Friday, 22 October 2010

Ave Maria!

It's great to have Maria back, isn't it?  I've missed her, and her lovely shiny hair.  She's such a good advert for the salon, unlike Audrey, who's probably going to stick with that 1986 ultra-do until she's buried, no matter what damage all that Elnett does to the ozone layer.

Sadly, Maria's back to demonstrate her notoriously bad taste in men.  Her instinct for sniffing out a violent psychopath continues to be uncanny, as she rubs up against Chris's admittedly impressive abs with undisguised glee.  A man like that is catnip to Maria; he's good looking, charming, and mentally unstable.  No wonder David took it so hard when she rejected him - he's got all the personality defects, and she still won't throw him a bone.

Perhaps this is all a reaction against her first fiance, Tyrone Nice-but-Dim.  Maria came into the show as the nation's least convincing kennel maid.  If there's one thing to be said about girls who spend their days wiping up poodle faeces, it's that they don't have much time to maintain their lovely shiny hair.  I'm betting there were a couple of scraggy collies who went hungry of an evening so she could go round the back and condition.

After years of being involved with Tyrone, a man whose basic loveliness can't disguise the fact that he's a Flump in human form, Maria finally broke free of his podgy arms to sleep with Toyah Battersby's boyfriend.  In an early example of her innate stupidity (she does share a gene pool with Kirk, after all) Maria failed to work out how to use a condom and/or the morning after pill, and became pregnant.  The heartbreak was too much for Toyah, and she ran off to Holby to become a doctor, leaving Maria to get an abortion.

She took this setback on the chin and shacked up with Nicky Platt (Adam Rickitt version).  Despite them sharing a passion for lovely, shiny hair, he was too dumb even for her, and not even the delights of Canada could distract her from the battles over the VO5.  She returned to Weatherfield to resume work at the salon, ramming curlers into Emily Bishop and loudly bemoaning her love life.

Passion intervened when Maria took up with Charlie Stubbs, a man who was part granite, part Mr Toad's Wild Ride.  He was her landlord, and Maria didn't question the fact that her tenancy agreement included a clause entitling him to the occasional knee trembler up against the water heater.  Again: she's not very bright.  The intervention of demon harpy Tracy Barlow - plus Charlie's attempt to drown David Platt - made Maria think perhaps she'd made a mistake, and she moved onto Liam Connor.

Who can blame her?  He was tall, handsome, available.  The fact that he'd actively concealed the death of an asylum seeking machinist to cover up dodgy working practices at Underworld was probably a plus in her book.  Nothing could stop Maria from ensnaring her man: not his recoil of horror when she forced a puppy on him, not his quivers of repulsion when she dragged him off for weekends away, not even the glaring erection he got every time Carla wandered past.  Even Liam waking from a coma and calling out for his sister in law rather than her didn't put Maria off; she loves it when a man treats her like filth and simply uses her as arm candy.

Once again, her failure to grasp the basic principles of contraception in the 21st century lead to her getting knocked up by Liam, just before he was hit by a car.  Maria was distraught, and spent roughly the next fourteen years wailing and sobbing in scenes which were slightly less interesting than Norris complaining about his corns.  Things got so bad Maria's lovely, shiny hair got a bit dirty round the edges.

With such a horrible situation upon her, she had to find a way out, and the answer came to her in a flash as she squeezed out a baby on Formby Sands; why not shack up with her husband's murderer?  Of course she didn't know he was a killer at the time, even though she'd spent months ranting and raving and writing MURDERER over the shutters at Underworld in Dulux.  When Tony explained that she was mistaken and he'd not killed anyone, she totally believed him, and immediately threw Liam's possessions into the Oxfam Clothes Bank so he'd have room in her wardrobe.

Unsurprisingly, it turned out that Tony really was a nutcase after all, though the truth didn't really hit Maria until he'd more or less sat her down with a projector and a PowerPoint presentation to explain the hows and whys.  Horrified, Maria fled to stay with her in-laws; another sign of her increasing mental instability was the fact that she willingly volunteered to spend time with Helen Connor, Ireland's version of the Medusa.

Ireland's nice enough, but it's a country of only six million people, and they're pretty spread out.  If Maria was ever going to hook up with another loony with nice arms but a very short fuse, she'd have to return to Weatherfield, and she did so just in time to be kidnapped by Tony Gordon.  The experience was so pleasant and untraumatic for her, she moved back permanently shortly afterwards.

Now we have the new, confident Maria; she has baby Liam to look after, so she'll obviously not do anything to harm his precious little head.  Apart from go for a drink with a man who was last seen being possessed by Satan and trying to eject Billie Piper into space in Doctor Who.  He's got nice biceps, though, who cares, eh?  He can spend his weekends clubbing Cheryl into a coma, but so long as he buys Maria a bunch of flowers from Dev's every other month and tells her he's changed, she'll be all over him.  Maria will be happy with any borderline sociopath so long as he keeps her supplied in L'Oreal.  She has lovely, shiny hair to maintain, and long may she continue.

16 comments:

Tvor said...

Brilliant, absolutely, brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Ozone-unfriendly hairspray went out of the window during the '80s - and the shops were also filling up with gel and mousse. So, Audrey's hair is perfectly safe. I hope.

Anonymous said...

Kirk may be the village idiot but at least he can come up sometimes with uncommon insights and wisdom. He's also a kind and generous person whereas Maria really has no redeeming qualities other than her long hair... I say either develop her character to be a bit more interesting or else just get rid of her...

maggie muggins said...

That was hilarious, Merseytart! And spot on! Almost makes having a character as awful as Maria to have read that summary.

Anna Hughes said...

Maria is awful!!!!!!!

The Garden Pixie said...

Sorry but I dont think its great to have Maria back at all. I find her a totally pointless vacuous character with her looks the only thing going for her. Has she had her teeth done, she looked different somehow?. Where is she supposedly living by the way since she sold her house to Dev? Someone that would not be missed. Tram ride anyone???

Glenda Young said...

Wonderful post, you do come out with some gems!

Tvor said...

Pixie, Maria and the baby and Ozzy are living over the salon with Kirk. Must be a bit of a squash

Anonymous said...

Great post! I'm happy to see Maria back. I know not everyone likes her, but I just find her a lot more likeable than the other young female characters we are supposed to like - Becky, Carla, Michelle and Tina etc to name a few. Corrie always has strong female charcters, and I'm starting to think that Maria is one in an understated way. She's not clever or gobby, in fact she's quite weak-willed sometimes. But she keeps plodding on with her pram and a smile, despite all the tragedy she's been through, and still hopes that she will fall in love with the right man.

Danny-K said...

Hee hee, yeah enjoyable post, that was a good laugh!

I don't dislike Maria, nor like her - I'm indifferent to her so can only agree with the comment:

"I find her a totally pointless vacuous character"

- And therefore can only ask: Just what is the point of the Maria character? I'm guessing she's only been brought back on the street to get trammelled in December. (Not that I want to see her get trammelled).

- And Lloyd warning Maria in the Rover's about Chris the wife beating muscle-man.

I thought: Lloyd, whatever you do, don't smirk or look-on triumphantly when Chris the street's next psycho-in-waiting turns around or you'll be real sorrreeeee sometime soon.

- So what does he go and do?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bbhilda said...

I don't know who you are Merseytart, but I love your writing style!

Anonymous said...

Fabulous, Merseytart! I, too, am glad Maria's back, and enjoy watching her ridiculous love/life antics over Michelle or Becky any day. Thanks so much for a wonderful post.

John M said...

Personally I can't stand Maria and wondered why she ever came back to a street full of bad memories and loons. Excellent post though, loved the description of Helen Connor as "Ireland's version of the Medusa". How true!

Clare said...

Loved this, absolutely hilarious. Although i cannae say the same about Maria, i hope she and her pretty hair get well and truly trammed!

Anonymous said...

Love your post Merseytart!
I actually quite like Maria, despite the fact that she has tragically bad taste in men (still think that Tony treated her the best... despite, er, killing the father of her child). But she's hardly the first Corrie woman who doesn't know how to pick 'em, is she? (cough Liz cough)..
Rebecca in TO

Anonymous said...

Hope Tony Gordon comes back. In some form.

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