Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Norris had friends in far off places.  Who knew that Gail Potter Tilsley Platt Hillman Platt McIntyre LesDennis and Norris Cole were such close friends?  So close in fact, that Gail was willing to fly back from Thailand to attend his funeral.  I wouldn't have thought she'd have crossed Greater Manchester to say goodbye to the old gossip but there you go, she's clearly got a bigger heart than me.  In fact she was so devoted to attending Norris's farewell she didn't bother talking to any of her children or friends, just whack, off the plane, haircut, off to the church.

Norris's funeral was such a big event even the Wethy Gazette printed a special front page for him.  I suppose with the decline of print media they have to keep all their stockists sweet; expect next week's headline to be Brian Packham Voted Sexiest Man Alive.  As with everything involving the late Mr Cole, it was a mix of scandal and comedy, though to me it never quite flew - it felt a bit lethargic when it should have been whip crack fast comedy.  I suppose this is the downside of filling the screen with octogenarians.  What we did get was fun though, with Norris poisoning the well on the way out the door, revealing that Claudia gave Rita the odd tint.  I found this revelation incredibly shocking, as I'd always assumed Rita simply had a lengthy row of differently hued wigs that she unleashed based on her mood - Golden Sunrise for when she was jolly, Amber Nectar when she was melancholic, and so on.  If she wanted a different colour I thought she ordered a new one from a catalogue.

Audrey was horrified by this revelation, mainly because she was absolutely lathered on tequila.  I can now add "a funeral" to the list of places I'd like to go with Audrey Roberts.  She's a game old bird and I hope she's never tamed.  

It's the circle of LIIIIIIFE.  The last time Zeedan was in the show, he was forced to flee Weatherfield after he whacked a bloke in the Alleyway of Doom.  He's been back five minutes and here he is, getting dragged into the same alley to get a kicking of his own.  There's a kind of poetic justice to that, especially as Zee was never actually punished for his earlier crime (ok, the bloke was a creepy pervert, but still).  The assailants this time were the brothers of Zee's current wife, punishing him for doing the dirty on her.  Yes, for the third time in a year, we have a character making a surprise return to the Street while caught up with a load of dodgy people.  Can't somebody just decide to visit their relatives?  I've not seen my brother since before lockdown; I'm now slightly worried that if he does visit he'll turn up with a load of gangsters in tow who'll try to shoot me.

The joke is dead.  There was a strange moment in Friday's episode when Aggie announced she was making marmalade chicken wings and nobody recoiled in horror.  Yes, it looks like they've finally laid to rest that astonishingly stupid running gag about her being a bad cook.  Marmalade chicken wings is an actual real thing, and it sounds pretty tasty, unlike her melon and couscous omelettes or whatever she made in her earliest appearances.  It was a pleasing distraction from the whole Grace storyline, which keeps getting new twists and never ever intrigues.  This week, we got Michael agreeing to pay half her non-existent rent, to which I say, yeah, she's the mother of your child, too right you should be helping with the bills.  To be honest it's hard to empathise with Aggie and Ed's suffering too much - oh, you're not getting the market rental rate for your second house?  Pass me a tissue.

One thing I do like is that Grace has given up any pretence of being vaguely likeable and has transformed into a gorgon.  All she does now is waggle her eyebrows and threaten to snatch the baby away and it's quite amusing.  I hope she gets more and more insane, and Aggie home from hospital one day to find Grace dangling Glory off the viaduct, threatening to drop her to her death unless Grace gets a hot tub.

Replacements only, no refunds.  Is it too late to return this Max to the Child Actor Shop and get the old one back?  Because while Max 1.0 had his flaws, he wasn't pure unadulterated spite.  They've not come up with an explanation for why Max is now satanic.  I suppose having both your parents murdered and having ADHD and also being trafficked as an infant will take its toll eventually.  Or perhaps it was the strain of being hidden away in a cupboard throughout the pandemic and not being allowed out.  Whatever it is, this child has clearly inherited the demon spawn mantle from Hope as he taunted Daniel for hanging out with Summer, implying he wants to get into her no doubt eminently sensible pants.  This resulted in possibly the mildest tussle ever seen on the cobbles as Daniel sort of grabbed at Max's jacket; next to this, Eileen vs Gail was a Royal Rumble.

The most baffling part of this is David's willing acceptance of everything Max said.  Here are some of the things David did when he was fifteen: got drunk in school, tried to break up his mum's romance with a reflexologist, sent her cards from her dead murdering husband, and blackmailed Charlie Stubbs.  In other words, he has ample proof that teenage boys are the actual worst, and he really should treat Max's statements with a little bit of distance.  When Shona - whose son is an actual murderer - is able to gain the parenting high ground, you're not doing well.  (Wow, there really have been a lot of murder-related plotlines bouncing around number 8).  Maybe now Gail's back she can take him to one side and remind him of what a little brat he was and he can gain some perspective.

Choose your battles wisely.  There is an argument that, unless your protest causes genuine inconvenience, it fails to attract attention.  So any number of organised marches against climate change don't attract half as much coverage as someone supergluing themselves to the top of a tube train.  I can see the logic there, which is why you can see Freda taking Aled into the community centre as direct action.  On the other hand, she kidnapped a two year old child and held him hostage, meaning he missed a medical appointment.  You might feel very strongly about Aled's place in the deaf community, Freda, but you kind of cross a line when there's a desperate mother on the verge of tears outside begging for her son's release.  The moral high ground has been lost.  It all seemed like an overreaction anyway - Freda has been pals with Gemma for a couple of months now; they trust and respect one another.  Wouldn't you listen to the woman who has actually put the effort in and learned sign language over a crystal-toting loudmouth (Bernie) and an idiot (Chesney)?  Wouldn't you at least explain to your friend how hurt you were to see Bernie and Chesney dismiss your experience?  Oh no, go straight for the hostage situation, that's normal.

And on top of that, it all took place in the Community Centre, which was last seen being handed over to the bank by Yasmeen to pay off Geoff's debts.  It wasn't a going concern, because George almost put his funeral parlour in there, but here we are with it apparently being a Community Centre again.  I'm not saying we need a new storyline for every development on the Street, but that replacement for the Costa got a whole press release and a fancy hoarding outside that was ostentatiously placed behind Aggie during a key moment.  Slip in a line - "ooh, Miss Battersby, the community centre has been reopened by the council, what a palaver" - just something to make us loyal viewers feel rewarded.  Otherwise, why bother?

This week's Five Things is late because I found the show so uninspiring I couldn't really think of enough things to say about it.  It wasn't bad, it wasn't good, it just existed.  Send any complaints about its tardiness to me @merseytart where they will be comprehensively ignored.

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