Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Au Revoir, Ryan

And that's the end of Eddie Munster Ryan for now.  Once the sainted Michelle gave her blessing, he couldn't get out of town fast enough, taking a train that wouldn't get to Glasgow until midnight, even though there are perfectly serviceable services on a Saturday morning.  Fortunately, like so many students who transfer universities a month after term begins, he has a space in halls waiting for him.

Ryan's always been a sensitive boy.  He came into the Street as a budding Linford Christie, with much being made of his athletic ambitions; that was quietly dropped, presumably because Ben Thompson doesn't look like he's ever spent more than four minutes in the sun in his life.  Instead, Ryan developed an interest in console games, leading to many hilarious scenes where he would beat Steve or Liam at Pro Championship Death Wizard Four.  The console always came in handy when an adult was required to talk to Ryan after the death of yet another one of his relatives: they could sit beside him on the sofa and make awkward chit-chat while Ryan stared vacantly into the distance.

As he matured, Ryan inherited the Busby wig recently abandoned by Adam Barlow, and was able to combine it with his naturally pallid skin to give a charming Frankenstein's Monster effect, which livened up his scenes no end.  He also had a best mate in a wheelchair, who stopped visiting when Michelle moved them into the flat over the kebab shop.  Funny that.

The biggest upheaval in Ryan's life came when he started being stalked by a mysterious man in a car.  Rather than being a demented pervert, it transpired that this was his real father, and that he had been switched at birth.  The ramifications of this were enormous, especially when Michelle seemed to prefer the other son over him.  Over the course of eight hundred and twenty thousand episodes, Ryan wrestled with his new found family and identity, while Michelle agonised over how she could have given birth to a son who didn't have shiny black hair.  It caused a huge emotional trauma for the boy, as he was torn between nature and nurture, and was forced to question his entire self.   Then everyone decided to pretend it never happened and no-one mentioned it again.

Having overcome this minor obstacle, Ryan discovered an interest in music, and suddenly acquired a band, consisting of people who have never been seen again.  With bands come groupies, and next thing you know, Ryan and Sian were having underage bunk ups with Michelle's blessing.  Their teenage passions only came to an end when Sian realised that frankly, if the best the male species could offer was him, she'd be better off as a lesbian.  Ryan responded with his usual grace and tact, calling Sian a dyke in the ginnel, all the while doing that weird thing with his eyes darting from side to side like an Eagle Eye Action Man.

So this is goodbye to Ryan, for now; we have been promised return visits in University vacations. Mind you, they said that about Amber and she's been forced to spend her Christmases in a dingy bedsit in that London while Dev romps with his new family.  We'll miss you Ryan.  Without you around, who will Michelle act wholier than thou about now?  Who will Michelle complain to when she's being besieged by another forty thousand lovers?  Who will Michelle kick out onto the street to get some chips while she has a bunkup with the newest tradesman within twenty feet?  You won't get that in Glasgow.  You'll miss it, you know.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! You should always do an ode to useless characters!!!

- Yoork

nana banana said...

Merseytart this is hilarious, made me laugh out loud. Poor Ryan, he wont be missed, if he could just take Michelle with him, the woman whose hands seem to be welded to her hips, that would be perfect!

corrierules said...

I agree with Yoork! Excellent, funny post. Thanks muchly.

bbhilda said...

Wonderful piece of writing. I enjoyed it tremendously. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I wish he would take his Mum (Michelle) and aunt (Carla) with him!!

Defrost Indoors said...

Perfection! Also, the show doesn't seem to handle teen characters well unless they've grown up on the Street, or at least appeared before adolescence hit (compare useless Ryan with Chesney, for instance).

The creepiest thing about the Alex storyline was the feeling that he and Michelle were flirting with each other constantly -- blech.

Anonymous said...

What a great post! Beautifully written and hilarious!

Glenda Young said...

Wonderful!

Tvor said...

Awesome post!!!!! Way better than the character ever was!

DeeDee Eckerslyke said...

Superb character synopsis, thanks for the chuckle!

Anonymous said...

Ha! He really was a useless character... thanks Merseytart!
Rebecca in TO

Anonymous said...

I always thought it amusing how Ryan barely moved his head in order not to disturb his hair-do. Can't say I'll miss this character - only wish he would take his mother with him to uni.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious read, Merseytart. More articles like this, please!

What about one on Nick Tilsley? He's meant to be 29, but looks like he would not see 30 again even with a telescope.

GRITTY SAGAS BY CORRIE BLOG EDITOR GLENDA YOUNG, PUBLISHED BY HEADLINE. CLICK PIC BELOW!

You might also like...

GRITTY SAGAS BY CORRIE BLOG EDITOR GLENDA YOUNG, PUBLISHED BY HEADLINE. CLICK PIC BELOW!