthday.  Do you think everyone in the show is on a zero hours contract, and they turn up at the studio gates to see if there's any work in the morning, and Jane is just always there first?  It would explain why characters vanish for months at a time - they arrive that little bit too late.  Anyway, Leanne turned 40 on Friday, and she bravely pushed through being incredibly miserable to celebrate it a little bit.  Toyah turned up with her gifts and I was reminded how resolutely middle-class these two formerly scrappy ratbags are now.  Their days of prostituting, shoplifting and general hellraising are well behind them; imagine going back to 1998 Leanne and telling her that her birthday present from her sister was some candles and an artisan chocolate experience.  She'd have flatly rejected them in favour of a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and a packet of Superkings.  I know there's no chance of Les ever returning to the show, but wouldn't it be interesting to have him return and see his daughters in their world of floral prints and pale wood and understated elegance?  He'd spill Carling down their overstuffed sofa, make a borderline racist remark about Imran, and have to be taken away by the police while the girls hid in the bedroom until he was gone.  The Battersbys can still fight with the best of them but the difference is when they whack you over the head with their handbag these days, it's from John Lewis.

Sadly I didn't have time to go into the sale of Underworld to Carla, mainly because I don't have a PhD in Applied Mathematics and therefore can't deduce who owns what at that factory and in what percentage.  I am currently working on it though, so follow me on Twitter @merseytart for when I publish the full Excel spreadsheet.  

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Humpty Dumpty said...

The sale of Nick's shares to Carla went through far too easily - even by Corrie standards - so that arrangement's obviously going to fall apart. Maybe Peter will need so much of Carla's time that she will be forced to sell 50% of her shares to Sarah. Of course Johnny and Jenny will reconcile. They are one of the very few matches made in heaven on Corrie. I wouldn't mind Jenny as a solo act in the Rovers but Johnny adds humour to their relationship along with the drama. Now, Gail's exit set me thinking. Maybe Helen Worth is leaving but that didn't seem a very fond farewell to a Corrie legend. She'll be back and have someone in tow who will keep her offspring in line. I can't think it would be Martin Platt. Maybe somebody she meets through Jason Grimshaw who I think is still in Thailand? If Gail does have a new beau, I'd like it to be somebody known for comedy. We need another good double-act.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the tolling bell will be the truth about Gary sabotaging the factory roof which resulted in it's collapse resulting in Rana's death[one can hope.]?
Although I'm glad they made up,Fiz had no right to throw Evelyn out of her grandson's Tyrone's house[in the real world Fiz wouldn't have a claim].
Evelyn has been supportive to Fiz throughout the break up and deserves better than a threat of eviction.

Anonymous said...

Fizz would have a claim to the house, because of the kids. They still need a roof over their heads and that's what Tyrone is providing. Corrie are portraying this right. Theoretically Tyrone could kick Fizz out, but not whilst she is caring for the kids

Sharon Boothroyd said...

Great post.
But why is Imran dealing with Kirsty's estate? I'm a bit puzzled by that.
I don't think they know what to do with Gail.
Maybe they're gradually reducing the number of older characters. Elaine was shuffled off pretty quickly - and she was fab. I'd much rather watch her than Gail, who does nowt but moan.
She's been grumbling about her family taking advantage for years. Yet strangely, regarding childcare, Sarah's Harry is never mentioned.
I don't understand why Gail doesn't move out, find her own place and pursue her own interests. I suppose she represents a certain kind of dedicated mum/ grandma whose life is dominated by family.
Gail's a long way from the cheerful lodger of Elsie Tanner and courting Brian Tisley!
I reckon Helen worth has got fed- up of being stuck in that whingy role. So they're packing her off to Thailand again.
She'll probably drop down to 2 months work a year before Gail retires there with a new beau (who we never meet).
I'd like to see Johnny and Jenny reconcile. I knew smarmy Daisy and feckless Ryan would get together, why not pair up Debbie Webster and Ronnie?

Karen said...

I recall when Ollie was dying, they had his real mommy holding his hand, supposed to be Leanne. Why can't they put loved ones with their backs turned in the scenes. Meanwhile the real people are all over each other in the streets....

Karen said...

When Ollie lay dying they had his real mommy holding his hand, all be it, the rest of her out of camera range. Why can't they have loved ones doing scenes with their backs to camera? Meanwhile, the REAL people are all over each other in the streets on a night out. (Newfoundland is going to let fully vaxxed people into the province again. Why not actors in scenes?)

Anonymous said...

Why be puzzled by Imran dealing with Kirsty's estate? He's a lawyer, that's what they do

Sharon Boothroyd said...

Surely Kirsty's family would have chosen a solicitor near them instead?
Isn't Imran's a criminal barrister?
If so, in the real world, he wouldn't deal with wills and sorting a deceased's estate.
He and Adam seem to cover every single area of the law under the sun! From divorce settlements to murder charges.
This isn't done in reality. Most have an area of expertise.
Barristers charge a lot too, so not many working class folk could actually afford to engage them.
I would have thought a barrister would have a chambers, not run- down office with a tatty painted door, in an insignificant terraced street.

Anonymous said...

They could not find any family for Kirsty, hence the reason Tyrone got involved, so it makes sense to use a solicitor on your doorstep.
They may not necessarily specialise in wills, but I'm sure they will have some knowledge of this. I think you may be thinking too deeply into this

Anonymous said...

Jeanie (anon): I thought Johnny was leaving the show. Since he has not, but rather just moved across the street, I'm anticipating a demented stalker plotline for him, not reconciliation with Jenny. Why else has he stayed on the show, in his weirdly diminished roLe? Hard to recognize the hotshot high-flying factory owner in this impoverished, broken down old man.

On a different note--I think people take things too seriously some times. Of course, Imran and Adam are going to handle all the legal work on the street, even if that is not realistic in terms of their specializations. That's why they are there and one of the ways they're woven into the multiple plots! Just like everyone manages to get an appointment at the medical
centre or see Dr. Gaddas at a moment's notice. She even did a consult over Summer in the middle of dinner! Or Tyrone and Alina off to the midwife's about 10 minutes after the pregnancy test! The U.K must have the world's quickest health service, LOL. But we're not supposed to look closely because the writers do these things to accelerate the plot.

Anonymous said...

Here, here. I agree.


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